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From The Treasury of Wit. With Comic Engravings. London: Printed for T. Allman, 1836; pp. 200-249.
THE
TREASURY OF WIT.
WITH COMIC ENGRAVINGS.
.
Rabelais, the famous wit of France, when his master was indisposed the physicians prescribed opening remedies, was found in the court yard, boiling a large pot of water, into which he had thrown all the keys he could collect, and when asked the reason of the process, he replied, that he was obeying the directions he had received, for keys were truly the best openers in the world.
Two Irish brothers were lately executed in Cork for burglary, when the elder, having been turned off first without speaking a word, the other began to address the crowd (who listened attentively, expecting some important confession) in the following words: “Good people — you see what a lamentable spectacle my brother makes, who is now hanging before you. In a few minutes I will be turned off too; and then, faith and troth, you will see a pair of spectacles.”
Sir Thomas More for a long time having only daughters, his wife prayed earnestly that they might have a boy; at last they had a boy, who, when he got one who, when grown up, proved but simple. “Thou pray’dst so long for a boy,” said Sir Thomas to his wife, “that at last thou hast got one who will be a boy as long as he lives.”
201A physician, attending a lady several times, had received a couple of guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, as if in search of something, she asked him what he looked for. “I believe, Madam,” said he, “I have dropt a guinea.” “No, Sir,” replied the lady, “It is I that have dropt it.”
A lady railing against the vices of the present times, and asserting, that no preceding age was half so profligate, Lady T——— gravely asked her, “Pray, Madam, what do you think of Mrs. Potiphar and the two Misses Lot?”
A Jew asked a gentlemen five hundred ducats for a fine crucifix, that he had to dispose of; on which the gentleman said, “He certainly shewed more sense than his ancestors, who sold the original for thirty pieces of silver.”
A countryman, on a trial respecting the right of a fishery, at the last Lancaster assizes, was cross-examined by Sergeant Cockle, who, among other questions, asked the witness, “Dost thou love fish?” “Yea,” said the poor fellow, with a look of native simplicity, “but I donna like Cockle sauce with it.” A roar of 202 laughter followed, in which the Sergeant joined with his usual good humour
Jack Ketch, being lately summoned to the Court of Conscience for a small debt, was asked how he meant to pay it? The answer was; “Why, an please your honour, as I know the plaintiff and the family well, I’ll work it out for him in my own line!”
A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his physician he suffered the pains of the damned. The doctor coolly answered, “What, already?”
A merry but poor man being laughed at for wearing a short cloak, said, “It will be long enough before I have done with it.”
On its being told to Philip of Macedon, that a place was impregnable; he asked if it was not possible for an ass to enter it laden with gold?
A gentleman in France having lost his lady, made his servant sit in form, mourning, as a mute, to receive the compliments of condolence on the occasion; when, through the disguise, it appeared to be the coachman; the 203 ceremony was soon broke through, and a conversation took place about the prices of hay and corn.
A sailor who had served on board the Romney with Sir Home Popham, after returning home from India, finding that wigs were all in fashion, bespoke a red one, which he sported at Portsmouth, to the great surprise of his companions. On being asked the cause of the change of colour in his hair, he said it was occasioned by his bathing in the Red Sea.
A gentleman, the first time of his coming to Bath, was extravagantly charged for every thing by the persons in whose house he lodged, as well as by others whom he had occasion to deal with; of which, some time after, complaining to Beau Nash, “Sir,” replied the latter, “they have acted to you on true Christian principles.” “How so,” replied the man. “Why you was a stranger, and they took you in.”
It was said of the great Barry, that he had a voice which might lure a bird from a tree, and at the same time, an address and manner the most prepossessing and conciliating. Of the justice of the latter remark, the subsequent anecdote is a testimony. The Dublin theatre, of which Mr. Barry was then proprietor, failed, and he was considerably indebted to his actors, 204 musicians, &c. Among others, the master carpenter called at Barry’s house, and was very clamorous in demanding his money. Barry, who was ill at the time, came to the head of the stairs, and asked what was the matter? “Matter enough,” replied the carpenter; “I want my money, and can’t get it.” “Don’t be in a passion,” said Barry; “do me the favour to walk up stairs, if you please, and we will speak upon the business.” “Not I, by J——, Mr. Barry!” cried the carpenter, “you owe me a hundred pounds already, and if I come up you will owe me two before I leave you.”
In speaking of Delamare forest, which was going to be enclosed, a country paper made the following remark: — “This waste will be a great saving to the country.”
A medical gentleman, who amuses himself with classifying diseases and sudden deaths, places all the casualties of the ladies and gentlemen of the whip under the head of Galloping Consumption.
The old Lord Stamford, taking a bottle with the parson of the parish, was commending his own wine. “Here, doctor,” said he, “I can send a couple of ho—ho—ho—hounds to Fra—Fra—France (for his lordship had a great impediment in his speech), and have a ho—ho—hogshead 205 of wine for ’em. What do you say to that, doctor?” “Why, my lord,” replies the doctor, “I think your lordship has your wine dog-cheap.”
Foote being told a certain noblemen, high in office, had married his kept mistress; “That, man,” said he, “is always robbing the public.”
A physician being somewhat reflected upon in the course of his practice, said, he defied any of his patients to find fault with him. “I believe you,” said a gentleman present, “for they are all dead.”
In a brilliant assembly held at the Countess of C——’s, a titled dowager asked Miss L——, if she did not feel commiseration for so many young men of fashion who were daily dying for her? “Do not be alarmed, lady marchioness,” replied the besieged belle, “for the fate of our modern beaux, as they take special care not to be easily wounded.”
When a soldier some time ago fell into the Thames, he was asked what regiment he belonged to? He answered, “the Life Guards.” “Nay, my lad,” says a bystander, “I think you must be mis-take-in, for you certainly belong to the Coldstream.”
206Don John of Austria, natural son of the Emperor Charles V., being asked by his father, whether he was more obliged to him or his mother for his birth; he replied, “to his mother, who chose out for him such a father.”
There is a picture in a church at Seville, in Spain, the subject, a man in bed attended by four physicians at the bed-side. It is a votive tablet, with this inscription in Spanish, literally translated; “A miracle brought about by our Lady of the Penha de Fransa, on the body of N——, who, though in agonies, escaped the clutches of four doctors that assisted him.”
In the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, it may be remembered that the king’s coach was attacked as his Majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gigantic Hibernian, on that occasion, was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob. Soon after, to his no small surprise, he received a message from Mr. Dundas, to attend at his office. He went, and met with a gracious reception from the great man, who, after prefacing a few encomiums on his active loyalty, desired him to point out any way in which he would wish to be advanced, his Majesty having particularly noticed his courageous conduct, and being desirous to reward it. Pat scratched and scraped for a while, half thunderstruck; “The devil take me if I know 207 what I’m fit for.” “Nay, my good fellow,” cried Harry, “think a moment, dinna throw yoursel out o’ the way o’ fortun.” Pat hesitated a moment, smirking as if some odd idea had strayed into his noodle. “Ill tell you what, mister, make a Scotchman of me, and by St. Patrick, ther’ll be no fear of my getting on.” The minster gazed awhile at the malapropos wit; “Make a Scotchman of you, Sir, that ’s impossible, for I can’t give you prudence.”
A Scotch merchant, in the Island of Jamaica, had among his slaves one whom he very much disliked, and treated with great severity; mutual dislike soon grew on the part of Quashy, not only to his master, but to all Scotchmen. Sunday being his holiday, he bought at the water-side some fry (a small fish like shrimps), and called past his master’s door, “Fine Scotchmen, all alive! Scotchmen! buy my Scotchmen!” His master in a rage calls him, “What have you there?” “Scotchmen, massa.” “Let me look. Why, you rascal, these are shrimps; how dare you call them Scotchmen?” “Oh, massa, looka here, dem stick together like Scotchmen; come one, come twenty, every time.” His master did not forget the first opportunity to scratch Quashy’s back. After some time, the master was laid on his death-bed. Touched with remorse at the reflection of the severity he had treated this poor creature with, he sent for him to the bed-side. “Well, Quashy, I am going to die.” “Oh, massa, no kickeraboo, yet.” “Yes, I must; I now feel I have been too harsh with you.” 208 “Oh, massa, you flog me like a devil!” “To make you amends, I’ll leave you your freedom.” “Bless your heart, massa.” “Any thing else can you ask of me?” “Yes, massa, one little favour; when Quashy dead, let him bury close alongside of you.” “Affectionate creature! but why so?” “Because when the devil come, he will be so busy about you, he forget Quashy.”
At the Theatre Royal, on Monday next, will be presented the Tempest; in which, by particular desire, the part of Caliban will be performed for her own benefit by Miss Biddy Suckling, an infant not yet quite four years of age, and who appeared in the same character almost two years ago with such universal applause at the theatre, Dublin. N.B. — The infant Caliban will introduce (for that night only) a song in character, written and composed, and to be sung and accompanied by herself. To which will be added, Love-a-la mode; the part of Sir Archy M’Sarcasm by the child.
N.B. The parts of Coriolanus, King Henry the Eighth, and Shylock, have been some time in rehearsal by Miss Biddy, and will be performed by her as soon as the daily bulletin shall declare her sufficiently recovered from her hooping cough; a disorder which the pubic must have perceived is rather friendly than otherwise to her performance of Caliban, in which she will therefore continue to appear during the remainder of the season. The pit will, as usual, be laid into boxes on every night of Miss Biddy’s appearance as Caliban.
The manager farther respectfully acquaints the public, that in consequence of the numerous 209 and calamitous accidents which have arisen from the unexampled pressure of the crowd on the child’s nights, skilful surgeons will henceforth be regularly stationed in all parts of the house. Vivant Rex et Regina.
His Majesty, who was always an enemy to superfluity, clearly evinced this disposition in the following instance. A shoemaker being recommended to this monarch before he left Warsaw, actually made his appearance in a suit of velvet. The king, till he was better informed, mistook the son of Crispin for one of the grandees of the kingdom, but discovering his error, dismissed him with this reproof, “That if his shoemaker wore velvet, it would require some consideration on his part, to think of some external distinction between them.”
During the retreat of the British, last war in Holland, a soldier who had left a leg was behind with another who had lost both eyes. As they were assisting each other in their misfortune, a cry was made that the enemy was coming up. “Thank God!” said the latter, “I shan’t see them.” “And I ll be d—ned,” sad his comrade, “if I run away from them.”
Queen Elizabeth, as she was riding on horseback to St. Paul’s church, London, on her anniversary (St. Elizabeth’s day), was met by a 210 beggar, who asked her alms. The queen remarking to her chamberlain, that the man followed her wherever she went, quoted this line out of Ovid:
Pauper ubique jacet.
Which may be thus translated: —
“In any place, in any bed,
The poor man rests his weary head.”
On which the pauper instantly replied,
In thalamis Regina tuis, hac nocte jacerem
Si foret hoc verum, Pauper ubique jacet.
“Ah, beauteous Queen, if that were true,
This very night I’d rest with you.”
An old farmer, on paying his rent, told his landlord he wanted some timber to build a house, and would be much obliged to him if he would give him permission to cut down what would answer the purpose? The landlord answered peremptorily, “No.” “Why, then, Sir,” said he, “Will you give me enough to build a barn?” “No.” “To make a gate then?” “Yes.” “That’s all I wanted,” said the farmer, “and more than I expected.”
The bellman’s cry at Ripon, Yorkshire, in a severe storm, i. e. a great frost and fall of snow. “I is to gie notidge, that Joanie Pickergill yeats yewn to neit, to moarn at moarn, an to moarn at neit, na neay langer, as long as stourm hods, couse he can git na mare eldin.”
211The Translation.
“I am to give notice, that Johnny Pickergill heats the oven to night, to-morrow morning, and to-morrow at night, and no longer, as long as the storm lasts, because he can get no more fuel.”
Count Orgaz says, that a man who cannot make two verses must be a fool, but he who makes four must be an idiot.
A gentleman, indisposed and confined to his bed, sent his servant to see what hour it was by a sun-dial, which was fastened to a post in his garden; the servant was an Irishman, and being at a loss how to find it, thought he was to pluck up the post, which he accordingly did, and carried it to his master, with the sun dial, saying, “Arrah, now, look at it yourself; it is indeed all a mystery to me.”
When Foote went first to Scotland, he was inquiring of an old Highlander, who had formerly been prompter to the Edinburgh theatre, about the state of the country, with respect to travelling, living, manners, &c., of all which the Scot gave him very favourable accounts. “Why, then,” said Foote, “with about £300 a-year one may live like a gentleman in your country.” “In troth, Master Foote,” replied his informant, I cannot tell that, for, as I never knew a man there who spent half that 212 sum; I don’t know what may come into his head who would attempt to squander the whole.”
A Frenchman, on landing at Dover, went into a barber’s shop to be shaved. The poor man’s cheeks were so much collapsed, that the barber was under the necessity of thrusting his fingers into his customer’s mouth to assist the operation. “O mon Dieu, mon Dieu!” exclaimed the Frenchman, whilst the barber was dashing away, “me be damnably cut.” “Confound your thin lantern jaws,” relied Strop, “I have cut my fingers cursedly through your cheeks.”
CUTTING MISTAKE. Page 212.
Mr. ——— fell in love with a remarkably thin woman. On his being asked by his friend the reason of his choice, he made answer, “It was to ease the fatigue of courtship, as the avenue to her heart must be so much nearer than that of one more plump.”
When Amurath took the city of Bagdad, he gave orders for putting thirty thousand Persians to death, though they had laid down their arms; among them was a musician, who begged to speak to the emperor, and give him a specimen of his art, which was allowed him. He sung the taking of Bagdad and the triumph of Amurath. The pathetic tones, and boldness of his strains, rendered the prince unable to restrain the softer emotions of his soul: overpowered with harmony, 213 he melted into tears of pity, and relented of his cruel intention; he not only directed that the people should be spared, but also that they should have instant liberty. Amurath retained the musician at his court, and ordered him considerable appointments.
Notwithstanding Lord Rochester was the most debauched and impudent nobleman of his time, and though he had even exhibited as a mountebank on Tower Hill, yet he had not confidence enough to speak in the house of peers. One day, making an attempt, he gave a true picture of this defect. “My lords,” said he, “I rise this time — My lords, I mean to divide this discourse into four branches — My lords, if ever I attempt to branch in this house again, I’ll give you leave to cut me off root and branch for ever.”
“Pray, Mr. Quin,” said a lady, “did you ever make love?” “No, my lady,” replied Sir John Brute, “I always buy it ready made.”
The French unite every extreme of conduct; they have virtues and vices, strengths and weaknesses, seemingly incompatible. They are effeminate, yet brave; insincere, yet honourable; hospitable, not benevolent; vain, yet subtle, splendid, not generous; mercantile, yet not mean; in trifles serious, in danger gay; women at the toilet, heroes in the field; profligate 214 in heart, yet decent in their conduct; divided in opinion, but united in action; weak in manners, but strong in principle; contemptible in private life, and formidable in public.
A lady asked an old uncle, who had been an attorney, but left off business, what were the requisites for going to law? To which he replied, “Why, niece, it depends upon a number of circumstances. In the first place, you must have a good cause. Secondly, a good attorney. Thirdly, a good counsel. Fourthly, good evidence. Fifthly, a good jury. Sixthly, a good judge. And lastly, good luck.”
Mr. Henry Erskine being one day in London, in company with the Duchess of Gordon, asked her, “Are we never again to enjoy the honour and pleasure of your grace’s society at Edinburgh?” “Oh,” said she, “Edinburgh is a vile, dull place, I hate it.” “Madam,” replied the gallant barrister, “the sun might as well say, there’s a vile dark morning, I won’t rise to-day.”
Anne, widow of the Earls of Dorset and Pembroke, among other noble reversions, enjoyed the borough of Appleby. Sir J—— W——, secretary to Charles II., wrote to her to name a candidate for that borough. The brave countess, with all the spirit of her ancestry, returned the following answer: “I have 215 been bullied by an usurper (Oliver Cromwell), I have been neglected by a court (Charles II.), but I will not be dictated to by a subject — your man shall not stand.”
The great Lord Strafford’s contempt of the populace was very spirited. The lieutenant of the Tower desired him to get into a coach, that he might not be torn to pieces by the rabble. “I die,” said he, “to please the people, and I will die their own way.”
An emperor of China, making a progress, discovered a family, in which the master, with his wives, children, grandchildren, daughters-in-law, and servants, all lived in perfect peace and harmony. The emperor, admiring this, inquired of the old man what means he employed to preserve quiet among such a number of persons. The man, taking out a pencil, wrote only these words: — patience, patience, patience.
George I. asked Dr. Savage at the levee, why he did not convert the Pope when he was at Rome? “Because, Sire,” said he, “I had nothing better to offer him.”
A young author was reading a tragedy to Monsieur Piron, who soon discovered that he was a great plagiarist. The poet, perceiving 216 Piron very often pulled off his hat at the end of line, asked him the reason. “I cannot pass a very old acquaintance,” replied the critic, “without that civility.”
An Englishman and a Scotchman, coming in both together to an inn on the road, found nothing to be had but a piece of mutton and a chicken; so one would have the chicken, and another would have it, and began to quarrel. The landlady desired they would eat together; but Sawney, whose head was building castles in the air, said it should be preserved till morning, and that he that dreamed the best dream should eat it for his breakfast. So, eating the mutton for their supper, they went to bed. The Scotchman could not sleep one wink for thinking what he should dream. The Englishman observing where the chicken was, arose in the night and ate it. The next morning, when both were up, the Scotchman said, very hastily, that he dreamed the bravest dream in the world, “That he saw the heavens open, and that a choir of angels carried him up to St. Andrew in heaven.” “And,” said the Englishman, “I dreamed that I saw you carried up to heaven, so I arose and ate the chicken; for I knew you had no occasion for fowls there.”
A certain linguist, the very quack of language masters, and who pretended to be a perfect Pantaglose, acquainted with all the dead and living languages, and boasting of omniscience 217 in a mixed company; an arch wag addressing the persons present, said, “What a pity that gentleman was not born a few centuries back, he could have stood interpreter to the builders of the Tower of Babel, and the stupendous work might have been completed.”
A person who was present at a conversation in which a very dull play was talked of, and its ill success in acting, attempted a defence of it by saying, “It was not hissed.” “True,” says another, “I grant you that; but no one can hiss and gape at the same time.”
The following curious advertisement appeared lately in a provincial paper: — “To be sold by private contract, a beautiful monkey, a parrot, two spaniels, and a tortoise-shell tom cat; the property of a lady, just married, who has no further occasion for them.”
A countryman, being a witness in a court of justice, was asked by the counsel if he was born in wedlock. — “No, Sir,” answered the man, “I was born in Devonshire.”
A lord mayor of York asked a tradesman at his table for a toast: the honest man did not understand what he meant; on its being explained to him, he gave his own wife. By and 218 by, when he grew merry, the lord mayor asked him, in his turn, for a demi-rep; “Faith,” says the tradesmen, “I will give you my own wife again.”
Two gentlemen, who had been schoolfellows, meeting after a lapse of years, inquiry arose after another companion of their boyish days, to which it was replied, that from the pulpit he had taken to the bar! Upon explanation, it came out that his business was that of an auctioneer; and that he had recently married an innkeeper’s daughter!
Colonel —— shot himself, and left a paper on the table expressing that he was grown weary of life, and tired of buttoning and unbuttoning, adding this verse:
“The very best remedy after all,
Is a good resolution and a ball.”
A gentleman, just married, telling Foote he had that morning laid out £3,000 in jewels for his dear wife. “Faith, Sir,” says Foote, I see you are no hypocrite, for she is truly your dear wife.”
A poor stroller who wanted to make a good benefit, understanding that several marriages 219 had recently taken place, made out the following bill of fare in his play bill: “By way of prelude will be performed (compressed into once act), Three Weeks after Marriage; after which, the favourite play of The Honey Moon; to which will be added, the celebrated entertainment of Matrimony.”
A frolicsome youth, who had been riding out, on approaching Merton College, which he had never before visited, alighted, and sans ceremonie, put his horse into a field thereto belonging. Word was immediately sent to him, that he had no right to put his horse there, as he did not belong himself to the college. The youth however, took no notice of his warning, and the master of that college sent his man to him, bidding him say, if he continued his horse there, he would cut off his tail. “Say you so?” said the wag; “go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse’s tail, I will cut off his ears.” The servant returning, told his master what he said. Whereupon he was sent back to bring the person to him; who appearing, the master said, “How, now, Sir, what mean you by that menace you sent me?” “Sir,” said the other, “I threatened you not, for I only said, if you cut off my horse’s tail, I would cut off his ears.”
A true and original receipt for composing a modern love letter. — Take five hundred protestations, half as many vows, three thousand lies, fifty pounds weight of deceit, an equal quantity 220 of nonsense, and treble the whole of flattery: mix all these ingredients up together, and add thereto half a scruple of sincerity, sweetening it often with the words — angel, goddess, charmer, honey, and the like. When it is sweetened to your taste, take as much of it at a time as you think proper; fold it up in gilt paper; seal it with the impression of a flaming heart full of wounds; let it be carefully delivered, and it is irresistible.
A literary gentleman, lately deceased, ordered the following short, but emphatic epitaph, to be engraved on his tomb-stone: — “FINIS.”
Foote rattling one evening in his green-room, with great wit and brilliancy, as he usually did, the Duke of C———, who was present, and seemed highly entertained, cried out, “Well, Foote, you see I swallow all the good things.” “Do you, my lord duke,” says the other, “then I congratulate you on your digestion, for I believe you never threw up one of them in your life.”
A young gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous, young lady, the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out, at his return from his travels, that she was dead and had been buried; in the meantime she had so placed herself in disguise, as to be able to 221 observe how he took the news; and, finding him still the same gay, inconstant man he always had been, she appeared to him as the ghost of herself, at which he seemed not at all dismayed; at length disclosing herself to him, he then appeared pretty much surprised; a person near said, “Why, Sir, you seem more afraid now than before.” “Aye,” replied he, “most men are more afraid of a living wife than a dead one.”
The rector of ——— having company which came unexpectedly to dine with him, made as if he was glad to see them, and sent the servant out for victuals. In the meantime the rector begged they would excuse him, while the dinner was getting ready, just to step and visit a poor person who was sick of a distemper which raged in the parish, and he would quickly return; which impromptu suddenly alarmed his guests, and made them sheer off the premises with the murrain at their heels; by which stratagem the rector saved his dinner and laughed heartily in his sleeve.
A Quaker, that was a barber, being sued by the parson for tithes, Yea and Nay went to him and demanded the reason why he troubled him, as he had never any dealing with him in his whole life; “Why,” says the parson, “it is for tithes.” “For tithes!” says the Quaker, “I pr’ythee, friend, upon what account?” “Why,” says the parson, “for preaching in the church.” “Alas! then,” replied the Quaker, 222 “I have nothing to pay thee; for i come not there.” “Oh, but you might,” says the parson, “for the doors always open at convenient times;” and thereupon said he would be paid, seeing it was his due. Yea and Nay hereupon shook his head, and making several wry faces, departed, and immediately entered his action (it being a corporation town) against the parson for forty shillings. The parson, upon notice of this, came to him, and very hotly demanded why he put such disgrace upon him; and for what he owed him the money? “Truly, friend,” replied the Quaker, “for trimming.” “For trimming!” said the parson, “why, I was never trimmed by you in my life.” “Oh! but thou might’st have come and been trimmed, if thou hadst pleased, for my doors are always open at convenient times, as well as thine.”
Dr. Dealtry of York was called to attend a farmer, for a complaint in his eyes. “John,” says he, “thou must either give over drinking, or lose thy eyes.” “Nay, then,” says John, “farewell een.”
Two neighbouring gentlemen of equal fortune, and remarkable for their avarice, were distinguished in their parish by the names of Crib and Starve-Gut. Mr. Crib often visited his neighbour, and was as often visited by him, but as they had both the same end in view, they never asked each other to eat or drink; they went on together very amicably, till Crib one 223 day was present at his friend’s, when a man came to pay the interest of a thousand pounds, which raised Crib’s envy so much, that he left the room and went home; but returned in the evening to Mr. Starve-Gut, in order to learn some of his saving maxims. When Crib came in, he found him writing a letter by a farthing candle; he had no sooner sat down, but Mr. Starve-Gut put it out. “How now,” says Crib, “what’s that for?” To which Starve-Gut replied, “Cannot we two talk as well in the dark?” “Faith, neighbour,” says Crib, “you are an excellent economist; I wish you would teach me some of your rules.” “Why, friend,” says Starve-Gut, “one of my chief maxims is, never to spend more than is necessary, witness the candle!” “Right,” quoth Crib. “I remember,” says Starve-Gut, “the saying of an old philosopher, which ought to be wrote in letters of gold, namely, that whatever is unnecessary is too dear at a farthing.” “Right,” quoth Crib; “thank you, neighbour, egad I’ll set this down.” “Now we are talking of saving,” says Starve-Gut, “let me ask you one question, for you must know there is a great difference between being covetous and being saving; for my part there is nothing I hate more than a stingy man; but to my question. Pray, friend Crib, do you shave yourself?” Quoth Crib, “What! do you take me for a fool?” “Well,” says Starve-Gut, “do not be in a passion, I did but ask. But what do you do with the lather?” “Why fling it away,” says Crib, “what do you think?” “Why, there it is now,” says Starve-Gut, “that is enough to ruin any man; why, I always wash half-a-dozen handkerchiefs and a night-cap in mine, and then save it to wash my stockings.”
224Two country attorneys overtaking a waggoner on the road, and thinking to be witty upon him, asked why his fore horse was so fat, and the rest so lean? The waggoner knowing them, answered, “that his fore horse was a lawyer, and the rest were his clients.”
As two old fellows of a college in Cambridge were riding together to the hills, a dog ran in the way of one of their horses: upon which the gentleman, to shew that he had been a sportsman in his youth, calls out, Bellum Equus.” “Well done, old friend,” says the other, “I see you have not forgot your Dog-Latin.”
An old gentleman, having received some favourable glances from a rich and brisk widow of the name of Salmon, was advised to be more attentive. “Mind your hits,” said a friend, “she will certainly bite.” “She may so,” said the gentleman, “but my rod is not strong enough to hold her.”
Professor W——— had a most remarkable long nose. A young spark, who sat opposite to him at table, having a mind to be witty, though at the expense of good manners, said, “Mr. President, you have a drop at your 225 nose.” “Have I child,” says he; “then do you wipe it, for it is nearer to you than me.”
When Whitfield became so popular a character, it was agitated in the Privy Council, that some method should be used to stop his preaching: “Lord Chesterfield being present, turned on his heel, and said, “Make him a bishop, and you will silence him at once.”
The Count de Grancè being wounded in the knee with a musquet ball, the surgeons made many incisions. At last, losing patience, he asked them why they treated him so unmercifully. “We seek for the ball,” said they. “Why the devil did you not speak before” said the Count, “I have it in my pocket.”
A good humoured wife, abusing her husband on his mercenary disposition, told him, that if she was dead he would marry the devil’s eldest daughter, if he could get any thing by it. “That’s true,” replied the husband, “but the worst of it is, one cannot marry two sisters.”
“We have now here a new species of creature called a Duchess; some time ago a milliner’s apprentice of this town was to wait upon the Duchess, but fearful of committing some 226 error in her deportment, she went to consult a friend as to the manner in which she should address this great personage; who told her that when she came before the Duchess she must say her Grace, and so forth. Accordingly away went the girl, and being introduced, after a very low courtesy, she said, “For what I am going to receive, the Lord make me truly thankful.” To which the Duchess answered, “Amen.”
Garrick told Cibber, that his pieces were the best ventilators to his theatre at Drury Land; for as soon as any of them were played, the audience directly left the house.
Not long since a gentleman near Birmingham, having occasion to see a friend, called at his house, and was told he was gone out; to save the trouble of calling again, he expressed a wish to see the mistress, but she also was gone out. That no time might be lost, he requested to see the young master, but he likewise was out. Wishing, however, not to go without accomplishing his business, on saying he would then walk in, and sit by the fire till one of them returned, he was told by Pat, “Indeed, Sir, and you can’t, for that too is gone out.”
Swift happening to be in company with a young coxcomb, who prided himself in saying pert things to the Dean, and at last getting up, 227 with some conceited gesticulation, and with a confident air, said, “I would have you to know Mr. Dean, I set up for a wit.” “Do you, indeed,” said the Dean, “then take my advice, and sit down again.”
It is customary for the clergy in most counties to have annual visitations, in order to settle the affairs of the church. There belonged to a society of this sort, in Dorsetshire, a clergyman of good nature and good fortune; one who was a good christian, a good poet, and a good divine, capable of making excellent sermons, but preached them badly. At one of these meetings, after the gentlemen had dined, and the servants were sat down together, this clergyman’s man, who was a stranger, asked another “what so many parsons together for?” “Why,” answered he, “to swap sermons.” “Aye,” quoth the former, “then my master is always most damnably cheated, for he never gets a good one.”
A regiment of horse, in King William’s time, being quartered in Canterbury, and the archbishop being then there, he invited all the officers of the regiment to dinner. One of the cornets being obliged to keep guard that day, and lamenting his misfortune that he could not have the honour to dine with the archbishop, bethought himself of this stratagem. He knew that one of his brother cornets was gone out of town, and would not return till evening; he determined therefore, to wait for him at his lodgings, and 228 frighten him by a false message from the archbishop. Accordingly, when his comrade arrived, he addressed him thus: “Tom, I believe I shall surprise you.” “Why,” say Tom, “what the devil’s the matter?” “No great matter,” says his comrade, “only the archbishop has sent for all the officers to hear them their catechism.” “The devil he has,” quoth Tom, “then I am ruined horse and foot, for as I am a sinner I can’t say three lines.” “Never be troubled about that,” says his comrade, “I can say mine every word, and if you will mount guard for me to-morrow, I will go in your place.” “With all my heart,” says Tom, “and thank you to boot.” So the next day they all, except Tom, dined with the archbishop. His lordship being a very polite man, told the colonel, that he hoped all his officers were there; for he intended it as a general invitation. The colonel told him they were all there except one gentleman, who was obliged to mount guard. The archbishop took no notice of it then, but the next day sent his servant to the absent gentleman, to desire his company by himself. Tom had no sooner received the message, than he ran frightened out of his senses to his comrade to make his complaint. “Ah, my friend,” says Tom, “it’s all in vain, I must go at last; the archbishop has sent for me.” “Never mind it,” says his comrade, “you will do very well; he did not ask us above one question or two.” Tom being thus prepared went to the archbishop’s, where he was introduced into a parlour. At length his lordship came in. “Sir,” says the archbishop, “I am sorry I could not have the pleasure of your company yesterday; may I crave your name?” “Thomas, my lord,” replied the cornet. “What countryman?” says the archbishop. “My 229 godfathers and godmothers,” replied the cornet. “I do not mean to catechise you,” says the archbishop; and thus the cheat was discovered.
Shenstone, the poet, divides the readers of a newspaper into the following different classes: — the ill-natured man looks to the list of bankrupts; the tradesman to the price of bread; the stockjobber to the lie of the day; the old maid to marriages; the prodigal son to deaths; the monopolist to the hopes of a wet harvest; and the boarding school misses to every thing that relates to Gretna Green!
A Quaker, a few days since, having been cited as an evidence at a Quarter Sessions, one of the magistrates, who had been a blacksmith, desired to know why he did not take off his hat? “It is a privilege,” said the witness, “that the laws and liberality of my country indulge people of our religious mode of thinking in.” “If I had it in my power,” said the angry justice, “I would have your hat nailed to your head.” “I thought,” said Obadiah, “that thou hadst given over the trade of driving nails.”
In a provincial paper was lately announced, the marriages of Mr. Crow to Miss Rooke. This union proves the truth of the old adage, that birds of a feather flock together.
230Quin, remarking that there were thirty and one good cuts in a shoulder of veal, was asked which they were? “Sir,” answered the epicure, “if you were my own father I would not inform you even of the odd one.”
A man of the name of Mark Noble, passing by the garrison at Hull, the centinel, as usual, called out, “Who comes there?” “Twenty shillings,” answered Mark. “That cannot be,” said the centinel. “Why, a mark and a noble make twenty shillings,” says Mark.
A country farmer who had more honesty than wit, sold a milch cow to a swindler, who gave him a promissory note for the purchase money, payable at St. Yetemos day, a cant phrase in Holland answering to our latter Lammas; or as the schoolboys say, Christmas never comes. Some time after, a friend of the farmer’s, who possessed a little more shrewdness, upon seeing the note, explained to him how he was overreached; but desired him to be of good heart, bring an action for the debt, and entrust the management of the business to a celebrated lawyer, Mr. Ploos Van Amstel, who was hardly ever known to lose any cause, however intricate. This advice was followed; proper steps were taken; and the affair brought into court. Mr. Van Amstel enforced his client’s claim with his usual eloquence in vain — the 231 day of payment was indefinite — there was no such saint in the calendar. “Nay, then,” replied the lawyer, “justice will surely prompt the court to order the payment on All Saint’s day, when St. Yetemos will surely be included with the rest.” The Amsterdam schepens, or judges, were, by some fatality, on that day equally deaf to Van Amstel’s arguments, and to his pleasantry. He lost his claims. This was doubly mortifying to him. He had seldom failed, even on more disputable grounds, and the justice of the farmer’s claims he thought unquestionable. He resolved to have a cut at the judges, for the absurdity of their decision. He therefore met them as they were descending a staircase that led out of court; and with a lantern in his hand, like another Diogenes, in open day, seemed earnestly looking for something on the stairs. Being asked by one of the schepens what he was looking for? “For your senses,” replied he, “as I am sure you must have lost them in your way to court, or you could never have passed to absurd a sentence.” A Dutch judge cannot relish a jest, particularly when so satirically pointed against himself. The sarcastic lawyer was therefore condemned to two years’ silence for this stroke of wit.
Mr. and Mrs. —— coming over in the packet from Dublin to England, a storm arose, when every one expected the vessel would be lost. Mr. —— lamented with his wife the dreadful situation they were in, and begged of her to answer him one question. She bid him name it. “Tell me, my dear,” says he, “perhaps 232 we have not long to live, have you been always true to my bed?” “Sink or swim,” replied she, “that is the only secret that shall go to the grave with me.”
“How shameful it is that you should fall asleep,” said a dull preacher to his drowsy audience, “while that poor creature,” pointing to an idiot, who stood staring at him, “is both awake and attentive.” “Perhaps, Sir,” replied the fool, “I should have been asleep too, if I had not been an idiot.”
A lady having left her reticule behind her in a milliner’s shop, one of the fribbles immediately ran after her, and presenting it to her very politely, said, “Madam, I have the honour of returning to you your snot bag.”
A gentleman in Lancashire, who was possessed of more wealth than learning, sent his son to an academy in Manchester, where he was boarded three years; at the expiration of which period he returned home, to the great delight of his family, who were proud to receive, as they supposed, a scholar amongst them, which would render them of as much consequence as their neighbours, some of whom were in the commission of his majesty’s peace, &c. When the young gentleman arrived, his father was in the court yard, and in the act of killing a hedgehog with a pitchfork. After the 233 usual congratulations, and dinner being over, he was desired to give a specimen of his learning, when he retired and produced the following: —
“My father kill’d a great hedgehog,
And flay’d it when he’d done:
And was not that a gallant deed,
And am not I his son?”
The father exclaimed, in an ecstacy of admiration, “Jackee shall be no justice, but a parliament man.”
Col. T. resigned his commission, on his regiment being ordered for Gibraltar. It happened that an officer reading the news in a coffee-house, just as T. entered the room, exclaimed aloud, “What a rascal must that T. be.” Upon which the colonel accosted him, and said his name was T., and, in the usual style of a challenge, that he might name the place and weapons. “Then at Gibraltar, by G—d,” answered the officer, “and as soon as ever you will.”
A gentleman was reproached for voting at an election against his conscience; “The charge is false,” said he, “for I never had a conscience.”
While the Eddystone light-house was erecting, a French privateer took the men upon the rock, together with their tools, and carried them to France; and the captain was in expectation 234 of a reward for the achievement. While the captives lay in prison, the transaction reached the ears of Louis XIV.: he immediately ordered them be released, and the captors put in their places; declaring, that “though he was at war with England, he was not so with mankind.” He directed the men to be sent back to their work with presents; observing, “that the Eddystone light-house was so situated, as to be of equal service to all nations having occasion to navigate the channel between England and France.”
Elizabeth Dryden complained to Dryden her husband, that he was always reading and took little notice of her, and finished with saying she wished that she was a book, and then she should enjoy his company. “Yes, my dear,” says Dryden, “I wish you was a book, but an almanac I mean, for then I should change you every year.”
C. Townsend said in the House of Commons, that the lawyers were word-mongers, for they sold their words, and what was worse, made other people swallow them; and, he added, they were greater monopolists that way than fish-mongers, and more impudent than w——mongers.
The Marquis de A—— says, that at funerals in Roman Catholic countries, the by-standers 235 sprinkle the corpse with holy water, but in England they moisten their own living bodies with good ale and cakes. Folly for folly — he says the English are in the right of it.
A young officer, not over fond of fighting, waited on the commander on the eve of a battle, to request leave of absence to visit his father and mother, both of whom were extremely ill. “Yes,” said the general, “honour your father and mother, that your days may be long.”
Sir Robert Stapleton took Archbishop Sandys to see a very sumptuous house which he was building in Yorkshire, and asked him after he had seen it, whether he would have him call it Stapleton’s Stay. “Rather give me leave to say, Stay Stapleton!” replied the archbishop, “for the building of this house will be the ruin of you.”
The captain of a West Indiamen wished to buy a horse. After the purchase was made, the captain said, “Well, now the horse is mine, pray tell me candidly, whether he has any faults, and what they are.” “What do you mean to do with him?” said the other. “Why, to take him to sea,” answered the captain. “Then I will be candid,” replied the dealer; “he may go very well at sea; but on land he cannot go at all, or I would not have sold him.”
236The two D—gleys, brothers, in London, were popular characters; the one was projector of the Magadalen society, the other struck out the new road to Islington, which afforded the following epigram: —
“Two brothers, both candidates for fame,
Different paths pursue;
One stops up old roads to get a name,
The other opens new.”
A young divine, on his examination before the Archbishop of York, for holy orders, was asked by his grace who was the mediator between God and man? To which he immediately answered, “The Archbishop of Canterbury.”
A late Duke of Norfolk was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night he asked Foote what new character he should go in. “Go, sober!” said Foote.
Pytheas, the daughter of Aristotle, being asked which was the most beautiful colour, answered, that of Modesty.
A gentleman asking Dr. Johnson, why he hated the Scotch, was answered, “I don’t hate 237 them, Sir, neither do I hate frogs, but I don’t like to have them hopping about my chamber.
A gentleman had a mistress. His wife, far more beautiful, one day laid hands on a piece of rich silk he intended for his madam, and made a gown of it. She asked her spouse how he liked it; he said it was elegant, but misused. She replied, “All the world says the same of myself.”
Two gentlemen, remarkable for a nice appetite, were disputing at a coffee-house, upon the best mode of cooking beef-steak, and were enumerating the different processes for bringing it to the table in the highest perfection. Mr. Wewitzer, of the Lyceum theatre, or, more properly speaking, of the Drury Lane company, who was present, observed, that of all the methods of cooking a beef-steak, he thought Shakspeare’s recipe to be the shortest and the best. Upon being asked for an explanation, “Why, gentlemen,” said Wewitzer, “it is this: —
“If when ’t were done, ’t were well done, then
t’ were well
It were done quickly ——”
A sailor being strongly solicited by a catholic priest to change his religion, the honest tar boldly resisted. The holy father, finding that 238 he could not prevail, altered his mode of attack, and offered him money as a reward of his apostacy; the bribe rather staggered Jack’s faith, and he desired time to consider of it till next morning. In the interim he applied to a brother tar for advice, which was given him in the following style of blunt honesty: “Don’t listen to him, messmate, for if your religion was not better than his own, and all the money he will give you into the bargain, he’d be d—’d before he would ask you to change.”
Mr. —— was continually plaguing his father-in-law with complaints of his wife’s misbehaviour. “Be easy,” replied the old gentleman, who was very rich, “since she behaves so ill, I will alter my will, and cut her off with a shilling.” He heard no more of his daughter’s failings.
A negro servant being asked what colour he believed the devil was, “Why,” replied the African, “the white men paint him black, we say he is white; but, from his great age, and being called Old Nick, I should suppose him grey.”
The late Duchess of Queensberry was accustomed to say, upon any high compliment paid her, “Why, now that is very well, but it is nothing to the Carter.” Of course the complimenter became anxious to know how the Carter 239 had risen above him in the agreeable; when her grace replied, “I once in Piccadilly noticed a man who was driving a waggon, puffing away at a short pipe, which had gone out; the fellow observing me notice him, called aloud, ‘Madam, madam, let me light my pipe at your eye.’ O no, sir, you are nobody to the Carter.”
When the celebrated duelist, G. R. Fitzgerald, was in Paris, the English ambassador introduced him to the French king; prior to which introduction, the ambassador informed his majesty, Mr. Fitzgerald was a gentleman of such amazing prowess, that he fought thirty duels and behaved equally brave and honourable in them all. “Then, I think,” says the king, with a smile, “this gentleman’s life would make an admirable appendix to your renowned countryman’s history of Jack the Giant Killer.”
Close to the bridge at Darlington, over the door of a barber’s shop, is the following distich which at once shews the utility and the poetry of the honest shaver: —
“Stumps and teeth drawn in a trice,
Threepence a-piece, and that’s the price.”
When Churchill’s Prophecy of Famine made its appearance, which is undoubtedly his finest poem, the sale was rather dull. Meeting his publisher in the pit of one of the theatres, Churchill asked if he heard how it sold? 240 Mr. K. informed him the sale was extensive since the reviewers d—ned it. “Aye,” says the poet, “that is fulfilling the Scripture, ‘out of the mouths of babes and sucklings I have ordained strength.’ ”
The facetious Duke of W——, in a speech in the House of Lords, happened to introduce a Scripture story; a reverend bishop, who sat at his elbow, pulled him by the sleeve, and said, “When will your grace be done preaching?” To which the duke replied, “When I am made a bishop, my lord!”
A boy who had not returned after the holidays to Winchester school, which the master charged him to do, returned at last loaded with a fine ham, as a bribe to master, who took the ham, but flogged the lad, and told him, that he might give his compliments to his mother for the ham, but assured him it should not save his bacon.
Dr. Pearce, the Dean of Ely, when he was master of the Temple, having to preach there one morning, preferred a walk in the gardens to sitting in the church while the prayers were reading, and going to the gardener’s lodge, demanded entrance. An old woman, who was keeping the house in the gardener’s absence, told him the gates were always locked in church time, and she could not let him in. “Woman, 241 do you know who I am?” said the doctor, bridling. “No,” said she with great indifference, “I don’t know, and what’s more, I don’t care.” “Woman,” retorted the doctor, in a rage, “open the gates instantly — I am master of the Temple.” “The more shame for you,” replied the inflexible portress, “the more shame for you to be walking here, when you ought to be praying in church.”
This author had the merit of interrupting the servile etiquette of kneeling to the king. “I myself,” says the water poet, “gave a book to King James once, in the great chamber at Whitehall, as his majesty once came from the chapel. The Duke of Richmond said merrily to me, ‘Taylor, where did you learn the manners to give the king a book and not kneel?’ ‘My lord,’ said I, ‘if it please your grace, I do give now; but when I beg any thing, then I will kneel.’ ”
A late plumian professor of astronomy was once addressed in company as the plumbian professor. This most probably nettled him. A gentleman sitting by, archly observed, “See! how that little b stings the professor.”
Bishop Hare complained to Lord Carteret of the hard words that he had given the bishops, in a speech in the House of Lords, and reminded him that he might be one day minister himself, 242 which was the case, and might want the bishops’ votes. Lord C. with a sneer, replied, “If I want you, I know how to have you.”
A lady invited Dean Swift to dinner, and as she had heard he was not easily pleased, she had taken a month to provide for it; when the time came, every delicacy which could be procured the lady had prepared even to profusion. The dean was scarce seated before the lady began a ceremonious harangue, in short, that she was sincerely sorry that she had not a more tolerable dinner, since she was apprehensive there was not anything fit for him to eat. “Pox take you,” says the dean, “why did you not provide a better? Sure you had time enough; but since you say it is so bad, I’’ll e’en go home and eat a herring.” Accordingly he departed, and left her justly confused at her folly.
An Irishman telling what he called an excellent story, a gentleman observed, he had met with it in a book published many years ago. “Confound these ancients,” said Teague, “they are always stealing one’s good thoughts.”
That sort is best which is most reasonable and catching. An instance we have in that old commander at Cadiz, who showed a good orator. Being to say something to his soldiers (which he was not used to do), he made them a speech 243 to this purpose: “What a shame would it be, you Englishmen, that feed upon good beef and beer, to let these rascally Spaniards beat you, that eat nothing but oranges and lemons!” And thus he put more courage into his men than he could have done by a learned oration.
A witty divine received an invitation to dinner, written on the ten of hearts, by young lady of great beauty, merit, and fortune. This the gentleman thought a good opportunity to give the lady a distant hint of his hopes: he wrote, therefore, the following lines on the same card, and returned it by her own servant: —
“Your compliments, lady, I pray now forbear,
For old English service is much more sincere;
You’ve sent me ten hearts, but the tythe’s only
mine,
So give me one heart, and take back t’other
nine.”
A hair-dresser, in a considerable town, lately made an unsuccessful attempt in tragedy. To silence an abundant hissing, he stepped forward with the following speech: “Ladies and Gentlemen, yesterday I dressed you; to-night I address you; to-morrow, if you please, I will re-dress you. While there is virtue in powder, pomatum, and horse-tails, I find it easier to make an actor than to be one. Vive la bagatelle? I hope I shall yet shine in the capital part of a beau, though I have not the felicity of pleasing you in the character of an emperor.”
264Voltaire said of a traveller, who made too long a stay with him at Ferney. “Don Quixote took inns for castles, but Mr. —— takes castles for inns.”
Judge Gould married his daughter to Lord Cavan. A gentleman asking what fortune, was answered, “It was all in Gould, and his lordship changed it the first night.”
When Theodore, King of Corsica (as he really was for some time), by an act of insolvency was freed from his confinement in the King’s Bench prison, where he had lain long for debt, he was obliged to attend at Guildhall, to demand the benefit of the act. He was asked the usual question, what effects he had? “Nothing,” said he, “but the kingdom of Corsica.” It was accordingly registered for the benefit of his creditors.
The late Sir J. P——n was a man of strong natural abilities, but had no education; however, he made a great show with what learning he had; one day, when he was talking Latin, a gentleman asked him how he had picked up his learning? He said many people got their learning by inspiration, but he had got his by perspiration, for a school he had slept six years in bed with the schoolmaster.
245When Dr. Zimmerman was at the court of Berlin, Frederick II. asked him one day in conversation, if he could ascertain how many he had killed in the course of his practice? “That is an arduous task,” replied the doctor; “but I think I may venture to say not half so many as your majesty.”
A French nobleman showing Mat. Prior the king’s palace at Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many trophies of Louis the Fourteenth’s victories, asked Prior, if King William the Third, his master, had many such trophies in his palace? “No,” said Prior, “the monuments of my master’s victories are to be seen every where but in his own house.”
Cardinal Mazarin was wont to say there were great bull dogs in England, called Whigs and Tories, that were continually jarring and worrying each other; but let out the bull (the common enemy), they directly left off their private feuds and animosities, and attacked him.
Kneller was very covetous, very vain, and a great glutton. Old Tonson, the bookseller, got many pictures from him by playing these passions against each other. He would tell Kneller that he was the greatest master that ever 246 was, and send him every now and then a haunch of venison and a dozen of claret. “Oh!” said he once to Vandergucht, “This old Jacob loves me; he is a very good man; you see he loves me, for he sends me good things; the venison was fat!”
Kneller would say to Cock, the auctioneer, and the Christie of his age, “I love you, Mr. Cock, and I will do you good; but you must do something for me too, Mr. Cock; one hand can wash the face, but two hands wash one another.”
If you would be tickled, tickle first, seems to have been the maxim of Sir Godfrey; or, according to the Latin adage, manus manum fricat — put water in the pump.
The proprietor of an American paper states that the articles furnished by his editor are so brilliant, that the printers can see to put them in types in the dark.
A young lady of Marseilles lately brought an action against the Sieur L——— for unhandsome usage on his part. The day of judgment approached — the court was crowded — and a very fair proportion consisted of that sex justly immortalised by Milton, as “Heaven’s last best work.” The usual questions were proposed to the pretty plaintiff by the President. “Quel age avez-vous?” “Dix-neuf ans, Monsieur.” “You mistake, Mademoiselle,” interrupted her counsellor, “you are of age.” The lady, however, persisted that she was a minor; and in spite of the earnest appeals of 247 her avocat, still adhered to “dix-neuf ans.” Nothing could induce the fascinating descendant of Eve to pass the rubicon of nineteen years: and there being no proof before the court to the contrary, the complaint against the Sieur L——— was dismissed, and the “young lady” in her teens condemned to pay the costs. Registerial report has since proved that the beautiful maid had attained the discreet age of twenty-five.
This agreeable author of “The Plurality of Worlds,” lived to be nearly an hundred years old, and even at that age had a turn of wit for almost every suitable occasion. A lady, of nearly equal years, said to him one day in a large company, “Monsieur, you and I stay here so long, I have a notion death has forgotten us!” “Speak as low as you can, Madam,” replied Fontenelle, “lest you should remind him of us; the proverb says, the sleeping lion must not be roused.”
If you please to send me a scarlet cardinal, let it be full yard long, and let it be full, it is for a large woman; they tell me I may have a large one and a handsome one for eleven shillings, I should not be willing to give more than twelve; but if you have any as long, either duffel or cloth, if it comes cheaper, I should like to have it, for I am not to give more than twelve shillings; I beg you, Sir, to be so good as not 248 to fail sending me this cardinal on Wednesday without fail, let it be full yard long I beg, or else it will not do, fail not on Wednesday, and by so doing you will oblige
Your humble servant. M. W.
P.S. I hope you will charge your lowest price, and if you please not to send me a duffel one, but cloth, full yard long and full, and please to send it to Mr. Field, the waterman, who comes to the Bee-hive, at Queenhithe; pray don’t send me a duffel one, but cloth, I have altered my mind, I should not like it duffel, but cloth, le it be full yard long, and let it be cloth, for I don’t like duffel; it must not be more than twelve shillings at most, one of the cheapest you have and full yard long; send two, both of a length, and both large ones, full yard long; both of a price, they be both for one woman; they must be exactly alike for goodness and price, fail then not on Wednesday, and full yard long.
Toby Matthews, afterwards Archbishop of York, was Vice-chancellor of Oxford, and sitting in court, a man was very importunate to have him wait for his counsel, a Mr. Lesstead. “Alas!” said Toby, “no man can stand in less stead.” “Necessity has no law,” said the other. “No more, I think, hath your counsel,” said the Judge.
The retort courteous was fully experienced by a lawyer, on the Northern circuit, who, on 249 cross-examining one Mary Pritchard, of Black Barnsley, began with, “Well, Mary, if I may credit what I hear, I may venture to address you by the name of Black Moll.” “Faith may you, Maister Lawyer,” said she, “for I am always called so by the Blackguards.”
A handsome young woman, who was a witness in a trial of crim. con. before Lord Mansfield, was interrogated by Counsellor Dunning, who, thinking to confuse the woman, made her take off her bonnet, that he might have a view of her countenance, and see (for all counsellors are judges of physiognomy) whether the truth came from her lips. After he had put many questions to her, he asked her, “whether her mistress had ever committed the important secret to her?” “No, Sir,” said the woman, “she never did.” “And how can you swear to her infidelity?” “Because I saw another gentleman besides my master in bed with her.” “Indeed!” said the counsellor. “Yes, indeed, Sir.” “And pray, my good woman,” said the modest counsellor, thinking to silence her at once, “did your master (for I see you are very handsome) in return for his wife’s infidelity, go to bed with you?” “That trial,” says the spirited woman, “does not come on to-day, Mr. Slabberchops.”
Parker, Bishop of Oxford, being asked by an acquaintance what was the best body of divinity, answered, “That which can help a man to keep a coach and six horses.”
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