~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From The Treasury of Wit. With Comic Engravings. London: Printed for T. Allman, 1836; pp. 100-150.
THE
TREASURY OF WIT.
WITH COMIC ENGRAVINGS.
.
Henry the Eighth appointed Sir T. More to carry an angry message to Francis the First, of France. Sir Thomas told him, he feared if he carried such a message to so violent a king as Francis, it might cost him his head. “Never fear,” said the king. “If Francis should cut off your head, I would make every Frenchman now in London a head shorter.” “I am obliged to your majesty,” said Sir Thomas, “but I much fear if any of their heads will fit my shoulders.”
An ignorant country fellow one day asked the minister of the parish, “what was meant by the expression, He was clothed with curses?” “My good friend,” said the minister, “an habit of swearing, to be sure.”
Judge Toler, afterwards Lord Norbury, whose severity was at one time proverbial, was at a public dinner with Curran, the celebrated Irish lawyer. Toler, observing Curran carving a piece of corned beef, told him, “If it was hung 101 beef, he would try it.” “If you try it, my lord,” replied Curran, “I am sure it will be hung.”
Marprelate says, that Aylmer, Bishop of London, used to bowl in his garden at Fulham, and that he would cry, rub, rub, rub, to his bowl; and when it was gone too far, would say, “The devil go with it,” and then, quoth he, the bishop would follow.
A young lady going into a barrack-room at Fort George, saw an officer toasting a slice of bread on the point of his sword. On which she exclaimed, “I think, Sir, you have got the staff of life at the point of death.”
Some years ago, an Irish gentleman bought a horse, with a very curious pedigree, of a great dealer in Yorkshire. In going over to Ireland, unfortunately the pedigree was lost; upon which the gentleman wrote to the dealer for another copy. The dealer’s reply was, if he would pledge his honour that it was really lost, he would send either a copy of that, or another as good.
James the Second, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton the poet, and asked him if he did not think the loss of sight was a judgment upon him for what he had written against his father, Charles the First. The poet answered, 102 if his highness thought his loss of sight a judgment upon him, he wished to know what he thought of his father’s losing his head.
A poor French felon, at Nottingham assizes, being ordered for execution during the procession, earnestly entreated for mercy, without getting any one to listen to his doleful solicitations; at last, having ascended higher perhaps than ever he would hereafter, and just as Mr. Ketch was about to noose him, poor Monsieur, struck with the horror of death before his eyes, exclaimed with redoubled energy, in a most piteous manner, “Ah, Misericorde! Misericorde!” when his friend Jack, better acquainted with Newgate slang than Monsieur’s lingo, d—n’d him for a fool, telling him there was no occasion to measure the cord, for it was long enough to hang a dozen such soup-meagre scoundrels as him.
Ariosto built for himself a small house which when a friend saw, he expressed an astonishment that he, who had described such magnificent edifices in his poem, should be content with so poor a house. Ariosto aptly replied, “Words are much easier put together than bricks.”
Doctor N———, having printed two heavy volumes, containing the Natural History of Worcestershire, Dr. Barton remarked to him, 103 that his publication was, in several particulars, extremely erroneous; and when N——— defended his volumes, replied, “Pray Dr. N———, are you not a justice of the peace?” “I am, Sir,” was the reply. “Why then, Sir” added Barton, “I advise you to send your work to the same place you send your vagrants, that is, to the house of correction.”
A French nobleman, who had been satirized by Voltaire, meeting the poet soon after, gave him a hearty drubbing. The poet immediately flew to the Duke of Orleans, told him how he had been used, and begged he would do him justice. “Sir,” replied the duke, with a significant smile, “it has been done you already.”
When the great Earl of Stair was ambassador in Holland, he made frequent entertainments, to which the foreign ministers were constantly invited, not excepting even France, though hostilities were then commencing between the two countries. In return, the French resident as constantly invited the English and Austrian ambassadors upon the like occasions. The French minister was a man of considerable wit and vivacity. One day he proposed a health in these terms: “The rising sun, my master;” alluding to the motto of Louis XIV., which was pledged by the whole company. It then came to the Baron de Riesbach’s turn to give a health, and he, in the same humour, gave, “The moon and fixed stars,” in compliment to the empress queen. 104 When it came to the English ambassador’s turn, the eyes of the company were turned upon him; but he, no way daunted, drank his master by the name of “Joshua, the son of Nun, who made the sun and moon to stand still.”
Sir Robert Walpole, who laid under some obligations to a man of some weight in a western borough, had repeatedly promised him a place, and as constantly pleaded prior engagement. After many disappointments, the man began to despair; when a land surveyor at Bristol, being killed by the fall of a sugar hogshead, he waited again on Sir Robert, who told him the place had been promised a twelvemonth: “But, my dear friend,” added he, “the very next that becomes vacant you shall certainly have.” “Why then,” says he, “Sir Robert, I am the luckiest fellow alive, for, by G—d, the same hogshead knocked down a brother officer, so there are now two vacancies.”
Themistocles had a daughter. Two men making love to her, he preferred the virtuous man before the rich one, saying, he would rather have a man without riches, than riches without a man.
A lady of high ton complimenting the late King of Prussia so extravagantly, that his Prussian majesty was rather distressed at it, 105 saying, that he was covered with glory, was the paragon of Europe, and, in short, the greatest monarch and man on earth. “Madam,” replied the king, “you are as handsome as an angel, witty, elegant, and agreeable; in short, you possess all the amiable qualities: but you paint.
Young, the author of “Night Thoughts,” paid a visit to Potter, son of Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, through which Young had scrambled with some difficulty and danger. “Whose field was that I crossed?” asked Young, on reaching his friend. “Mine,” said Potter. “True,” replied the poet, “Potter’s field to bury strangers in.”
Mr. Man, of Deptford, met a poor gentlemen somewhat deranged in his intellects, but generally inoffensive. The madman stopped him, and asked him, who he was? Mr. Man replied, “I am a double man; Man by name, and man by nature.” “You are, are you?” says the insane; I am also a man beside myself, so we two will fight you two.” He immediately pushed him into a muddy ditch, and walked leisurely away.
When Queen Elizabeth first proposed to the famous civilian Dr. Dale, his being employed by her in Flanders, she, among other encouragements, told him, that he should have 106 twenty shillings a day for his expenses: “Then, Madam,” said he, “I will spend nineteen shillings a day.” “What will you do with the odd shilling?” the queen replied. “I will reserve that for my Kate, and for Tom and Dick;” meaning his wife and children. This induced the queen to enlarge his allowance. During the doctor’s stay in Flanders, he once sent, in a packet to the secretaries of state, two letters, one to the queen and the other to his wife; but that which was meant for the queen was superscribed to his dear wife; and that to his wife, to her most excellent majesty: so that the queen, having opened his letter, found it beginning with “sweetheart,” and afterwards with “my dear,” and “dear love,” with such like expressions, acquainting her with the state of his body, and that he began to want money. You may easily guess what motions of mirth this mistake raised; but the doctor, by his oversight, got a supply of money. When, on the overtures for a treaty, the other ambassadors came to propose in what language they should treat, the Spanish ambassador said, that the French was the most proper, “because,” said he to Dr. Dale, “your mistress entitles herself Queen of France.” “Nay, then,” said the doctor, let us treat in Hebrew, for your master calls himself King of Jerusalem.”
When the late reverend Mr. Wright had a small living in the west of England, he refused to read the Athanasian Creed, though repeatedly desired to do so by his parishioners. They complained to the bishop, who ordered it to be read. Now this creed is appointed to be 107 said or sung, and Mr. Wright accordingly, on the following Sunday, thus addressed his congregation: “Next follows Athanasius’s creed, either to be said or sung, and with heaven’s leave, I’ll sing it. — Now, clerk, mind what you are about.” When they both struck up, and sung it with great glee to a fox-hunting tune, which, having previously practised, was well performed. The parishioners again met, and informed the bishop of what they called the indecorum; but the bishop said that their pastor was right, for it was so ordered; upon which they declared that they would dispense with the creed in future; nor did Mr. Wright ever after either read or sing it.
A dean of Canterbury, remarkable for holding a great number of church preferments, travelling slowly in his chariot to that city, was overtaken by a poor parson, who had somehow procured the loan of a good horse; the parson, en passant, bowed most respectfully to the dean, who, desiring him to stop, begged he would call at the Mermaid at Rochester, and order him a dinner, to be ready at a certain hour. The parson accordingly called on the host, and told him that he would be honoured with a visit at such a time, and must provide a good dinner. “For how many, and please your honour?” says Boniface. “Why,” replies the parson, “I can’t well say how many persons the whole company will consist of, for I only saw the dean of Canterbury, the canon of Winchester, the provost of Litchfield, the rector of Orpington, the vicar of Romney, and one of the king’s chaplains.” The parson then proceeded 108 to his own home, which was within a few miles; and the landlord began to make ample provision for the numerous guests he expected to entertain; accordingly, when the dean arrived, a large table was set and the cloth laid. “How is this?” cries his reverence; “you have shewn me the wrong room; this, surely, is intended for a large company.” “And please your honour,” replied the landlord, “parson Single-Church called about an hour and a half ago, and told me I must provide for your honour, and the canon of Winchester, and the provost of Litchfield, and the the vicar of Romney, and rector of Orpington, and one of the king’s chaplains, too, and I don’t know how many more; and so I thought, and please your honour, I would get enough.” “Oh, very well,” coolly answered the dean, who now recollected himself, “I ought to have asked Mr. Single-Church to have staid and dined with me.”
Dean Swift, whose character is well known, having dined one day at a Lord Mayor’s feast in Dublin, was teased by an opulent, boisterous, half-intoxicated squire, who happened to sit next to him: he bore the awkward raillery for some time, and on a sudden called out, in a loud voice, to the mayor, “My lord, here is one of your bears at my shoulder; I desire you will order him to be taken off.”
Sir Francis —— used to plague Lord N —— with many impertinent visits, till at last Lord N —— ordered his porter to deny him admittance. 109 Sir Francis came as usual. “My lord is not at home, Sir.” “Ah! friend — Oh, though! give me leave to speak two words to — the monkey.” — Away he flew up stairs, and took Lord N —— unawares. The porter was scolded. In a few days Sir Francis called again. “Is my lord at home?” “No, Sir.” “Pray what says your clock? My watch stands; I must set it right.” In he went, and made a second attack on his lordship. The porter was then told, if ever he let Sir Francis in again, he should be turned away. When the baronet knocked, he half opened the door, keeping it in his hand, and, without giving him time to speak, bawled out, “My lord is gone out, the monkey is dead, the clock is broke,” and slapped the door full in his face.
A gentle sprinkle of rain happening, a plough-boy left his work and went home; but his master seeing him there, told him that he should not have left his work for so trifling an affair, and begged for the future he would stay till it rained downright. A day or two afterwards proving a very rainy day, the boy staid till dusk, and being almost drowned, his master asked him why he did not come before. “Why I should,” says the boy, “but you said I should not come home before it rained downright; and it has not rained downright yet, for it was aslant all day long.”
A lady desired her butler to be saving of an excellent tun of small beer, and asked him how 110 it might be preserved. “I know of no method so effectual, my lady,” says the butler, “as placing a barrel of good ale by it.”
Two reverend gentlemen, who were conversing together, one complained to the other that he found it a great hardship to preach twice a week. “Well,” says the other, “I preach twice on a Sunday, and make nothing of it.”
On the death of a Bishop L —— , Dr. King, Bishop of Dublin, who expected to be made primate, was set aside as being too old to be removed. The reason given was as mortifying as the refusal itself; when the new primate, Dr. B —— , called upon him, he received him sitting, saying with a smile, “My lord, I am certain your grace will forgive me, as you know I am too old to rise.”
During the government of Berkley and Galway, who were jointly lords justices of Ireland, two livings, Larcor and Rathbeggan, were bestowed upon Mr. Swift; and as soon as he had taken possession of them, he went to reside at Larcor, and gave public notice to his parishioners, that he would read prayers every Wednesday and Friday. Upon the subsequent Wednesday the bell was rung, and the rector attended in his desk, when, after having sat some time, and finding the congregation to 111 consist only of himself and his clerk Roger, he began with great composure and gravity, but with a turn peculiar to himself, “Dearly beloved Roger, the scripture moveth you and me in sundry places.” And then proceeded regularly through the whole service.
When a celebrated comedian was going to dine a few miles from Dublin, the horse of the jingle in which he rode sprang and rose on its hinder legs most furiously, on which he called the driver to stop and let him out. “Oh! your honour,” exclaimed the fellow, “by my shoul, it’s only the mare’s a little bashful; It’s the first time she ever was in harness.”
Amongst the many singular anecdotes which Lord Mansfield has been accustomed to relate of himself, he used to speak of the following with the most unaffected good humour: a St. Giles’s bird appeared as an evidence before him in some trial concerning a quarrel in the street, and so confounded his lordship with slang, that he was obliged to dismiss him without getting any thing from him. He was desired to give an account of all he knew. “My lord,” says he, “as I was coming by the corner of a street, I stagged the man.” “Pray, said Lord Mansfield, “what is stagging a man?” “Stagging, my lord, why, you see, I was down upon him.” “Well, but I don’t understand down upon him any more than stagging; do speak to be understood.” “Why, an’t please your lordship, I speak as well as I can; I was up, you see, to 112 all he knew.” “To all he knew; I am as much in the dark as ever.” “Well, then, my lord, I’ll tell you how it was.” “Do so.” “Why, my lord, seeing as how he was a rum kid, I was one upon his tibby.” The fellow was at length sent out of court, and was heard in the hall to say to one of his companions, that he had gloriously queered old Full Bottom.
When Baron Nieuman was once playing at cards in a large company, he was guilty of an odd trick; on which the company, in the warmth of their resentment, threw him out of the window of a one pair of stairs room, where they had been playing. The baron, meeting Foote some time after, was loudly complaining of this usage, and asked what he should do? “Do!” says the wit, “why never play so high again.”
A humorous fellow being subpœnaed as a witness on a trial for an assault, one of the counsel who had been notorious for brow-beating witnesses, asked him what distance he was from the parties when the assault happened; he answered, “Just four feet five inches and a half.” “How come you to be so very exact, fellow?” said the counsel. “Because I expected some fool or other would ask me,” said he, “and so I measured it.”
A gentleman having a pad that started and broke his wife’s neck, a neighbouring squire told 113 him he wished to purchase it for his wife to ride upon. “No,” says the other, “I will not sell the little fellow, for I intend to marry again.”
A physician having been out a shooting one whole morning without killing any thing, his servant begged leave to go over into the next field, for he was sure there were some birds there: “And,” says the man, “if there are, I ’ll doctor them.” “Doctor them,” says the master: “What do you mean by that?” — “Why, kill them, Sir.”
Mr. Pope, sneering at the ignorance of a young man, asked him if he knew what an interrogation was? “Yes, Sir,” said he, “ ’tis a little crooked thing that asks questions.”
Sterne says, the most accomplished way of using books is to serve them as some do lords, learn their titles and then brag of their acquaintance.
The witty and convivial Lord Kelly, being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his mother advised him to take example of a gentleman, whose constant food was herbs, and his drink water. “What, madam,” said he, “would you have me imitate a man who eats like a beast and drinks like a fish?”
114A barber having a dispute with a parish clerk, on a point of grammar, the latter said it was a downright barbarism. “What,” replied the other, “do you mean to insult me? Barberism! I’d have you to know a barber speaks as good English any day as a parish clerk.”
Lord Chesterfield paying a visit to Lord P —— , a favourite little dog bit him in the leg. “Fear not,” says my Lord P —— , “my little dog never bites.” Lord C —— , who had already knocked down the little creature with his cane, replied in the same strain, “Fear not, my lord, I never strike dogs.”
On four windows in succession the ground floor, in a corner house in one of the squares, being stopped up to avoid the window tax, in 1784, some one chalked on the bricks, which denoted where the windows had been, “Pitt’s Works, vol. i., vol. ii., vol. iii., vol. iv.”
There is a treatise on the connexion between the animal spirits, and the breeches pocket, but I have not seen it. A blind fiddler playing to a company, they laughed at him. His boy that led him perceiving it, cried, “Father, let us begone, they do nothing but laugh at you.” 115 “Hold thy peace, boy,” said the fiddler, “we shall have their money presently, and then we will laugh at them.”
A clergyman of Norfolk, having a quarrel with a neighbouring clergyman, who insulted him, and at last told him, “Doctor, your gown is your protection,” replied, “Though it may be mine, it shall not be yours,” and immediately pulled it off, and thrashed the aggressor.”
A Cantab at an inn, some distance from Cambridge, not having money to pay the reckoning, bethought himself of this expedient: to condemn the wine, which he said was execrably bad, and that his taste was delicate, as his father was a wine merchant; but, if the landlord would permit him to look at the cask, he had a composition with him which would make it better. Accordingly, they repaired to the cellar, when the student bored a hole in the cask, and told the innkeeper to place his finger on it while he stept up stairs for the powder, which he said he had forgot. In the meantime he made off without paying the reckoning.
A steward wrote to a bookseller in London for some books to fit up his master’s library: “In the first place I want for the vacant shelves six feet of theology, the same quantity of school metaphysics, and near a yard of old civil law in folio.”
116In a mixed company, the topic of conversation fell upon the subject of matrimony, when one, as it is usual, compared it to heaven, and another to hell. On its being referred to a gentleman who just entered the room, he said, “That he rather looked upon it as purgatory.”
When Sir Elijah Impey, the India judge, was on his passage home, as he was one day walking the deck, it having blowed pretty hard the preceding day, a shark was playing by the side of the ship. Having never seen such an object before, he called to one of the sailors to tell him what it was. “Why,” replied the tar, “I don’t know, indeed, what name they know them by ashore, but here we call them sea-lawyers.”
The death of Pope Adrian caused such joy at Rome, that the night after his decease they adorned the door of his chief physician’s house with garlands, adding the inscription, “To the deliverer of his country.”
Sir John Trevor, who for some misdemeanor had been expelled the House of Commons, one day meeting with Archbishop Tillotson, cried out, “I hate to see an atheist in the shape of 117 a churchman.” “And I,” replied the good bishop, “hate to see a knave in any shape.”
A gentleman observed one day to Mr. Henry Erskine, who is a great punster, that punning is the lowest sort of wit. “It is so,” answered he, “and therefore the foundation of all wit.”
Lady Cartaret, wife of the Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift’s time, said to him, “The air of this country is good.” “For G—d’s sake, madam,” said Swift, “don’t say so in England, if you do they will certainly tax it.”
A very reprobate priest doing duty for a friend, found some difficulty in getting on the surplice; after bestowing some hearty curses upon the garment, he swore at last he thought the devil was in it. “I thinks as how he be,” said the clerk, as soon as he saw him completely habited.
A student in one of the universities sent to another to borrow a certain book. “I never lend my books out,” said he, “but if the gentleman chooses to come to my chambers, he may make use of it as long as he pleases.” A few days after, he that had refused the book, sent to the other to borrow a pair of bellows. “I never lend my bellows out,” says the other, 118 “but if the gentleman chooses to come to my chambers, he may make use of them as long as he pleases.”
A certain facetious gentleman being asked by an honourable lounger why he so often played the fool, replied, “For the same reason that you do, out of want; you play the fool for want of wit, and I for want of money.”
“Whereas, a quantity of turnips have been stolen out of a field near Bishop Auckland; this is to give notice, that any person stealing turnips from the said field in field in future, may take what they get.”
A writing master in Islington, having engaged the affections of a female scholar with a fortune of twenty thousand pounds, led her to the hymeneal altar. A few days previous he had been asked by her guardian how Miss came on in her writing? To this the master gravely replied, “Vastly well indeed, Sir; I shall soon have her in joining-hand.”
Alcibiades finding his irregularities become the general topic of conversation at Athens, and having a very fine dog, which he had given a large sum of money for, he cut off his tail, which was reckoned a great ornament. His 119 friends told him the whole city blamed him for so foolish an action, and talked of nothing else. “That is what I meant,” said he; “I had rather they should talk of my dog’s tail, than scrutinize my conduct.”
A person meeting a coal-merchant, inquired what a chaldron of coals would come to? The coal merchant began to consider, and knowing the question was put to him from idle curiosity, deliberately answered, “Sir, if they’re well burnt, they’ll come to ashes.”
Sir William B——, being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, “Sir,” says he to the farmer, “do you know, Sir, that I have been at the two universities?” “Well, Sir,” said the farmer, “I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation that I made was, he only grew the greater calf for that.”
A finished coquette at a ball asked a gentleman near her, while she adjusted her tucker, whether he could flirt a fan, which she held in her hand. “No, madam,” answered he, proceeding to use it, “but I can fan a flirt.”
An under officer of the customs at the port of Liverpool, running heedlessly along the 120 ship’s gunnel, happened to tip overboard, and was drowned: being soon after taken up, the coroner’s jury was summoned, to sit upon the body; one of the jurymen returning home, was called to by an alderman of the town, and asked what verdict they brought in, and whether they found it felo de se! “Aye, aye,” says the juryman, shaking his noddle, “he fell into the sea sure enough.”
Louis XIV., who loved a concise style, met on the road, as he was travelling into the country, a priest, who was riding post; and, ordering him to stop, asked hastily, “Whence come you? Where are you going? What do you want?” The other, who perfectly well knew the king’s disposition, instantly relied, “From Bruges. To Paris. A benefice.” “You shall have it,” replied the king; and in a few days presented him to a valuable living.
CONCISENESS. Page 120.
A lady, seeing the sheriff of a county, who was a very handsome young gentleman, attending the judge, who was an old man; a gentleman standing by, asked her which she liked the best, the judge or the sheriff? The lady told him the sheriff. “Why so?” said the gentleman. “Because,” answered she, “though I love judgment well, I love execution better.”
When Colonel Thornton once asked his coachman, whether he had any objection to go 121 abroad with him? “To any place that ever was created,” said the fellow eagerly. “Would you drive me to hell?” said the colonel. “That I would,” answered the fellow. “Why you would find it a hot berth, and you must go in first yourself.” “No, no; I would back your honour in.”
First of April. — Got up early this morning to prepare for business — Sally still a-bed — flung the watchman a shilling out of the window, to tap at my door and cry fire! — Sally started up in a fright, overturned my best wig, which stood in the passage, and ran into the street half-naked — was obliged to give her a shilling to quiet her.
Ten o’clock. — Sent a letter to Mr. Plume, the undertaker, telling him that my neighbour old Frank Fuz, who was married on Monday to his late wife’s step-daughter, had died suddenly last night — saw six of Plume’s men go in, and heard old Fuz very loud with them.
Invited all our club to dine at deputy Dripping’s, and invited him to dine at Alderman Grub’s at Hampstead. — N. B. The alderman is on a visit to his son-in-law in Kent.
Twelve o’clock. — Received an order, in the name of a customer in Essex, for six pounds of snuff, to be sent by the coach — smoked the bite, and kicked the messenger out of the shop. — N. B. Not catch old birds, &c.
One o’clock. — Afraid Sally would play some trick upon me in dressing my dinner; so went to get a steak at a coffee-house — chalked the waiter’s back as he gave me change. — N. B. Two bad shillings.
122Asked an old woman in Cheapside what was the matter with her hat? she took it off; and while I was calling her April fool, a boy ran off with my handkerchief in his hand.
Tapped a blue-coat boy on the shoulder and asked what he had got behind him? He answered, a fool — the people laughed at this; I did not see much in it.
Gave Giles, my shopman, a glass of brandy, which he took for a glass of wine. Giles unable to attend shop next day.
A footman, who had unfortunately married a shrew, told his master he had married an heiress. The gentleman, expecting to hear the lady was a great catch and of a noble family, inquiring farther about her, was told by his man John, that the devil had only one daughter, and he had married her.
A constant frequenter of city feasts having grown enormously fat, it was proposed to write on his back, “Widened at the expense of the Corporation.”
The late Duke of Richmond had some capital hunters in Sussex. A monkey that was kept in the stable, was remarkably fond of riding the horses; skipping from one to the other, and teazing the poor animals incessantly. The groom made a complaint to the duke, who immediately formed a plan to remedy the evil. 123 “If he is so fond of riding,” said his grace, “we’ll endeavour to give him enough of it.” A complete jockey dress was provided for the monkey; and the next time the hounds went out, Jacko in his uniform was strapped to the back of one of the best hunters. The view halloo being given, away they went, through thick and thin: the horse carrying so light a weight, presently left all the company behind. Some of the party passing by a farm-house, inquired of a countryman whether he had seen the fox. “Aye, zure,” said the man, he be gone over yon fallow.” “And was there any one up with him?” “Whoy, yes,” said John, “there be a little man in a yellow jacket, riding as though the devil be in ’um. I hope, from my heart, the young gentleman mayn’t meet with a fall, but he rides monstrous hard.”
Jack Ketch being asked on what ground he claimed the clothes of those he hanged, answered, “As their executor.”
The lady of a new made knight being asked to drink a glass of wine, refused, because her physician had put her upon a regiment, which was to drink water. “Then, Madam,” said Mr. Alderman Birch, “I presume you belong to the Coldstream.”
Sir Thomas More having awarded a heavy fine to be paid by one convicted of usury, the culprit 124 petitioned for a long day to make the payment, on which Sir Thomas ordered it for the 21st of June, being the longest day he knew.
A rider to a capital house in Watling-street, being on a journey, was attacked a few miles beyond Winchester by a single highwayman, who, taking him by surprise, robbed him of his purse and pocket-book, containing cash and notes to a considerable amount. “Sir,” said the rider, with great presence of mind, “I have suffered you to take my property, and you are welcome to it. It is my master’s, and the loss cannot do him much harm; but as it will look very cowardly in me to have been robbed without making any defence, I should take if kindly of you just to fire a pistol through my coat.” — “With all my heart,” said the highwayman, “where will you have the ball?” “Here,” said the rider, “just by the side of the button.” The unthinking highwayman was as good as his word; but the moment he fired, the rider knocked him off his horse, and, with the assistance of a traveller, who just at that time arrived, lodged the highwayman in Winchester gaol.
A Master of Arts being reduced to extreme poverty, begged some relief of a locksmith who was at work in his shop: the smith asked him, why he had not learned some art to get his bread by, rather than thus go about begging. “Alas!” replied the scholar.”I am a master of seven.” “Of seven!” replied the locksmith, 125 “they must be sorry ones indeed then, since they are not able to keep you; for my part, I have only one, as you see, which maintains seven of us; myself, my wife, and five children.”
A countryman, going into the office of the Commons where the wills are kept, and gazing on the huge volumes on the shelves, asked if these were all bibles? “No, Sir,” answered one of the clerks, “they are testaments.”
Fontaine’s confessor exhorting him to repent, the nurse came in, and entreated he would not plague him. “He is more stupid than wicked,” added she, “God will not have the heart to damn him.”
An Italian bishop had struggled through great difficulties without repining. An acquaintance of his asked him one day if he could communicate to him the secret he had made use of to be always easy. “Yes,” replied the prelate, “very easily. It consists of nothing more than making a right use of my eyes in whatever state I am in. I first look up to Heaven, and remember that my principal business here is to get thither; I then look down upon the earth, and call to mind how small a place I shall occupy in it when I come to be interred. Then I look abroad into the world, and observe what multitudes there are, 126 who, in all respects, are more unhappy than myself. Thus I learn where true happiness is placed; where all my cares must end; and how little reason I have to repine or complain.”
In an engagement at sea, in the reign of Charles II., between the Dutch and the English, a Scotch sailor was bit by a flea in his neck which he caught, and stooping down to crush it between his nails, many of the sailors near him had their heads taken off by a chain shot from the enemy. Seeing this, he had compassion on the flea, saying, that as he had preserved his life, he was bound in gratitude to save his.
A chimney sweep, having descended a wrong chimney, made his sudden appearance in a room where two men, one named Butler and the other Cook, were enjoying themselves over a pot of beer. “How now,” cries the former, “what news from the other world?” The sweep perceiving his mistake, and recollecting the persons, very smartly replied, “I came to inform you, that we are very much in want of a Butler and Cook.”
A lunatic in Bedlam was asked how he came there? he answered, “By a dispute.” “What dispute?” The bedlamite replied, “The world said I was mad; I said the world was mad; and they outwitted me.”
127Queen Caroline once had a mind to shut up St. James’s Park, and make a garden of it for the palace, and asked Sir Robert Walpole what he thought would be the expense of it? “Oh! Madam,” said he, “a mere trifle.” “A trifle! Sir; I know it must be expensive, but wish you would tell me as near as you can guess.” “Why, Madam, I believe the whole would cost you but three crowns.” “Sir Robert,” said she, “I will think no more of it.”
A person, who in the course of a tedious lawsuit, had given his attorney many hospitable invitations, was surprised at last to find as an article in his bill, “Dining with you —— times, at 6s. 8d. each.” Being indignant at this return to his kindness, he resolved to turn the tables in some degree on the attorney, and accordingly charged him 5s. a time for his dinner and wine. The man of law, however, was too deep for him, and informed against him for selling wine without a licence.
A Venetian ambassador at the court of Rome, remonstrating in behalf of the flag of the Republic, which had been insulted by the subjects of his holiness, so irritated the Pope, that he, with great arrogance, demanded what charter his master had for the sovereignty of the seas? The ambassador very gravely desired the pontiff to examine the back of the parchment, on 128 which was his grant for St. Peter’s patrimony, and he would find it there.
A lady that had married a gentleman who was a tolerable poet, one day sitting alone with him, said, “Come my dear, you write upon other people, prithee write something for me. Let me see what epitaph you’ll bestow on me when dead.” “Oh! my dear,” replied he, “that’s a melancholy subject! do not think of it.” “Nay, upon my life you shall,” says she. “Come, I’ll begin: Here lies Bid.” To which he answered, “Ah! I wish she did.”
“I wonder,” says a woman of humour, “why my husband and I quarrel so often, for we agree uniformly in one grand point; he wishes to be master, and so do I.”
A grave-digger who had buried a Mr. Button, sent the following curious bill to his widow: —
To making a Button-hole. . . . 2s.
A gentleman, who was not remarkable for being over fond of his wife, hearing her cough a good deal one day, said to a friend, who let drop some pitying expressions, “Prithee, Tom, never mind her, let her be d—— with her cough, I hope it will carry her to hell in a 129 fortnight.” The lady, who was in another room, overhearing this affectionate speech, immediately rushed into the parlour where it was delivered, and advancing to her husband, told him briskly, that she had too much of his company in this world to wish to have it in the next.
An arch boy belonging to one of the ships at Portsmouth, had purchased of his play-fellows a magpie, which he carried to his father’s house, and was at the door feeding it, when a gentleman in the neighbourhood, who had an impediment in the speech, coming up, “T—T—T—Tom,” says the gentleman, “can your Mag t—t—talk yet?” “Aye, Sir,” says the boy, “better than you, or I’d wring his head off.”
A gentleman meeting an old friend whom he had not seen for a long time, congratulated him on lately coming to the possession of a large landed estate. “There was such a report,” replied the other, “but I assure you that it was quite groundless.”
A notorious culprit, who suffered some years since at Salisbury, and the last of three brothers who had been executed for similar offences, after sentence was passed, said, “My lord, I humbly thank you.” His lordship astonished, asked him for what? “Because, my lord, I 130 thought I should have been hung in chains, which would have been a disgrace to the family.”
A notorious thief, being tried for his life, confessed the robbery he was charged with. The judge hereupon directed the jury to find him guilty upon his own confession. The jury having laid their heads together, brought him in not guilty. The judge bid them consider of it again; but still they brought in their verdict not guilty. The judge asked the reason? The foreman replied, “There is reason enough, for we all know him to be one of the greatest liars in the world.”
The Duke of Bridgewater being engaged in some work, to the completion of which he thought it necessary that the surface of the water should be smooth and still, a breeze springing up suddenly, he exclaimed, “D—n the wind;” to which a nobleman then present, observed, “You have indeed, my lord, taught us by experience that you can dam the water, but believe me, that not even your lordship can dam the wind!”
When old Parr was brought from Shropshire by Lord Arundel, and introduced to Charles I., both king and queen were, from the untoward situation of their affairs, in a very serious frame of mind; and the queen, looking at him with 131 great earnestness, asked him what he had done more in his long life, than men who had not lived half his time?” “May it please your majesty,” replied he, “I did penance for a bastard child in Abberbury church, when I was above a hundred years old”
A gentleman, who was dining with another, praised very much the meat, and asked who was the butcher? “His name is Addison.” “Addison!” echoed the guest, “pray is he any relation to the poet?” “In all probability he is, for he is seldom without his steel (Steele) by his side.”
A Frenchman, who had immediate occasion to stop under a gateway, saw a sow and a litter of pigs pass him. He stood some time admiring the diversity of colours, till he found an opportunity of popping one under his coat, and running off with it. This he attempted, but was pursued by the ostler, who overtook and seized him with the pig in his possession. He was taken to Bow-street, and fully committed. When the trial came on, the circumstance of the theft being clearly proved, he was found guilty, and asked what he had to say why sentence should not be passed? “Me lor, I vil trouble you attendez two tree vord vat I sall say. I French gentleman, I no understand vat you call de tief dis country. Mais I vil tell you tout d’affair, and you vil find dat I am innocent. Me Lor, I never tief a pig my life time.” “Why, it was found upon you.” “Oh certainly, but I 132 was take him with his own consent.” “How do you mean?” “Vy, ven I was see de mamma pig, and his childrens, I was very much in love vid them; and dis little pig, I look his face, I say, you pretty little fellow, will you come live vid me for one month? He says a-week! a-week! So I have taken him for a week, dat’s all.”
The British sailors had always been accustomed to drink their allowance of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those under his command to mix it with water. The innovation gave great offence to the sailors, and, for a time, rendered the commander very unpopular among them. The admiral, at that time, wore a grogram coat, for which reason they nick-named him “old Grog,” &c., hence, by degrees, the mixed liquor he constrained them to, universally obtained among them the name of grog.
One being at his wife’s funeral, and the bearers going hastily along, called out to them, “Don’t go so fast; what need we make a toil of a pleasure.”
A curious conversation lately took place on board one of the Margate hoys, which being overheard, occasioned no small merriment among the passengers. A gentleman, who was totally unacquainted with the customs of those vessels, remained on deck till all the 133 cabins were doubly occupied, one excepted, in which was a lady. He addressed himself to her: “Pray, Madam, be so kind as to make room for me.” “Good God, sir! you cannot come here; go to the other cabins.” Have, Madam, and I find they are all full.” “Sir, it is impossible to admit you here, for I am undressed.” “Well, Madam, I scorn to take any advantage of you; I will therefore undress too!”
A French officer, who had served under Henry IV., not having received any pay for a considerable time, came to the king, and confidently said to him, “Sire, three words with your majesty, money, or discharge.” “Four with you,” answered his majesty, “neither one nor t’other.”
Some years ago, one of the male convicts in Botany Bay wrote a farce, which was acted with great applause on the theatre, in Port Jackson. Barrington, the noted pickpocket, furnished the prologue, which ended with these two lines: —
True patriots we, for be it understood,
We left our country for our country’s good.
Jacob Tonson, the most eminent of his profession as a publisher, having refused to advance Dryden a sum of money for a work in which he was engaged, the incensed bard sent 134 a message to him, and the following lines, adding, “Tell the dog, that he who wrote these can write more.”
“With leering looks, bull-faced, and freckled fair,
With two left legs, and Judas-coloured hair,
And frowzy pores, that taint the ambient air!”
The bookseller felt the force of the description; and, to avoid a completion of the portrait, immediately sent the money.
An Irish counsellor having lost a cause which had been tried before three judges, one of whom was esteemed an able lawyer, the other two very poor ones, a brother counsel was merry on the occasion. “Why,” says he, “who the devil could help it, when there were an hundred judges on the bench!” “An hundred!” said the other, “there were but three.” “By St. Patrick,” replied he, “there was a figure of one and two cyphers.”
When Dr. Franklin applied to the King of Prussia to lend his assistance to America, “Pray, doctor,” said the veteran, “what is the object you mean to attain?” “Liberty, Sire,” replied the philosopher of Philadelphia: “liberty! that freedom which is the birth-right of man.” The king, after a short pause, made this memorable and kingly answer: “I was born a prince, I am become a king, and I will not use the power which I possess to the ruin of my own trade.”
135A footpad, who had lately been condemned to be hanged, refused the assistance of a clergyman, on the ground that he himself had led the life of an apostle, and drew the parallel as follows: — “They were wanderers on the earth, without lands or tenements, so was I. They were despised by many, and at all hazards unalterably attached to their principles, so was I. They were thrown into gaols and prisons, and underwent great hardships, so did I. And as they all came to untimely death, in that I am likely to imitate them also.”
A Scotch bagpiper, travelling into Ireland, opened his wallet by a wood-side, and sat down to dinner; he had no sooner said grace, than three wolves came about him. To one he threw bread, to another meat, till his provision was all gone: at length he took up the bagpipes and began to play; at which the wolves ran away. “The Deel faw me,” said Sawney, “an I had kenn’d ye loved music so weel, ye should have had it before dinner.”
An honest Highlander, walking along Holborn, heard a voice cry, “Rogue Scot, rogue Scot;” his northern blood fired at the insult, drew his broad sword, looking round him on every side, to discover the object of his indignation; at last he found that it came from a parrot perched in a balcony within his reach. 136 But the generous Scot, disdaining to stain his trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put up his sword again with a sour smile, saying, “Gin ye were man, as ye ’re a green geuse, I would split your wem.”
Mr. Fox, on one of his occasions for borrowing money, met with a good-natured Jew, who told him he might take his own time for payment. “Then,” says Charles, “We’ll make it the day of judgment; or, as that will be rather a busy day, suppose we say the day after.”
A few days before the arrival of the definitive treaty from Paris, Mr. (then Secretary) Fox was boasting at Brookes’s of the advantageous peace he had ratified, considering the odious preliminaries he had to ground it on; and among other circumstances, said, “He had at length prevailed upon the court of Versailles to resign all pretensions to the gum trade in favour of Great Britain.” Mr. Selwyn, who was present, and supposed to be asleep in his chair, immediately exclaimed, “That, friend Charles, I am not in the least surprised at, for having permitted the French to draw your teeth, they would be d—d fools indeed to quarrel with you about your gums.”
Two gentlemen at Bath having a difference, one went to the other’s door early in the morning, and wrote “Scoundrel” upon it. 137 The other called upon his neighbour, and was answered by a servant, that his master was not at home, but if he had any thing to say he might leave it with him. “No, no,” says he, “I was only going to return your master’s visit, as he left his name at my door in the morning.”
At a late review of a volunteer corps, not twenty miles from Norwich, the major, who gave the word, not finding them so expert as he wished, was perpetually calling, “As you were — as you were,” and putting them twice through the ordered manœuvre; the inspecting officer at length losing all patience, exclaimed, “As you were! No, I’ll be d——d, if you are as you were; for you are not half so good as you were the last time I saw you.”
Queen Elizabeth, seeing Sir Edward —— in her garden, looked out of her window and asked him in Italian, what a man thought of when he thought of nothing. Sir Edward paused a little and said, “Madam, he thinks of a woman’s promise.” The queen shrunk in her head, and was heard to say, “Edward, I must not confute you! Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.”
Two ladies, just returning from Bath were telling a gentleman how well they liked the place, and how it agreed with them; the first had been very ill, and received great benefit 138 from the waters. “But pray, Madam, what did you go for?” said he to the second “Mere wantonness,” replied she; “And pray, Madam, did it cure you?”
Miners are known to be a superstitious race. In some extensive mines in Wales, the men frequently saw the devil, and when once he had been seen, the men would work no more that day. This became serious, for the old gentleman repeated his visits so frequently, that it became an injury to the proprietor. He at last called his men together, and told them it was very certain that the devil never appeared to any body who had not deserved to be so terrified, and that as he was determined to keep no rogues about him, he was resolved to discharge the first man that saw the devil again. The remedy was as efficient as if he had turned a stream of holy water into the mine.
A citizen of London having made his fortune, thought the best way to employ his money, was in building a row of houses Whitechapel, to let out in tenements; which, after he had built, he unadvisedly let one of them to a coppersmith for a term of lease, when unluckily the driving of the nails and the hammers became such a nuisance, that the other neighbouring tenants gave warning upon it to the landlord, who went immediately to the coppersmith and offered him any terms to give up the lease, which he could not prevail upon him to do; when he luckily happened to mention it before an officer of the 139 guards, who said, if that he would give him five guineas, and suffer him to be in the next house to him, that he would effectually force him out; which the other agreed to. Accordingly, he got two drummers, and ordered them to keep a continual drumming; which so alarmed and hindered the coppersmith, that he could not work at his trade, as these people, when they work, must hear their own blows, or else they are liable to strike the nail too much on the head, and when it is almost even with the surface for it to come loose again: so this expedient not only served the landlord, but also gave the officer the means of enlisting his men, as they could not work, and were idle.
At a fashionable whist party, a lady having won a rubber of twenty guineas, the gentleman who was her opponent pulled out his pocket-book, and tendered twenty-one pounds in bank-notes. The fair gamester observed, with a disdainful toss of her head, “In the great houses which I frequent, Sir, we always use gold.” “That may be, madam,” replied the gentleman, “but in the little houses which I frequent, we always use paper.”
A countryman, very much marked with the small-pox, applied to a justice of the peace for redress in an affair where one of his neighbours had ill treated him; but not explaining the business so clearly as the justice expected, “Fellow,” said the justice, in a rage, “I don’t know whether you were inoculated for the small-pox 140 or not; but I am sure you have been for stupidity.” “Why, and please your honour,” replied the man, “perhaps I might, as you say, be inoculated for stupidity, but there was no occasion to perform that upon your worship, for you seem to have had it in the natural way.”
“I never,” says a person, who knew little about the doctor, “saw Orator Henley but once, and that was at the Grecian Coffee-House, where a gentleman he was acquainted with coming in, and seating himself in the same box, the following dialogue passed between them:”
Henley. Pray what is become of our old friend Dick Smith? I have not seen him him for several years.
Gentleman. I really don’t know. The last time I heard of him he was at Ceylon, or some of our settlements in the West Indies.
Henley (with some surprise). At Ceylon, or some of our settlements in the West Indies! My good Sir, in one sentence there are two mistakes. Ceylon is not one of our settlements, it belongs to the Dutch; and it is situated not in the West, but the East Indies!”
Gentleman (with some heat). That I deny.
Henley. More shame to you! I will engage to bring a boy eight years of age who will confute you.
Gentleman (in a cooler tone of voice). Well, be where it will, I thank God I know very little about these sort of things.
Henley. What, you thank God for your ignorance, do you?
Gentleman (in a violent rage). I do, Sir; what then?
141Henley. Sir, you have a great deal to be thankful for.
Selden tells this story: — A person of quality came to my chamber, in the Temple, and told me that he had two devils in his head (I wondered what he meant), and just at that time one of them bid him kill me: with that, I began to afraid and thought he was mad. He said he knew I could cure him, and therefore entreated me to give him something, for he was resolved he would go to nobody else. I perceived what an opinion he had of me, and that it was only melancholy that troubled him, took it in hand, and warranted him, if he would follow my directions, to cure him in a short time. I desired him to let me alone for about half an hour, and then come again, which he was very willing do. In the mean time I got a card, and lapped it up in a handsome piece of taffeta, put strings to the taffeta, and when he came I gave it him to hang about his neck, charging him that he should not disorder himself with eating or drinking, but eat very little supper, and say his prayers duly when he went to bed, and I made no question but he would be well in three or four days. Within that time, I went to dinner at his house, and asked him how he did. He said he was much better, but not perfectly well; or, in truth, he had not dealt clearly with me. He had four devils in his head, and he perceived two of them were gone, with that which I had given him, but the other two troubled him still. “Well,” said I, “I am glad two of them are gone, and I make no doubt but to get away the other.” So I gave 142 him another thing to hang likewise about his neck. Three days after he came to me at my chamber and professed he was as well as ever he was in his life, and thanked me for the great care I had of him. I, fearing lest he might relapse into the like distemper, told him that there was none but myself, and one physician more in the whole town, that could cure the devils in the head, and that was Dr. Harvey, whom I had prepared, and wished him, if ever he found himself ill in my absence, to go to him, for he could cure his disease as well as myself. — The gentleman lived many years, and was never troubled after.
A certain lord, having a termagant wife, and at the same time a chaplain who was a tolerable poet, his lordship desired him to write a copy of verses on a shrew. “I cannot imagine,” said the parson, “why your lordship should want a copy, who has so good an original.”
An eccentric barber, some years ago, opened a shop under the walls of the King’s Bench prison. The windows being broken when he entered it, he mended them with paper, on which appeared, “Shave for a penny,” with the usual invitation to customers: and over the door was scrawled these lines: —
“Here lives Jemmy Wright
Shaves as well as any man in England,
Almost — not quite.”
Foote (who loved any thing eccentric) saw these inscriptions, and hoping to extract some 143 wit from the author, whom he justly concluded to be an odd character, he pulled off his hat, thrusting his head through a paper pane into the shop, called out, “Is Jemmy Wright at home” The barber immediately forced his own head through another pane into the street, and replied, “No, Sir, he has just popt out.” Foote laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea.
The following advertisement was posted at North Shields: — “Whereas several idle and disorderly persons have lately made a practice of riding on an ass, belonging to Mr. ——, the head of the Ropery Stairs; now, lest any accident should happen, he takes this method of informing the public, that he is determined to shoot his said ass, and cautions any person who may be riding on it at the time, to take care of himself, lest by some unfortunate mistake he should shoot the wrong one.”
A Yorkshire boy went into a public-house, where a gentleman was eating eggs. The boy looked extremely hard at him for some time, and then said, “Will you be good enough to give me a little salt, Sir?” “Aye, certainly, boy; but why do you want salt?” “Perhaps, Sir,” says he, “you’ll ask me to eat an egg presently, and I should like to be ready.” “What country are you from, my lad?” “Yorkshire, Sir.” “I thought so — there take an egg.” “I thank you, Sir,” said the boy. “Well,” added the gentleman, “they are all 144 great horse-stealers in your country, are they not?” “Yes,” rejoins the boy, “my father (though an honest man) would mind no more stealing of a horse than I would drinking your glass of ale. — Your health, Sir,” says he, and drank it up. “That will do,” says the gentleman; “I see you ’re Yorkshire.”
A poor fellow in France used to weep bitterly whenever a certain capuchin (who wore a long beard) preached. The good father took notice of it, and at last begged to know what it was in his discourse that made such an impression upon his heart. “Ah! father,” said the peasant, “I never see you but I think of an old he-goat I lost last Easter — he was the very picture of your reverence — one would swear you had been twins.”
STRIKING LIKENESS. Page 144.
The Lord Jefferies pleading at the bar, before he was made a judge, a country fellow, giving evidence against his client, pushed the matter very closely. Jefferies, after his usual way, called out to the fellow, “Harkee, you fellow in the leather doublet! what have you for swearing?” To which the country man replied, “Faith, Sir, if you had no more for lying than I have for swearing, you might e’en wear a leather doublet too.”
Not long since two persons, each professing to have a call, applied under the provisions of 145 the act of parliament, and obtained a licence to preach the word. One of these respectable and very reverend gentlemen (both of whom had hitherto been employed in very different vocations) stated himself to be a tailor, and the other declared himself, on examination, a shoemaker. On farther inquiry, respecting their motives and views, they considered themselves perfectly gifted for the ministry: the object of the one being to mend the bad habits of mankind; and the other having quitted his awl in this world for the cure of souls.
A gentleman, coming into a barber’s shop to be shaved, was tormented by the fellow’s finical manners and insignificant garrulity. “In what manner would your honour be shaved?” exclaimed the tonsor. “If possible,” replied the gentleman, “in silence.”
Henry the Fourth of France was much enamoured of a lady who used to attend the court. The prince one day, in a gallant humour, said to the lady, “Pray, Madam, which is the way to your bed-room?” “Through the church,” replied she.
A gentleman, who possessed a small estate in Gloucestershire, was allured to town by the promises of a courtier, who kept him in constant attendance for a long while to no purpose; at last the gentleman, quite tired out, called upon 146 his pretended friend, and told him that he had at last got a place. The courtier shook him heartily by the hand, and said he very much rejoiced at the event, “But pray, Sir,” said he, “where is your place?” “In the Gloucester coach,” replied the other. “I secured it last night, and good-bye to you.”
A preacher, being requested to perform the last sad office for a young woman at the point of death, pressed her to believe that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of heaven. “Then I am safe,” replied the patient, “for I have been so long ailing, that I am nothing now but skin and bone.”
A sailor, who had been fighting and making a riot, was taken, first to a watch-house, then before a justice, who, after severely reprimanding him, ordered him to find bail. “I have no bail,” said Jack. “Then I ’ll commit you,” said the justice. “You will,” said the sailor, “then the Lord send you the rope that stops the wind when the ship’s at anchor.” “What do you mean by that” said the justice, “I insist on an explanation of that phrase.” “Why,” said Jack, “It’s the hanging rope at the yard-arm.”
A parson, thinking to banter an honest Quaker, asked him, where his religion was before George Fox’s time? “Where thine was,” 147 says the Quaker, “before Harry Tudor’s time. And now thou hast been so free with me,” added the Quaker, “pr’ythee let me ask thee a question: Where was Jacob going when he was turned of ten years of age? canst thou tell that?” “No,” said the parson, “nor you neither, I believe.” “Yes, I can,” replied the Quaker; “He was going for eleven, was not he?”
Ben Jonson, being one night at the Devil Tavern, there was a country gentleman in the company, who interrupted all their discourse with an account of his lands and tenements; at last, Ben, unable to bear with it any longer, said, “What signifies your clods to us; where you have one acre of land, I have ten acres of wit.” “Have you so,” replied the countryman; “good Mr. Wiseacre?” This unexpected repartee from the clown struck Ben mute for some time. “Why, how now, Ben,” says one of the company, “You seem to be quite stung?” “Why, I never was so pricked by a hob-nail before,” replied he.
A fellow who had stolen four pigs, was pursued and committed to prison. “D—mn it,” says he, “I have brought my hogs to a fine market.”
A person lamenting the death of his child, his friend told him, “That his grief was incapable 148 of retrieving his loss.” “ ’Tis for that very reason,” replied the other, “that I grieve.”
Garrick used to employ one Stone to pick him up actors: — he was to find him a Bishop of Winchester, and had engaged one. Not long before the play began, he sent the following note to Garrick: —
“Sir — The Bishop of Winchester is getting drunk at the Bear. He swears d—mn his eyes if he’ll play to-night. W. Stone.”
“Stone — The Bishop may go to the devil. I don’t know a greater rascal, except yourself.”
When Lord Kenyon and Lord Loughborough were chief justices of the King’s Bench and Common Pleas at the same time, one fishmonger near Lincoln’s-Inn-Fields supplied the piscatory luxuries of both tables, whose custom it was to ticket the principal article with the name of the purchaser, and hang it up conspicuously in his shop. One day the following labels appeared on fish destined for the respective boards of these noble lords — “Lord Loughborough, 2 turbots, 6 hen lobsters, 4 dozen smelts, 100 prawns.” — “Lord Kenyon, a haddock.” A gentleman passing by, observed to the fishmonger, that there was some difference in the orders of his noble friends. “Yes, Sir,” replied the other, “there is; and yet it would puzzle the best lawyer amongst you to tell me which will prove the best customer.”
149Ignatius Sancho, in one of his letters, tells his respondent, that Sam. Foote was dead. “A leg, which had been cut off,” says he, “was buried some years since, and now the whole Foote follows.”
A violent Welsh squire having taken offence at a poor curate, who employed his leisure hours in mending clocks and watches, applied to the Bishop of St. Asaph with a formal complaint against him, for impiously carrying on trade contrary to the statute. His lordship having heard the complaint, told the squire, “He might depend upon it the strictest justice should be done in the case.” “Accordingly the mechanic divine was sent for and the bishop asked him how he dared to disgrace his diocese by following so low a trade as that of a member of timepieces. The other, with all humility, answered, “To satisfy the wants of a wife and ten children!” “That won’t do with me,” rejoined the prelate: “I’ll inflict such a punishment upon you, as shall make you leave off your pitiful trade, I promise you;” and immediately calling in his secretary, ordered him to make out a presentation to the astonished curate to a living of at least £150 per annum.
General Kirk, who served many years at Tangier, after his return to England, was pressed by James the Second to become a 150 proselyte to the Romish religion, as the most acceptable means of recommending himself to favour. As soon as the king had done speaking, Kirk expressed great concern that it was not in his power to comply with his majesty’s desire, because he was really pre-engaged. The king smiled, and asked him what he meant; “Why, truly,” answered Kirk, “when I was abroad, I promised the Emperor of Morocco, that if ever I changed my religion I would turn Mahometan; and I never did break my word in my life, and must beg leave to say I never will.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~