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57

Concerning a Young Woman Who Was Separated From Her Husband

A handsome young man of Verona married a young girl and, being extremely fond of her, exercised his conjugal rights to excess, so that he grew pallid and sickly.

His mother, being deeply concerned for him and fearing that he would be taken with a grave illness, took him away with her to the country, far from his young wife. One day, as the latter was thinking longingly of her husband, she saw two sparrows breeding together. “Run quickly,” she cried to them, “before your mother-in-law sees you and separates you from each other.”



58

Concerning a Young Man Who Did Not Know How to Proceed on His Nuptial Night

A simple young man of Bologna took an exceedingly pretty maiden of the same city in wedlock. On his nuptial night, however, he failed to accomplish his conjugal duty, being utterly ignorant in the ways of love. On the following morning, being asked by a friend what success he had had the night before, he replied: ‘Very poor, indeed, for after numerous attempts to lie with my wife, I discovered that she did not possess — well, the opening that one expects to find in a woman!”

Hearing this, his friend charged the poor husband to strict secrecy to avoid a scandal, and undertook to correct the deficiency himself. He insisted, moreover, that it was a strenuous task and would require eight days to accomplish. The simple bridegroom 59agreed and brought the helpful friend that night home to his wife. While he himself slept alone in another bed, his genial companion began his charitable labors, and after the eighth night was passed, the latter announced that the way was now clear for the husband, “I sweated like a bear,” he said, “but at last the opening which you sought is definitely completed.”

Thereupon the stupid bridegroom congratulated his wife, and hearing her praise the skilful work of his friend, he was deeply touched by the latter’s efforts in his behalf and had a generous meal prepared for him to repay him for his labors.



60

Of a Mountaineer Who Hesitated to Marry a Young Girl

A mountaineer from Pergola was desirous of marrying his neighbor’s young daughter. But when he saw her closely, he decided that she was too young and delicate for marriage, and sought to withdraw his offer. Upon which her dull-witted father declared:

“You need have no fear, sir. She is much more mature than you think. In fact, she has already had three children by the under-priest.



61

A Hermit Seeks to Conquer His Lust

A hermit, who lived in Pisa at the time of Pietro Gambacortas, brought a prostitute one night into his cell, and continued to bestride her to the twentieth time. And each time as he renewed the attack, in order to evade the sin of lust, he cried: “May thou be punished, thou pitiful flesh!”

The woman related the incident to others, and eventually the hermit was driven from the town.



62

Concerning a Woman Who Stood on the Banks of the Po

On a little vessel that sailed to Ferrara, there traveled, together with some members of the local Curia, two of those women who perform a certain service for men.

Whereupon another woman, standing on the banks of the Po, as these two hove into sight, cried out to the men:

“You fools! Do you then believe that there is a dearth of harlots in Ferrara? You will find more strumpets there than decent women in Venice!”



63

Two Friends Argue a Difficult Question

Two friends, during a pleasurable walk, engaged in a friendly dispute over the question: which offered the greater joy — sex intercourse or the act of easing the bowels?

As they walked they came upon a well-known courtesan, who had never scorned the invitation of any man.

“Let us ask her opinion,” said the first friend, “she is well acquainted with both functions.”

But the other objected. “She is not the one to decide such a question impartially,” he declared, “for she has lain with men much more frequently than she has been to the privy.”



64

A Widow Makes a Telling Retort to the Criticism of Her Second Husband

A man of mature years took a widow to wife and, as he enjoyed the marital rights on the first night, he found that the approach to his wife was wider than he had expected.

“Beloved wife,” he said, “your stall is too large for my cattle.”

Upon which the widow answered. “It is your own fault; for my first husband (God rest his soul!) filled it so completely that for lack of room, his rams were compelled to remain outside.”



65

Concerning the Wife of a Herdsman, Who Had a Child by a Priest

The wife of a herdsman in Rivo, a small mountain village, had an affair with the local priest and became through him the mother of a boy, whom she raised in her own house. When the lad was seven years old, the priest spoke gently with the herdsman and finally, confessing that it was his child, pleaded that he be permitted to take the boy home with him.

The simple shepherd, however, would hear none of it. “The child that is born in my house,” he said, “I will keep for myself. It would be poor business for me and the other herdsman, if we turned over all the lambs, whose mothers were fecundated by a strange ram, to the owner of the ram.”



66

Two Courtesans Quarrel Over a Piece of Linen

Two women of Rome, one prettier and younger than the other, once came to the house of a member of our curia, to serve his pleasure in the hope of gain. The gentleman made use of the younger woman twice, while upon the other he attended only once, and that solely that she might not feel utterly scorned. When they left, he gave them in payment of piece of precious linen.

When it came to the sharing of the linen, however, a quarrel arose between the women, the one demanding two-thirds because of her greater efforts; the other insisting on half on the ground of an equal partnership. Words soon led to blows, and before long both the neighbors and the husbands of the two women were on the scene. The latter, being unable to learn the true cause of the dispute, naturally took sides with their wives and fell to blows with each other, until passers-by interfered and separated the embittered disputants.



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Woodcut of two women fighting with an audience looking on

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69

The husbands returned to their homes with hatred for each other in their hearts, still knowing nothing of the cause of the quarrel.

But the piece of linen remained in the hands of a third person, undivided, while the women are still secretly negotiating as to its proper sharing. How would the wise have given judgment here?



70

A Curious Byplay Between a Priest and a Layman

A priest once lay at noon of day with the wife of a peasant, who, hoping to catch them in the act, had concealed himself beneath the couch upon which they reclined.

The priest, utterly unaware that the peasant was hidden beneath him, exclaimed suddenly in a burst of ecstasy: “Oh! I feel as if I saw the whole world stretched out before my eyes!”

At this, the peasant who had the day before lost a donkey, forgetting his disgrace completely, cried out to the priest: “Please, I beg of you, look about you further! Is there not somewhere a donkey to be seen?”



71

A Man Whose Wife Had a Twelvemonths Child Receives a Curious Explanation Thereto

A citizen of Florence who was gone from his home for a year, found on his return that his wife was about to give birth to a child. The matter perturbed him not a little, because he feared that his wife had been unfaithful in his absence.

Being in doubt about the matter, however, he went to a prominent matron of high repute, who lived nearby, and asked her whether it was possible for his wife to have a twelvemonths baby.

The matron, realizing instantly the stupidity of the man, answered: “Certainly, for if your wife on the day of her conception chanced to see an ass, then in accordance with the habit of these animals she would have to carry her children for twelve months.”

72

Hearing this, the troubled husband was reassured and thanked God that he had been freed of his doubts and preserved from a gross scandal. And when the child was born he recognized it instantly as his own.



73

Of a Friar Who Got an Abbess with Child

An abbess of a convent in Rome had the love of a friar of the minor orders, who sought persistently to possess her, but she would not consent for fear of begetting a child and the consequent scandal. So the friar gave her a breve, which was hung about the shoulders by a silken cord, and which, he assured her, would guard her against having children. Thus the abbess consented to his wishes, believing what he said.

After three months, when it became clear that the abbess was pregnant, the friar disappeared. Thereupon, the unfortunate woman, realizing that she had been betrayed, opened the breve and saw it contained, in Latin, the following words: “Let no man possess you and you will not have a child.” And this is truly the best remedy against conceiving.



74

Of a Monk Who Took Advantage of a Woman’s Kindness

An itinerant monk once cast his eyes upon a beautiful young woman and conceived for her a violent passion. Being ashamed, however, to make her any indecent proposal, he bethought himself of a trick by which he hoped to win her.

On the following day and for many days thereafter, he appeared with his forefinger heavily bandaged and gave signs of being in great pain. When the woman inquired whether he had attempted any remedy for his hurt, he answered: “I have tried everything in vain; there is only one cure, which a doctor confided in me, but it is of such a nature that I cannot mention it without blushing.”

But the woman urged him not to be over modest where a cure for so grave an evil was concerned. Whereupon he shamefully 75informed her that the finger must be amputated unless it be warmed by the loins of a woman, to remove the inflammation. Since he could not decently propose such a thing, he would have to forego the cure, he added sorrowfully.

Feeling a great pity for his plight, the young woman offered to help him. And being readily persuaded that so delicate an operation could not be performed in public, she retired with him to a dark place. Here the monk took advantage of the darkness to deceive his kind rescuer, without her being any the wiser. And when he was through, he announced that his finger was completely cured.



76

Of a Woman Who Besought a Priest for an Aid to Childbirth

Zuccaro, the most lovable man you can imagine, tells a story of a neighbor’s wife, an attractive woman, who, being without child, often besought the priest who acted as her confessor for some means to overcome her sterility. Finally the priest agreed to help her and instructed her to come to him on a certain day.

At the appointed time, the woman came to the house of her confessor, who received her and said: “I shall make use of a magic formula which produces certain illusions that have no real existence. These you must bear courageously, in order to insure success. It will appear to you, for instance, that I kiss you and do intimate things that only a husband may properly undertake, But they will be manifestations without real foundation, 77made apparent to you only through the power of the magic words I utter.”

Placing herself in his trust, the anxious woman submitted to the spell. Whereupon the priest, making curious passes with his hands and whispering secret words in her ear, kissed her and bore her to a couch. And when the woman tremblingly asked what he was doing, he replied: ‘Did I not say before that some things will appear to you to be taking place which are in reality not happening at all?”

Upon this, the credulous woman was silent and submitted to his caresses. and when he was through, she returned home quietly, convinced that she had been magically wooed by a spirit.



78

Of a Hermit Who Confessed to Having Many Women

In the time of Francesco VII, Duke of Padua, there lived in Padua a hermit by the name of Ansimirio. Under the guise of a confessor, this hermit, who passed for a very holy man, had known how to possess many women, some of them of the nobility.

When, however, his misdeeds became known, he was taken in custody and, after making a complete confession, was brought before the duke. Francesco sent for his secretary and, thinking to find amusement in the affair, asked the prisoner for details of his misconduct and the names of the women he had seduced. And as the hermit recalled each name, the secretary wrote them down, among them being many who belonged to the inner circle of the court.

When Ansimirio had finished his list, the 79 duke asked if there were not still others to be added. And the secretary added threats of punishment if he did not divulge the full list.

Whereupon the hermit, with a deep sigh, said: “Write then the name of of your own wife, and add her to the rest.”

At this, the secretary, stunned by grief, let fall his pen. But the duke laughed, saying: “It is right that one who recorded the shame of others with such delight should find himself included in their company.”



80

A Jest Concerning a Lean Man

One of my townsmen, with whom I am very friendly, is extraordinarily slender and lean of figure.

Once, when someone commented upon his slenderness, a wit standing by answered: “There is nothing to wonder at in this . . . He spends half an hour at the dinner table, but no less than two hours in the privy thereafter.”

It seems therefore that my friend must remain lean, since he spends so much more time in the lightening of his body.



81

Of a Florentine Nobleman Who Concealed Himself in His Wife’s Chamber

A Florentine nobleman, who suffered with the gout, had a wife who had cast desirous eyes upon the steward of the house. Becoming aware of the affair, the husband pretended one day to leave the house, but instead concealed himself in his wife’s chamber. The latter, believing her husband to be gone, immediately summoned the steward secretly to her room.

“Let us play some kind of game,” she proposed gaily. “First we will play at war and then we will make peace.” And when the other asked what she meant by this, she explained: “We will struggle with each other for a little while, till finally you will hurl me to the ground and spear me with your lance. And then we will make peace.

The steward, who had always heard peace 82highly praised among all people, was glad to have so pleasant an opportunity to make peace himself.

As they played their game, however, and they prepared for the pleasurable ending, the nobleman stepped forth from his hiding place and said:

“Many is the time in my life that I have made peace, but this one I shall have to forbid!”

And so the guilty pair had to separate, without having brought their little war to a peaceful close.



83

Amusing Tale of a Man Who Sent Letters to His Wife and His Creditor

Francesco di Ortano, a Neapolitan noble, who was appointed governor over Perugia by King Stanislaus, received on the same day a letter from his wife and another from a merchant to whom he owed a sum of money. The message from his wife reminded him of his conjugal duties and urged his return at the earliest moment. While the merchant requested the payment of his debt.

To the merchant he replied, as was proper, that he would pay him soon and asked for a small delay. While to his wife he promised an early return and ample satisfaction of her desires, adding, moreover, intimate endearments, and hinting that he had in mind some pleasant diversions for her benefit.

In sealing the letters, however, he sent his wife’s letter to the merchant, and the one meant for the merchant to his wife.

84

When the wife received his note, she marveled that he made no answer to her warm thoughts. And the merchant, on his part, was enraged to find his request for money answered by lewd jests and such hints as may be properly only expressed to a woman.

Thinking that the nobleman meant to mock him for the money he had lent, he took the letter to the king and lamented that in place of his money he was offered the satisfaction of bedroom pranks and horseplay. “Truly, when I gave this man money, I was already bestrode,” he moaned.

Whereat those who heard the story laughed heartily, and the more so when they learned how the letters had been interchanged.



85

Of a Man Who Lay with Sick Wife, Whereupon She Was Healed

The story is told of a young girl of Valencia, that shortly upon her marriage to a young notary, she was taken with a grave illness, so that every one believed she would die. For soon, having lost her speech entirely, she lay motionless like a corpse; and the learned doctors gave her up for lost.

The notary, who loved his bride deeply, was in despair over losing her so soon, before he had an opportunity to fully enjoy her charms. In this frame of mind, he decided to possess her one last time more, before her spirit passed entirely away.

Thus resolved, he sent all those present from the room, and bestrode his unconscious wife in marital embrace. Immediately she began to breathe again, as if her body had been miraculously infused with new power. And 86soon she opened her eyes and began softly to call her husband’s name. The latter, beside himself with joy, brought her food and drink, after which she quickly regained her health.

This fortunate outcome must be credited to the exercise of the marital right; and from it we may deduce that its use in the treatment of women’s ailments is highly efficacious.



87

Everardo, Apostolic Secretary, Plays a Prank Upon a Cardinal

The story is told of the Cardinal de Conti, a stout and beloved man, who went hunting one day, and being overcome by hunger, withdrew from the chase in order to dine. Perspiring heavily from his exertions, as he sat down to eat, he commanded that someone stir the air for him with a fan.

It chanced, however, that the servants were all engaged in their various duties. Seeing that none of these were present, the cardinal instructed a certain Everardo, an apostolic secretary, to make wind for him.

“I don’t know how you would like it done,” responded the latter, being somewhat of a wit. “Oh, do it best as you know how,” cried the cardinal. “Very well then,” cried Everardo, and lifting his right leg, he let loose a tremendous f . . . , with the remark 88 that this was his customary method of making wind. Whereupon, those who were present broke into resounding laughter.



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Woodcut of a seated group of men looking on at a man who has bared his behind and is obviously passing wind

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91

Concerning a Young Florentine Who Was Surprised with His Stepmother

It happened in Florence that a young man was once surprised by his father in the bedchamber of his stepmother. Beside himself with rage over the shameful act of his son, he assailed the lad and made a great alarm. The boy lamely sought his father’s forgiveness, but could not stem the tide of the other’s loud anger, until a neighbor, disturbed by the alarm but knowing nothing of its cause, hurried anxiously to compose the strife.

As the neighbor sought for an explanation, the two remained silent, fearing to bring down scandal upon the house. But when he insisted on knowing the cause of their strange conduct, the father blurted out the truth, charging the son with the whole blame.

Hearing this, the boy spoke up as follows: “My father is very unfair in the matter. He 92possessed my mother a thousand times without my raising a single protest. Whereas, now that I have but once taken his wife in my youthful innocence, he raises a tremendous hubbub, as though he were mad.”

Whereat the neighbor laughed boisterously to hear the boy’s clever defense, and took his leave, after consoling the father to the best of his ability.






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