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Straydoc Says:

'It's About Time!'
Very Good, Very Alternative,
Very Cost-Effective
Preventive Medicine

For Those Jobs a Personal Trainer, Attorney,
Accountant or Publicity Firm Just Can’t Do

or,

     Who Says You Can’t Buy a Guardian Angel?


Personal Physician Bodyguards, Ltd.  Launched and available For Hire.

Smart, Successful People have Fun and Don’t Get Caught -- now you
can, too!


       Physicians with a broad range of experience, and
    unrestricted medical licensure in all 50 states are available
    to accompany you in those times when you are in most
    need of preventive medical care.


           Let down your hair, live it up, go slumming, or
    otherwise plan to have some serious fun after hours.

    Best of all--- know that when you wake up in the morning
    you may not be in jail, on the news, or dead.
Had too much of something...anything...but don’t know it yet?

    Your Personal Physician Bodyguard (PPB) will be there to
    prevent you from falling off your barstool and spending the
    night in the Emergency Room getting stitches.  

    Skull fractures will also be averted.  

    You will not walk into any pillars or miss any stairs with
    a trained escort in command of all his faculties, including
    stellar navigational capabilities.
Is gentle passing out in a booth your pattern?

    Even if it is not in your nature normally, we guard you
    against the consequences of a harmless loss of
    consciousness:  


    With our protection, no panicky bartender or untrained-but-enthusiastic
    drinking companion will crush your sternum, splinter ribs, puncture lungs
    or breathe germs into your face doing unnecessary and incompetent CPR.  

    (If resuscitation should prove necessary at any time, you can be assured
    that a fully trained practitioner will be doing it.)

    If the lapse into dreamland seems likely to signify the end of your willing
    participation in any further events planned for the evening, you will be
    ensured knowledgeable, respectful transport home.  

    Such attention to detail preserves future limb function, prevents ungainly and
    immodest, unconscious physical displays, and ensures that you are also in a
    posture that will not result in accidental suffocation or aspiration.  

    Any drool will be removed before it can be remarked upon by others, or
    cause chapping.
    Plan on practicing unsafe sex?  



    Your PPB will provide your potential partner with information that will
    guarantee that this person uses protection so you don’t have to worry about
    destroying the spontaneity of the moment.  

    Do not take the risk that the other party will be:

    1.  Someone you would never want to see or have anything to do
         with when normal,

    2.  Is unconsenting, or,

    3.  is woefully inept technically.  


    As part of the package, your PPB will also be aware of your normal tastes,
    desires, and political affiliations.

    Years of training and clinical acumen, accompanied by age verification, will
    be called into play to discourage inappropriate connections successfully.

    Because we go the extra mile, your very own PPB will also perform an
    assessment of the desirability of merging gene pools, give a fair prediction of
    the structure of the likely product if an accidental commingling should occur
    and advise you accordingly. This intervention could save potential child
    support/rearing money for better use.

    If some distressing permanent infectious disease should result, your PPB will
    do his best to ensure that it will have been worth it, by thoroughly vetting
    professed technical ability.  This includes corroborating any statements with
    on-the-spot reference checks attesting to the validity of any perceived
    prowess you plan to avail yourself of.

    For no additional cost,

    Your cell phone calls and hand-held e-mails will be
    screened to avoid alienating the right people and/or
    encouraging the wrong sort.  You will not be held
    accountable tomorrow because your usual business
    genius, diplomatic skills and commonsense are
    taking tonight off.


    When someone appears to be provoking your normally mild-mannered self into
    acts of violence, with one timely phone call by your PPB, the bully will be
    removed to prevent further harassment.  

    Our stated purpose is to intervene before you are totally disfigured, or maimed,
    should that outcome appear likely.  


    ******************

    If necessary, a jolt from the portable defibrillator
    carried by your physician bodyguard will be utilized
       -- if absolutely indicated --
    should this deterrent prove necessary in your defense.


    ******************  

Think, if you struggle with these
questions:

    Q.  Do you sometimes forget that you can’t swim, can't fly, and/or don't
    know karate?    


    A.  Because of the thorough history
          you will have provided beforehand,
          no harm will ensue from perfectly
               understandable lapses in memory.

    Q.  Did you forget you were allergic to shellfish, nuts, rodents, leather or are
          lactose intolerant?  


    A.  See previous answer.

    (Two Part Question)

    Q.
        Part a.  Is the physical activity that you are about to engage in going to undo
                      or jeopardize the reconstructive, restorative, or cosmetic surgery you
                      have recently undergone?
                                                                                                           
        Part b. Is your usual medication going to cause unforeseen repercussions
                       because you forgot what it interacts with?   


    (Two Part Answer)

    A.  Once again, you will be steered to less
    deleterious, reversible choices where
    appropriate antidotes are known to be
    effective, if needed.  

    AND

    B.  You will not risk coma or liver transplant
    with appropriate on-the-spot reminders
    provided as part of the package.

    Q.  Afraid you won’t notice when your appearance has deteriorated
           to the point that any solicitations and repartee will be discounted
           as pitiful instead of sensual, charismatic and witty?

           Worried that while priding yourself on your communication
           abilities, you might be unable to determine that your speech
           has become garbled, slurred, nonsensical or overly crude?

Relax.....

Don’t worry......


Trust your PPB !!!
    Tangible benefits, specialty expertise, and
    customized service are at your command when
    a PPB is by your side.  

    This includes, but is not limited to:

    a.  Re-wording of unfortunate or indistinct remarks
    into acceptable language.  These translations will
    be accompanied by a disclaimer and the requisite
    reassurance about the temporary nature of the
    acute medical condition that has afflicted you and
    temporarily deprives you of coherency.    
    (Your speedy recovery will be emphasized
    authoritatively and convincingly.)

    b.  No longer will your signature show up on any
    paper work, of any kind, while under the influence
    of anything but your sober brain.  Your business
    cards, home phone number and, if necessary, your
    true identity will be restricted to more appropriate
    networking venues.  Targeting the wrong audience
    will not be a permanent error that will haunt you
    the rest of your days.

    c.  Your drinks and their preparation will be
    monitored so no unplanned ingredients will slip
    past your lips or nostrils. No dirty needles will be
    shared by you.

    d.  Not only is a timely escort available to ensure
    that the release of any distressing bodily outpourings
    occurs in private, without witnesses, your physician
    will ensure that the Little Black Bag is tailor made for
    you personally.  It will contain all the necessities you
    should require to return your appearance and breath
    to a presentable state.


    (The contents of your Little Black Bag could include, depending
    on your particular persona-of-the day: spot removers, room
    deodorizers, spare pants, shirts, bodystockings, underpinnings
    [e.g. panties, abdominal binders, boxers, briefs, thongs- we do
    not judge) your chosen toiletries and signature scents, contact
    lenses and dentures].}

     Tend to overspend, overdonate and overtip at parties?

    Do you call your ex-anything when you indulge?  

Do you misplace receipts?  

    Do you make promises you don’t mean?  

    Do you grovel or threaten, at these times,
    when your usual pride would hold you back
    from such utter humiliation?



    Is the mix of chemicals you
    plan to ingest possibly

    LETHAL???


    PREVENT REMORSE, REGRETS &
    REPERCUSSIONS!


    Your PPB will ensure that none of this happens !!!



       




    This is not all you can expect from us, there
    is far, far more:


            If you manage to get behind the wheel of any vehicle. you
    can be sure your PPB will follow closely behind to be on the
    spot ,should the worse happen and keep you, and any
    others, alive---if medically possible--- until the paramedics
    arrive. 911 will be called immediately. so you don’t have to
    rely on that rare kindness of strangers to perform this
    function if you are unable.

            Your PPB will also be your advocate at any hospital you
    end up in, to guarantee that neither misguided treatment, nor
    miscommunications (including press releases), should result
    because you are unconscious and unable to defend yourself.

    The length of the association will last until you are once again
    in your right mind--- in the bed of your choice.

    You may feel that you have friends, family or significant
    others who will do the same thing for you, if you asked, for
    free.  

    BUT can you trust that your little lapses will not
    result in fuel for ongoing interpersonal feuds?  

    OR, that this one night of fun will not come back to torment
    you in any future disagreement?  

    That is too costly to contemplate when the solution, with
    confidentiality, can be had so handily.



    You can also be sure of the crucial details, i.e.:
      

    Your PPB will be cheaper than any lawyer.  More cost-
    effective by far than the spin control fees charged by your
    publicist, political party, business partners or loved ones.

    Plus, a discreetly worded doctor’s note explaining your
    absence or tardiness on the morrow will be included at no
    additional cost should it prove necessary.


    Being so responsible, we know that you have your own list
    of favored providers and associates in your usual day-to-day
    dealings for a variety of services.  We guarantee that your
    utilization of our PPB will not alienate these valuable
    business relationships.  

    To avoid conflicts of interest and professional discourtesy,
    the following services that they usually provide will not be
    infringed upon by your PPB:
       No prescriptions will be written.
       No assistance in accessing useable veins will be offered.
       No illegal procurements will be made or witnessed on
             your behalf.







    Other Details:

    (Handled With Our Unparalleled
    Discretion and Diplomacy, of course)




    To guarantee availability for spontaneous
    entertainments, or for corporate use, retainers may
    be negotiated.

    Gift certificates are available.

    No insurance plans accepted.  

    Cash, credit cards and PayPal are fine.

    Our service may be tax-deductible as preventive
    medical care.  See your accountant to discuss this
    possibility.

    Out of area travel is subject to prior negotiation but is
    not out of the question.





























    We know you would have it no other way,
    normally.

    Count on us to be aware of these situations
    when you aren’t.

    It is our job.  

    It is what you are paying us for after all.
©  Copyright Elfinspell 2001




    Best of all, the answers to any of these questions now
will be

    no, no,....NO!


    All without you having to obtain any
    education, impulse control, or forethought,
    {which we know is impossible for you to
    acquire
    with your hectic schedule.}


    Now! you will have all these qualities externally,
    and without any effort, by your side at all times.  


    Now! with your very own PPB, you will remain
    happy and euphoric
    and
    homeward-not-heaven-bound.


    Black Box q
    Black Box Warning:

    Because of the Hippocratic Oath and our
    ethical responsibility for your continued
    health and need of future services, your
    PPB will only terminate the evening of
    fun and games if life-threatening symp-
    toms should arise.  

    Blood in any secretions, open wounds,
    lethal weapons aimed at or by you, and
    urges to fling yourself off of suspension
    bridges will be handled as the acute
    emergencies that they entail.

What more could you possibly ask, desire, yearn longingly for even, or need, but this?