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From Humorous Hits and How to Hold an Audience, edited by Grenville Kleiser; Funk & Wagnalls; New York and London, 1912; p. 177.
AN INTRODUCTION
BY MARK TWAIN
“Ladies — and — gentleman: — By — the — request of the — Chairman of the — Com-mit-tee — I beg leave to — introduce — to you — the reader of the evening — a gentleman whose great learning — whose historical ac-curacy — whose devotion — to science — and — and — whose veneration for the truth — are only equaled by his high moral character — and — his — majestic presence. I allude — in these vague general terms — to my-self. I — am a little opposed to the custom of ceremoniously introducing a reader to the audience, because it seems — unnecessary — where the man has been properly advertised! But as — it is — the custom — I prefer to make it myself — in my own case — and then I can rely on getting in — all the facts! I never had but one introduction — that seemed to me just the thing — and the gentleman was not acquainted with me, and there was no nonsense. Ladies and gentlemen, I shall waste no time in this introduction. I know of only two facts about this man: first, he — has never been in the state prison; and second, I can’t — imagine why.”
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