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From Joe Miller’s Jest Book,  which is a pirated but exact version of The Jest Book,  selected and arranged by Mark Lemon, except for some Americanized spellings; New York :  Hurst & Co., no date; pp. 196-218.


[196]

T H E   J E S T   B O O K.

( Jests 900-999. )

CM. — THE REBEL LORDS.

AT the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel’s sharp visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, “What a shame it is to turn her face to the prisoners, until they are condemned !”

Some women were scolding Selwyn for going to see the execution, and asked him how he could be such a barbarian to see the head cut off ?  “Nay,” replied he, “if that was such a crime, I am sure I have made amends; for I went to see it sewed on again.”

Walpole relates :  “You know Selwyn never thinks but à la tête; tranchée. ”  On having a tooth drawn, he told the man that he would drop his handkerchief for the signal.

197

CMI. — A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.

“HOW are you this morning ?”  said Fawcett to Cooke.

“Not at all myself,” says the tragedian. “Then I congratulate you,” replied Fawcett; “for, be whoever else  you will, you  will be a gainer by the bargain.”

CMII. — THE DIRECT ROAD.

WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said; “Can you tell us the way to the ‘Judge and Jury ?’  ” (a place of low entertainment). “Keep on as you are,  young gentleman,” was the reply, “your ’re sure to overtake them. 

CMIII. — A SUGGESTIVE PAIR OF GRAYS.

JERROLD was enjoying a drive one day with a well-known, — a jovial spendthrift.

“Well, Jerrold,” said the driver of a very fine pair of grays, “what do you think of my grays ?”

“To tell you the truth,” Jerrold replied, “I was just thinking of your duns !”

CMIV. — DR. JOHNSON’S OPINION OF MRS. SIDDONS.

WHEN Dr. Johnson visited Mrs. Siddons, he paid her two or three very elegant compliments. When she retired, he said to Dr. Glover, “Sir, she is a prodigiously fine woman.” — “Yes,” replied Dr. Glover; “but don’t you thing she is much finer upon the stage, when she is adorned by art ?” — “Sir,” said Dr. Johnson, “on the stage art  does not adorn her :  nature adorns  her there, and art glorifies  her.”

CMV. — A GOOD NEIGHBOR.

THE Duke of L.’s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation :  “I had much rather,” said he, “have friends  than hares.”

198

CMVI. — AN EQUIVOCATION.

A DIMINUTIVE attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll :  “Sir, I hear you have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir ?” — “No, sir,” said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. ’I never said you were a pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say you were little Else. 

CMVII. — A WISE FOOL.

A PERSON wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a varitey of opinions were entertained, — some people thinking him not so foolish as he seemed, — knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny, and offered him his choice. “I ’ll tak’ the wee  ane,” he says, giving as his modest reason, “I ’se no’ be greedy.” At another time, a miller, laughing at him for his witlessness, he said, “Some things I ken, and some I dinna ken.” On being asked what he knew, he said, “I ken a miller has aye a gey fat sou. ” — “An’ what d ’ye no ken ?”  said the miller. “Ou,” he returned, “I dinna ken at wha ’s expense  she ’s fed.”

CMVIII. — ON A BALD HEAD.

MY hair and I are quit, d ’ye see;
I first cut him,  he now cuts me.

CMIX. — LIE FOR LIE.

TWO gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed them, one said, “There goes the handsomest woman you ever saw.” She turned back, and, seeing him very ugly, said, “I wish I could, in return, say as much of you.” — “So you may, madam,” said he, “and lie  as I did. 

CMX. — A MAN WITHOUT A RIVAL.

GENERAL LEE one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a glass. “Cutting,” said Lee, “you must be the happiest man in creation.” — “Why, general ?” — “Because,” replied Lee, “you 199 are in love with yourself, and you have not a rival  upon earth.”

CMXI. — ADVICE TO A DRAMATIST.

YOUR Comedy I ’ve read, my friend,
    And like the half  you ’ve pilfered best ;
But, sure, the Drama you might mend ;
    Take courage, man, and steal the rest !

CMXII. — GARRICK AND FOOTE.

“THE Lying Valet,” being one hot night annexed as an afterpiece to the comedy of “The Devil Upon Two Sticks,” Garrick, coming into the Green Room, with exultation called out to Foote, “Well, Sam, I see, after all, you are glad to take up with one of my  farces.” — “Why, yes, David,” rejoined the wit; “what could I do better ?  I must have some ventilator for this hot weather.”

CMXIII. — NOTHING TO LAUGH AT.

WHEN Lord Lauderdale intimated his intention to repeat some good thing Sheridan had mentioned to him, “Pray, don’t, my dear Lauderdale,” said the wit; “a joke in your  mouth is no laughing matter !”

CMXIV. — QUITE AGROUND.

IT is said that poor H—— T—— has been living on his wits. He certainly must be content with very limited premises.

CMV. — A JUDGE IN A FOG.

ONE of the judges of the King’s Bench, in an argument on the construction of a will, sagely declared, “It appeared to him that the testator meant to keep a life-interest  in the estate to himself.” — “Very true, my lord,” said Curran gravely; “but in this case I rather think your lordship takes the will for the deed. 

CMVI. — THE LETTER H.

IN a dispute, whether the letter H was really a letter or a simple aspiration, Rowland Hill contended that it was 200 the former; adding that, if it were not a letter, it must have been a very serious affair to him, by making him ill  ( Hill  without H ) all the days of his life.

CMXVII. — ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE.

SHERIDAN was once staying at the house of an elderly maiden lady in the country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to give. Proposing one day to take a stroll with him, he excused himself on account of the badness of the weather. Shortly afterwards she met him sneaking out alone. “So, Mr. Sheridan,” said she, “it has cleared up.” — “Just a little,  ma’am — enough for one, but not enough for two.”

CMXVIII. — “ THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH. ”

CURRAN’S ruling passion was his joke. In his last illness, his physician observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more difficulty, he answered, “That is rather surprising, as I have been practising  all night.”

CMXIX. — EPIGRAM.

( On the Charge of Illegally Pawning brought against
Captain B——, M. P. )

IF it ’s true a newly made M. P.
Has coolly pawned his landlord’s property,
    As the said landlord certainly alleges,
No more will Radicals and Whigs divide
Upon one point, which thus we may decide,
    “ Some members are too much disposed for pledges. ”

CMXX. — CUP AND SAUCER.

A GENTLEMAN, who was remarkable at once for Bacchanalian devotion and remarkably large and starting eyes, was one evening the subject of conversation. The question appeared to be, whether the gentleman in question wore upon his face any signs of his excesses. “I think so,” said Jerrold; “I always know when he has been in his cups by the state of his saucers.”

201

CMXXI. — A NEW READING.

KEMBLE playing Hamlet  in the country, the gentleman who acted Guildenstern  was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician. Hamlet  asks him, “Will you play upon this pipe ?” — “My lord, I cannot.” — “I pray you.” —  “Believe me, I cannot.” — “I do beseech you.” — “Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I can” ; and to the confusion of Hamlet, and the great amusement of the audience, he played “God save the king !”

CMXXII. — CONCEITED, BUT NOT SEATED.

SEVERAL ex-members are announced as about to stand  at the ensuing elections, and indeed it is probable many will have to do so after them, for there are very few who can reasonably expect to sit. — G. A’B. [Gilbert a’Beckett.]

CMXXIII. — STRANGE VESPERS.

A MAN who had a brother, a priest, was asked, “Has your brother a living ?” — “No.” — “How does he employ himself ?” — “He says mass in the morning.” — “And in the evening ?” — “In the evening he don’t know what  he says.”

CMXXIV. — A TRANSFORMATION SCENE.

SIR B—— R——, in one of the debates on the question of the Union, made a speech in favor of it, which he concluded by saying, “That it would change the barren hills  into fruitful valleys. 

CMXXV. — AN ACCEPTABLE DEPRIVATION.

THE Duke of C—mb—l—d has taken from this country a thing which not one person in it will grudge :  of course we are understood at once to mean his departure. — G. A’B. [Gilbert a’Beckett.]

CMXXVI. — ACCURATE DESCRIPTION.

A CERTAIN lawyer received a severe injury from some thing in the shape of a horsewhip. “Where were you hurt ?”  said a medical friend. “Was it near the vertebra ? 202  — “No, no,” said the other; “it was near the racecourse. 

CMXXVII. — SOLOMON’S TEMPLE.

WHEN Reginald Heber read his prize poem of “Palestine” to Sir Walter Scott, the latter observed that, in the verses on Solomon’s Temple, one striking circumstance had escaped him; namely, that no tools were used in its erection. Reginald retired for a few minutes to the corner of the room, and returned with the beautiful lines

“No hammer fell, no ponderous axes rung ;
Like some tall palm, the mystic fabric sprung,
Majestic silence,” &c.

CMXXVIII. — THE STAFFORDSHIRE COLLIERIES.

MANY anecdotes might be collected to show the great difficulty of discovering a person in the collieries without being in possession of a nickname. The following was received from a respectable attorney. During his clerkship he was sent to serve some legal process on a man whose name and address were given to him with legacy accuracy. He traversed the village to which he had been directed from end to end without success; and after spending many hours in the search was about to abandon it in despair, when a young woman who had witnessed his labors kindly undertook to make inquiries for him, and began to hail her friends for that purpose. “Oi say, Bullyed, does thee know a man named Adam Green ?”  The bull-head was shaken in sign of ignorance. “Loy-a-bed, does thee ?”  Lie-a-bed’s opportunities of making acquaintance had been rather limited, and she could not resolve the difficulty. Stumpy (a man with a wooden leg), Cowskin, Spindleshanks, Corkeye, Pigtail, and Yellowbelly were severally invoked, but in vain; and the querist fell into a brown study, in which she remained for some time. At length, however, her eyes suddenly brightened, and, slapping one of her companions on the shoulder, she exclaimed, triumphantly, “Dash my wig !  Whoy he means my feyther !” and then, turning to the gentleman, she added, “You should ha’ ax’d for Ould Blackbird ! 

203

CMXXIX. — A POSER.

FOOTE was once met by a friend in town with a young man who was flashing away very brilliantly, while Foote seemed grave :  “Why, Foote,” said his friend, “You are flat to-day; you don’t seem to relish a joke !” — “you have not tried me  yet, sir,” said Foote.

CMXXX. — MINDING HIS CUE.

MR. ELLISTON was enacting the part of Richmond ;  and having, during the evening, disobeyed the injunction which the King of Denmark lays down to the Queen, “Gertrude, do not drink,” he accosted Mr. Powell, who was personating Lord Stanley  (for the safety of whose son Richmond  is naturally anxious), THUS, on his entry, after the issue of the battle : —

Elliston ( as Richmond ). Your son, George Stanley, is he dead ?

Powell ( as Lord Stanley ). He is, my Lord, and safe in Leicester town !

Elliston ( as Richmond ). I mean — ah ! — is he missing ?

Powell ( as Lord Stanley ). He is, my Lord, and safe in Leicester town ! !

And it is but justice to the memory of this punctilious veteran, to say that he would have made the same reply to any question which could, at that particular moment, have been put to him.

CMXXXI. — EPIGRAM.

( On a Little Member’s Versatility. )

WHY little Neddy—— yearns
    To rat, there is a reason strong,
He needs be everything by turns,,
    Who is by nature nothing long.

CMXXXII. — LATE AND EARLY.

THE regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a superior said to him, “I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very late  to the 204 office.” — “Yes, sir,” replied the wit, “but you must remember that I go away early. ”  The oddness of the excuse silenced the reprover.

CMXXXIII. — FAIR PLAY.

CURRAN, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. “You are so little,” said he, “that I might fire at you a dozen times without hitting, whereas, the chance is that you may shoot me at the first fire.” — “To convince you,” cried Curran, “I don’t wish to take any advantage, you shall chalk  my size upon your body, and all hits out of the ring shall go for nothing.”

CMXXXIV. — SOMETHING LACKING.

HOOK was walking one day with a friend, when the latter, pointing out on a dead wall an incomplete inscription, running, “WARREN’S B——,” was puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. “ ’T is lacking  that should follow,” observed Hook, in explanation.

CMXXXV. — THE HONEST MAN’S LITANY.

FROM a wife of small fortune, but yet very proud,
Who values herself on her family’s blood :
Who seldom talks sense, but for ever is loud,

Libera me !

From living i’ th’ parish that has an old kirk,
Where the parson would rule like a Jew or a Turk,
And keep a poor curate to do all his work,

Libera me !

From a justice of peace who forgives no offence,
But construes the law in its most rigid sense,
And still to bind over will find some pretence,

Libera me !

From dealing with great men and taking their word,
From waiting whole mornings to speak with my lord,
Who puts off his payments, and puts on his sword,

Libera me !

205

From Black-coats, who never the Gospel yet taught,
From Red-coats, who never a battle yet fought,
From Turn-coats, whose inside and outside are naught,

Libera me !

CMXXXVI. — THREE DEGREES OF COMPARISON.

A LADY, proud of her rank and title, once compared the three classes of people, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and crockery. A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see the lady’s little girl, who, it was mentioned, was in the nursery. “John,” said she to the footman, “tell the maid to bring the little dear.” The footman, wishing to expose his mistress’s ridiculous pride, cried, loud enough to be heard by every one, — “Crockery !  bring down little China. 

CMXXXVII. — MEN OF LETTERS.

A CORRESPONDENT, something new,
Transmitting, signed himself X. Q.
The editor his letter read,
And begged he might be X. Q. Z.

CMXXXVIII. — ELEGANT RETORT.

IT is a common occurrence in the University of Cambridge for the undergraduates to express their approbation or disapprobation of the Vice-Chancellor, on the resignation of his office. Upon an occasion of this kind, a certain gentleman had enacted some regulations which had given great offence; and, when the senate had assembled in order that he might resign his office to another, a great hissing  was raised in disapprobation of his conduct; upon which, bowing courteously, he made the following elegant retort : —

“Laudatur ab his. 

CMXXXIX. — SNUG LYING.

A VISITOR at Churchtown, North Meols, thought people must like to be buried in the churchyard there, because it was so healthy.

206

CMXL. — A PROPER ANSWER.

A KNAVISH attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty, “What is that to you ?”  said he; “meddle with those things that concern you. 

CMXLI. — GOOD HEARING.

I HEARD last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead,
I ’m very glad to hear it,  too, cries Ned.

CMXLII. — AN UNCONSCIOUS POSTSCRIPT.

GEORGE SELWYN once affirmed, in company, that no woman ever wrote a letter, without a postscript. “My next letter shall refute you !” said Lady G——. Selwyn soon after received a letter from her ladyship, where, after her signature, stood :  “P. S. Who was right; you or I? ”

CMXLIII. — HOAXING AN AUDIENCE.

COOKE was announced one evening to play the Stranger  at the Dublin Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks of agitation were visible in his countenance and gestures :  this, by the generality of the audience, was called fine acting; but those who were acquainted with his failing, classed it very properly under the head of intoxication. When the applause had ceased, with difficulty he pronounced, “Yonder hut — yonder hut,” pointing to the cottage; then beating his breast, and striking his forehead, he paced the stage in much apparent agitation of mind. Still this was taken as the chef-d’œuvre  of fine acting, and was followed by loud plaudits, and ‘Bravo !  bravo !” At length, having cast many a menacing look at the prompter, who repeatedly, though in vain, gave him the word, he came forward, and, with overacted feeling, thus addressed the audience :  “You are a mercantile people — you know the value of money — a thousand pounds, my all, lent to serve a friend, is lost for ever. My son, too — pardon the feelings of a parent — my only son — as brave a youth as ever fought his country’s battles, is slain — not many hours ago I received the intelligence; but he died in the defence of his King !” Here his feelings became 207 so powerful that they choked his utterance, and, with his handkerchief to his eyes, he staggered off the stage, amidst the applause of those who, not knowing the man, pitied his situation. Now, the fact is, Cooke never possessed £ 1,000 in his life, nor had he ever the honor of being a father; but, too much intoxicated to recollect his part, he invented this story, as the only way by which he could decently retire; and the sequel of the business was, that he was sent home in a chair, whilst another actor played the part.

CMXLIV. — THE SEASON-INGS.

“COME here, Johnny, and tell me what the seasons  are.” Young Prodigy :  “Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar.”

CMXLV. — NOT AT HOME.

A WEAVER, after enjoying his potations, pursued his way home through the churchyard, his vision and walking somewhat impaired. As he proceeded, he diverged from the path, and unexpectedly stumbled into a partially made grave. Stunned for a while, he lay in wonder at his descent, and after some time he got out, but he had not proceeded much further when a similar calamity befell him. At this second fall, he was heard in a tone of wonder and surprise, to utter the following exclamation, referring to what he considered the untenanted graves, “Ay !  ir ye a’ up an’ away ? 

CMXLVI. — LINCOLN’S-INN DINNERS.

ON the evening of the coronation-day of our gracious Queen, the Benchers of Lincoln’s Inn gave the students a feed; when a certain profane wag, in giving out a verse fo the National Anthem, which he was solicited to lead in a solo, took that opportunity of stating a grievance as to the modicum of part allowed, in manner and form following : — 

“ Happy and glorious ” —
  Three half-pints  ’mong four  of us,
  Heaven send no more of us,

God save the Queen !

which ridiculous perversion of the author’s meaning was 208 received with a full chorus, amid tremendous shouts of laughter and applause.

CMXLVII. — WHY ARE WOMEN BEARDLESS ?

HOW wisely Nature, ordering all below,
Forbade a beard on woman’s chin  to grow,
For how could she be shaved ( whate’er the skill )
Whose tongue  would never let her chin  be still !

CMXLVIII. — COOL RETORT.

HENDERSON, the actor, was seldom known to be in a passion. When at Oxford, he was one day debating with a fellow-student, who, not keeping his temper, threw a glass of wine in the actor’s face; when Henderson took out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and coolly said, “That, sir, was a digression :  now for the argument.”

CMXLIX. — LYING.

DON’T give your mind to lying. A lie may do very well for a time, but, like a bad shilling, it’s found out at last. — D. J. [Douglas Jerrold.]

CML. — PERTINENT INQUIRY.

A PERSON addicted to lying, relating a story to another, which, made him stare, “Did you never hear that before ?”  said the narrator. “No,” says the other; “Pray, sir, did you ? 

CMLI. — A POLITE REBUKE.

CHARLES MATHEWS,, seated on a coach-box on a frosty day, waiting for the driver, said to him when at length he appeared :  “If you stand her much longer, Mr. Coachman, your horses will be like Captain Perry’s ships.” — “How’s that, sir ?” — “Why, frozen at the pole ! ”

CMLII. — A CERTAIN CROP.

UNDER the improved system of agriculture and of draining, great preparations had been made for securing a good crop in a certain field, where Lord Fife, his factor, 209 and others interested in the subject were collected together. There was much discussion, and some difference of opinion as to the crop with which the field had best be sown. The idiot retainer, who had been listening unnoticed to all that was said, at last cried out, “Saw ’t wi’ factors, ma lord; they are sure to thrive everywhere.

CMLIII. — GOOD ADVICE.

NEVER confide in a young man, — new pails leak. Never tell your secret to the aged, — old doors seldom shut closely.

CMLIV. — MR. THELWALL.

WHEN citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine :  “I am determined to plead my cause myself.” Mr. Erskine wrote under it :  “If you do, you’ll be hanged :” to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply :  “I ’ll be hanged, then, if I do. 

CMLV. — CHEAP AT THE MONEY.

A SHILLING subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, “Only a shilling to bury an attorney !  Here’s a guinea; go and bury one-and-twenty of them. 

CMLVI. — A QUERY FOR MR. BABBAGE.

A PERSON, hearing that “Time is Money,” became desirous of learning how many years it would take “to pay  a little debt of a hundred pounds !”

CMLVII. — A BACK-HANDED HIT.

LORD DERBY once said that Ireland was positively worse that it is represented. “That’s intended,” said A’Beckett, “as a sinister insult to the members who represent that wretched country.”

210

CMLVIII. — THINGS BY THEIR RIGHT NAMES.

IF by their names we things should call,
    It surely would be properer,
To term a singing piece a bawl,
    A dancing piece a hopperer !

CMLIX. — A FAVORITE AIR.

ONE of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical composition, said :  “That song always carries me away when I hear it.” — “Can anybody whistle it ?”  asked Jerrold, laughing.

CMLX. — A GOOD JOKE.

A FIRE-EATING Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he might have a prop. “Suppose,” said he, “I lean against this milestone ?” — “With pleasure,” replied the lawyer, “on condition that I may lean against the next. ”  The joke settled the quarrel.

CMLXI. — ONE THING AT A TIME.

A VERY dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying, “It was not hissed.” — “True,” said another; “no one can hiss  and gape  at the same time.”

CMLXII. — TROPHIES.

A FRENCH nobleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many trophies  of Louis the Fourteenth’s victories, asked Prior if King William, his master, had many such trophies in his palace. “No,” said Prior, “the monuments of my master’s victories are to be seen everywhere  but in his own house.

CMLXIII. — “ BRIEF LET IT BE. ”

WHEN Baron Martin was at the Bar and addressing the Court of Exchequer in an insurance case, he was interrupted by Mr. Baron Alderson observing :  “Mr. Martin, 211 do you think any office would insure your life ?  Remember, yours is a brief  existence.”

CMLXIV. — GOOD ADVICE.

A PHILOSOPHER being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge, replied, “Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have first sounded, with their stick, the ground on which they are going to tread.”

CMLXV. — EXPECTORATION.

WE are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even when that floor is covered with good carpets. Now all claims to civilization are suspended till this secretion is otherwise disposed of. No English gentleman has spit upon the floor since the Heptarchy. — S. S. [Sydney Smith.]

CMLXVI. — A COAT-OF-ARMS.

A GREAT pretender to gentility
Came to a herald for a pedigree :
The herald, knowing what he was, begun
To rumble o’er his heraldry ; which done,
Told him he was a gentleman of note,
And that he had a very glorious coat.
“Prithee, what is ’t ?”  quoth he, “and take your fees.”
“Sir,” says the herald, “ ’t is two rampant trees,
One couchant ; and, to give it further scope,
A ladder passant, and a pendent rope.
And, for a grace unto your blue-coat sleeves,
There is a bird i’ th’ crest that strangles thieves.”

CMLXVII. — DR. SIMS.

A GLORIOUS bull is related, in the life of Dr. Sims, of a countryman of his, an Irishman, for whom he had prescribed an emetic, who said with great naiveté :  “My dear doctor, it is of no use your giving me an emetic !  I tried it twice in Dublin, and it would not stay  on my stomach either time.”

CMLXVIII. — MARRIAGE.

IN marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

212

CMLXIX. — BENEFIT OF COMPETITION.

POPE, when he first saw Garrick act, observed, “I am afraid that the young man will be spoiled, for he will have no competitor !”

CMLXX. — INDUSTRY AND PERSEVERANCE.

A SPENDTHRIFT said, “Five years ago I was not worth a farthing in the world; now see where I am through my own exertions.” — “Well, where are you ?”  inquired a neighbor. “Why, I now owe more  than a thousand pounds !”

CMLXXI. — QUANTUM SUFF.

IN former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lady mounted behind him on horseback. On crossing the river Urr, the old lady dropped off, but was not missed till her husband reached his door. The party who were despatched in quest of her, arrived just in time to find her remonstrating with the advancing tide, which trickled into her mouth, in these words, “No anither drap; neither het nor cauld. 

CMLXXII. — LAMB AND SHARP SAUCE.

A RETIRED cheesemonger, who hated any allusions to the business that had enriched him, said to Charles Lamb, in course of discussion on the Poor-Laws, “You must bear in mind, sir, that I have got rid of that sort of stuff which you poets call the ‘milk of human kindness.’ ” Lamb looked at him steadily, and replied, “Yes, I am aware of that, — you turned it all into cheese  several years ago !”

CMLXXIII. — AN IRISHMAN’S PLEA.

“ARE you guilty, or not guilty ?”  asked the clerk of arraigns of a prisoner the other day. “An’ sure now,” said Pat, “what are you  put there for but to find that out ?”

213

CMLXXIV. — ACCOMMODATING.

A MAN in a passion spoke many scurrilous words; a friend being by, said, “You speak foolishly.” He answered, “It is that you may understand me. 

CMLXXV. — GENEROSITY AND PRUDENCE.

FRANK, who will any friend supply,
Lent me ten guineas. — “Come,” said I,
“Give me a pen, it is but fair
You take my note.” Quoth he, “Hold there ;
Jack !  To the cash I ’ve bid adieu : —
No need to waste my paper too.”

CMLXXVI. — ODD REASON.

A CELEBRATED wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he was much attached. “I know not,” he replied, “except the great regard  we have for each other.”

CMLXXVII. — VERY EVIDENT.

GARRICK and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscription :  “A GOES KOORED HEAR.” — “How is it possible,” said Rigby, “that such people as these can cure agues ?” — “I do not know,” replied Garrick, “what their prescription is, — but it is not by a spell. ”

CMLXXIX. — OMINOUS, VERY !

A JOLLY good fellow had an office next to a doctor’s. One day an elderly gentleman of the foggy school blundered into the wrong shop. “Dr. X—— in ?” — “Don’t live here,” says P——, who was in full scribble over some important papers, without looking up. “Oh, I thought this was his office.” — “Next door.” — “Pray, sir, can you tell me, has the doctor many patients ?” — “Not living ! ”  The old gentleman was never more heard of in the vicinity.

214

CMLXXX. — A REVERSE.

AN Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house he occupied, answered, “if the house were turned topsy-turvy, I ’d be livin’ on the first flure.”

CMLXXX. — ON AN M. P. WHO RECENTLY GOT HIS ELECTION AT THE SACRIFICE OF HIS POLITICAL CHARACTER.

HIS degradation is complete,
    His name with loss of honor branding ;
When he resolved to win his seat
    He literally lost his standing.

CMLXXXI. — MUSICAL TASTE.

A LATE noble statesman, more famous for his wit than his love of music, being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason for it that his brother, the bishop of W——, did :  “Oh,” replied his lordship, “if I was as deaf  as my brother, I would subscribe too.”

CMLXXXII. — LINGUAL INFECTION.

A FASHIONABLE Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about Cheltenham, was observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his tongue out as he went along. Curran, who was there, was asked what he thought could be his countryman’s motive for giving the instrument of eloquence such an airing. “Oh !” said he, “he’s trying to catch  the English accent.”

CMLXXXIII. — PORSON versus  DR. JOWETT.

DR. JOWETT, who was a small  man, was permitted by the head of his college to cultivate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to some jeux d’esprit  among the wags of the University, which induced him to alter it into a plot of gravel, and Porson burst forth with the following extemporaneous lines : —

A little  garden little  Jowett made,
And fenced it with a little  palisade ;
215 Because this garden made a little  talk,
He changed it to a little  gravel walk ;
And now, if more you ’d know of little  Jowett,
A little  time, it will a little  show it.

CMLXXXIV. — BREVITY OF CHARITY.

BREVITY is in writing what charity is to all other virtues. Righteousness is worth nothing without the one, nor authorship without the other.

CMLXXXV. — HIGH GAMING.

BARON N., once playing at cards, was guilty of an odd trick ;  on which his opponent threw him out of the window of a one-pair-of-stairs room. The baron meeting Foote complained of this usage, and asked what he should do ?”  “Do,” says the wit, “never play so high  again as long as you live.”

CMLXXXVI. — HARD OF DIGESTION.

QUIN had been dining, and his host expressed his regret that he could offer no more wine, as he had lost the key of his wine-cellar. While the coffee was getting ready the host showed his guest some natural curiosities, and among the rest an ostrich. “Do you know, sir, that this bird has one very remarkable property — he will swallow iron ?” — “Then very likely,” said Quin, “he has swallowed the key  of your wine-cellar. 

CMLXXXVII. — A MONSTER.

SYDNEY SMITH said that “the Court of Chancery was like a boa-constrictor, which swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen in haste, and digested them at leisure.”

CMLXXXVIII. — SAILOR’S WEDDING.

A JACK-TAR just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony; but at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between them to pay the fees :  on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed, “Never mind, brother, marry us as far as it will go. 

216

CMLXXXIX. — QUID PRO QUO.

SMITH and Brown, running opposite ways round a corner, struck each other. “Oh dear !” says Smith, “how you made my head ring !” — “That ’s a sign it ’s hollow,” said Brown. “Did n’t yours ring? ”  said Smith. “No,” said Brown. “That’s a sign it ’s cracked, ”  replied his friend.

CMXC. — THE TRUTH BY ACCIDENT.

ONE communion Sabbath, the precentor observed the noble family of—— approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pressing in before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out to an individual whom he considered the principal obstacle in clearing the passage, “Come back, Jock, and let in the noble family of ——,” and then turning to his psalm-book, took up his duty, and went on to read the line, “Nor stand in sinners’ way. 

CMXCI. — ENCOURAGEMENT.

A YOUNG counsel commenced his stammering speech with the remark, “The unfortunate client who appears by me ——” and then he came to a full stop; beginning again, after an embarrassed pause with a repetition of the remark, “My unfortunate client ——.” He did not find his fluency of speech quickened by the calm raillery of the judge, who interposed, in his softest tone, “Pray go on, so far the court is quite with you. 

CMXCII. — FALSE ESTIMATE.

KEAN once played Young Norval  to Mrs. Siddons’s Lady Randolph :  after the play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to him, and patting him on the head, said, “You have played very well, sir, very well. It’s a pity, — but there’s too little  of you to do anything.”

Coleridge said of this “little” actor :  “Kean is original; but he copies from himself. His rapid descent from the hyper-tragic to the infra-colloquial, though sometimes productive of great effect, are often unreasonable. To see him act, is like reading ‘Shakespeare’ by flashes of lightning. 217 I do not think him thorough-bred gentleman enough to play Othello. 

CMXCIII. — AMERICAN PENANCE.

AS for me, as soon as I hear that the last farthing is paid to the last creditor, I will appear on my knees at the bar of the Pennsylvania Senate in the plumeopicean robe of American controversy. Each Conscript Jonathan shall trickle over me a few drops of tar, and help to decorate me with those penal plumes in which the vanquished reasoner of the transatlantic world does homage to the physical superiority of his opponents. — S. S. [Sydney Smith.]

CMXCIV. — A MONEY-LENDER.

THE best fellow in the world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you half cash, half wine, why, if you can’t take up his bill, you ’ve always poison at hand for a remedy. — D. J. [Douglas Jerrold.]

CMXCV. — A BAD MEDIUM.

A MAN, who pretended to have seen a ghost, was asked what the ghost said to him ?  “How should I understand,” replied the narrator, “what he said ?  I am not skilled in any of the dead  languages.”

CMXCVI. — TAKING A HINT.

THE Bishop preached :  “My friends,” said he,
“How sweet a thing is charity,
The choicest gem in virtue’s casket !”
“It is, indeed,” sighed miser B.,
“And instantly I’ll go and — ask it.”

CMXCVII. — SWEARING THE PEACE.

AN Irishman, swearing the peace against his three sons, thus concluded the affidavit :  “And this deponent further saith, that the only one of his children who showed him any real filial affection was his youngest son Larry, for he never struck him when he was down ! 

218

CMXCVIII. — THE RULING PASSION.

THE death of Mr. Holland, of Drury Lane Theatre, who was the son of a baker  at Chiswick, had a very great effect upon the spirits of Foote, who had a very warm friendship for him. Being a legatee, as well as appointed by the will of the deceased one of his bearers, he attended the corpse to the family vault at Chiswick, and there very sincerely paid a plentiful tribute of tears to his memory. On his return to town, Harry Woodward asked him if he had not been paying the last compliment to his friend Holland ?  “Yes, poor fellow,” says Foote, almost weeping at the same time, “I have just seen him shoved  into the family oven. 

CMXCIX. — A SANITARY AIR.

THE air of France !  nothing to the air of England. That goes ten times as far, — it must, for it ’s ten times as thick. — D. J. [Douglas Jerrold.]








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