From Joe Miller’s Jest Book, which is a pirated but exact version of The Jest Book, selected and arranged by Mark Lemon, except for some Americanized spellings; New York : Hurst & Co., no date; pp. 238-260.
( Jests 1100-1199. )
A LAIRD OF LOGAN sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, “You buy him as you see him; but he’s an honest 239 beast.” The purchaser took him home. In a few days he stumbled and fell to the damage of his own knees and his rider’s head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the laird, whose reply was, “Well, sir, I told you he was an honest beast; many a time has he threatened to come down with me, and I kenned he would keep his word some day.”
MR. NEVILLE, formerly a fellow of Jesus College, was distinguished, by many innocent singularities, uncommon shyness, and stammering of speech, but when he used bad words he could talk fluently. In one of his solitary rambles a countryman met him and inquired the road. “Tu—u—rn,” says Neville, “to—to—to—” and so on for a minute or two; at last he burst out, “Confound it, man ! you’ll get there before I can tell you ! ”
TWO Miltons, in separate ages were born,
The cleverer Milton ’t is clear we have got ;
Though the other had talents the world to adorn,
This lives by his mews, which the other could not !
THE following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied, “Tastes differ; I ’se tak’ ye to a place no far frae Stirling, whaur thretty thousand o’ yer countrymen ha’ been for five hunder years, an’ they’ve nae thocht o’ leavin’ yet.”
A SCHOOLBOY being asked by the teacher how he should flog him, replied, “If you please, sir, I should life to have it upon the Italian system — the heavy strokes upwards, and the down ones light.”
240CURRAN, after a debate which gave rise to high words, put his hand to his heart, and declared that he was the trusty guardian of his own honor. Upon which Sir Boyle Roche congratulated his honorable friend on the smug little sinecure he had discovered for himself.
WHEN Pennington for female ills indites,
Studying alone not what, but how he writes,
The ladies, as his graceful form they scan,
Cry, with ill-omened rapture, — “Killing man ! ”
JERROLD and Laman Blanchard were strolling together about London, discussing passionately a plan for joining Byron in Greece, when a heavy shower of rain wetted them through. Jerrold, telling the story many years after, said, “That shower of rain washed all the Greece out of us.”
IN 1824, when the question of erecting a monument to Shakespeare, in his native town, was agitated by Mr. Mathews and Mr. Bunn, the King (George IV.) took a lively interest in the matter, and, considering that the leading people of both the patent theatres should be consulted, directed Sir Charles Long, Sir George Beaumont, and sir Francis Freeling to ascertain Mr. Elliston’s sentiments on the subject. As soon as these distinguished individuals (who had come direct from, and were going direct back to, the Palace) had delivered themselves of their mission, Elliston replied, “Very well, gentlemen, leave the papers with me, and I will talk over the business with HIS MAJESTY.”
A TRAVELLER relating his adventures, told the company that he and his servants had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he observed, that there was no great 241 matter in it, — “For,” says he, “we ran, and they ran after us.”
AT the time of expected invasion at the beginning of the century, some of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montrose, and solicited her subscription to raise men for the service of the King. “Indeed,” she answered right sturdily, “I ’ll do nae sic thing; I never could raise a man for mysel,, and I ’m no gaun to raise men for King George.”
A VEHEMENT political declaimer, calling aloud for the head of Lord North, turned round and perceived his victim unconsciously indulging in a quiet slumber, and, becoming still more exasperated, denounced the Minister as capable of sleeping while he ruined his country; the latter only complained how cruel it was to be denied a solace which others criminals so often enjoyed, that of having a night’s rest before their fate. On Mr. Martin’s proposal to have a starling placed near the chair, and taught to repeat the cry of “Infamous Coalition ! ” Lord North coolly suggested, that, as long as the worthy member was preserved to them, it would be a needless waste of the public money, since the starling might well perform his office by deputy.
A YOUNG ecclesiastic asked his bishop permission to preach. “I would permit you,” answered the prelate; “but nature will not.”
( Suggested by Hearing a Debate in the House of Commons. )
TO wonder now at Balaam’s ass were weak ;
Is there a night that asses do not speak ?
PORSON one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain 242 Cantab, requesting him to find the value of nothing. Next day he met his friend walking, and stopping him, desired to know, “Whether he had succeeded ?” His friend answered, “Yes !” — “And what may it be ?” asked Porson. “Sixpence ! ” replied the Cantab, “which I gave the man for bringing the note.”
SPURZHEIM was lecturing on phrenology. “What is to be conceived the organ of drunkenness ?” said the professor. “The barrel-organ,” interrupted an auditor.
A WRITER, in describing the last scene of “Othello,” had this exquisite passage : “Upon which the Moor, seizing a bolster full of rage and jealousy, smothers her.”
DR. ALDRITCH, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for drinking : —
AN eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer ungraciously put the question, “Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep ?” — “I don’t know,” answered the divine dryly, “whether they are black or white sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be fleeced.”
AT a wedding the other day one of the guests, who often is a little absent-minded, observed gravely, “I have often remarked that there have been more women than men married this year.”
243A TUTOR bidding one of his pupils, whose name was Charles Howl, to make some English verses, and seeing he put teeth to rhyme with feet, told him he was wrong there, as that was no proper rhyme. Charles answered, “You have often told me that H was no letter, and therefore this is good rhyme.” His tutor said, “ ’Take heed, Charles, of that evasion, for that you will make you an owl.
SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, “Hear ! hear !” During the debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. “Where,” exclaimed he, with great emphasis — “where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than he ?” — “Hear ! hear !” was shouted by the troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.
A YOUNG lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the plea, “Marry for love, and work for siller,” replied, “It ’s a’ vera true, but a kiss and a tinniefu* o’ cauld water makes a gay wersh† breakfast.”
* Tinnie, the small porringer of children.
† Insipid.
A LADY was followed by a beggar, who very importunately asked her for alms. She refused him; when he quitted her, saying, with a profound sigh, “Yet the alms I asked you for would have prevented me executing my present resolution !” The lady was alarmed lest the man should commit some rash attempt on his own life. She called him back, and gave him a shilling, and asked him the meaning of what he had just said. “Madam,” said the fellow, laying hold of the money, “I have been 244 begging all day in vain, and but for this shilling I should have been obliged to work ! ”
MRS. BRAY relates the following of a Devonshire physician, happily named Vial, who was a desperate lover of whist. One evening in the midst of a deal, the doctor fell off his chair in a fit. Consternation seized on the company. Was he alive or dead ? At length he showed signs of life, and, retaining the last fond idea which had possessed him at the moment he fell into the fit, exclaimed, “What is trumps ? ”
THE late Hon. Henry Erskine met his acquaintance Jemmy Ba—four, a barrister, who dealt in hard words and circumlocutious sentences. Perceiving that his ankle was tied up with a silk handkerchief, the former asked the cause. “Why, my dear sir,” answered the wordy lawyer, “I was taking a romantic ramble in my brother’s grounds, when, coming to a gate, I had to climb over it, by which I came in contact with the first bar, and have grazed the epidermis on my skin, attended with a slight extravasation of blood.” — “You may thank your lucky stars,” replied Mr. Erskine, “that your brother’s gate was not as lofty as your style or you must have broken your neck.”
THESE walls, so full of monuments and bust,
Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust.
TWO friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still resembled only the “effigy of a man,” — said the stout gentleman, “Why, Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you last.” — “And you,” replied the other, “look as if you had been at dinner ever since. ”
245AN arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, “T — T— T— Tom, can your mag t — t — talk yet ?” — “Ay, sir,” says the boy, better than you, or I ’d wring his head off. ”
THE best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whose body they found the chaplain of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr. ——, and who, after having been missing for above a week, was discovered in this very inconvenient situation.
CURRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, “He’ll not change either till he comes back.”
( On hearing a prosing harangue from a certain Bishop. )
WHEN he holds forth, his reverence doth appear
So lengthily his subject to pursue,
That listeners ( out of patience ) often fear
He has indeed eternity in view.
MR. SMITH passed a pork-shop the other day. — Mr. Smith whistled. The moment he did this, every sausage “wagged its tail.” As a note to this, we would mention that the day before he lost a Newfoundland dog, that weighed sixty-eight pounds.
ROGERS used to relate this story : An Englishman and a Frenchman fought a duel in a darkened room. The Englishman, unwilling to take his antagonist’s life, generously 246 fired up the chimney, and — brought down the Frenchman. “When I tell this story in France,” pleasantly added the relator, “I make the Englishman go up the chimney.”
SOME ONE being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was not “a little tiresome,” — “Not at all, “she was perfectly tiresome.”
AN Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one of the criminals, as he had intended. “Dear me !” said his lordship, “I really beg his pardon, — bring him in.”
A LANDLADY, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin, would order her servant to get the supplies after the following fashion : “Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin.” Off started Betty. She was speedily recalled : “Betty, make it half a quartern loaf, and a quartern of gin.” But Betty had never fairly got across the threshold on the mission ere the voice was again heard : “Betty, on second thoughts, you may as well make it all gin. ”
DR. JOHNSON censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church, which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a more convenient place, for no other reason but that there might be a direct road to a new bridge. “You are taking,” said the doctor, “a church out of the way, that the people may go in a straight line to the bridge.” — “No, sir,” replied Gwyn : “I am putting the church in the way, that the people may not go out of the way. ”
247A CANDIDATE at an election, who wanted eloquence, when another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and said, “Electors of G——, all that he has said I will do. ”
SCHOOLMISTRESS (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet) : “Come, now, what is that ?” Scholar : “I sha’n’t tell you.” Schoolmistress : “You won’t ! But you must. Come, now, what is it ?” Scholar : “I sha’n’t tell you. I did n’t come here to teach you, — but for you to teach me. ”
IF truth, perspicuity, wit, gravity, and every property pertaining to the ancient or modern epitaph, may be expected united in one single epitaph, it is in one made for Burbadge, the tragedian, in the days of Shakespeare, — the following being the whole, — Exit Burbadge.
Jerrold, perhaps, trumped this by his anticipatory epitaph on the excellent man and distinguished historian, Charles Knight, — “Good Knight.”
FOOTE being told of the appointment of a Scotch nobleman, said, “The Irish, sir, take us all in, and the Scotch turn us all out.
248A BOASTING fellow was asked, “Pray, sir, what may your business be ?” — “O,” replied the boaster, “I am but a cork-cutter : but then it is in a very large way !” — “Indeed !” replied the other; “then I presume you are a cutter of bungs ? ”
CURIOUS coincidence respecting the letter C, as connected with the Princess Charlotte, daughter of George IV. : — Her mother’s name was Caroline, her own name was Charlotte; that of her consort Cobourg; she was married at Carlton House; her town residence was at Camelford House, the late owner of which, Lord Camelford, was untimely killed in a duel; her country residence Claremont, not long ago the property of Lord Clive, who ended his days by suicide; she died in Childbed, the name of her accoucheur being Croft.
IN a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one night. The pit took offence at the miserable acting of a performer, and hissed him energetically; whereupon the manager brought his company on the state, and out-hissed the visitors.”
DR. GARTH (so he is called in the manuscript), who was one of the Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he must soon be gone, having many patients to attend; but some good wine being produced he forgot them. When Sir Richard Steele reminded him of his patients, Garth immediately said, “It ’s no great matter whether I see them to-night or not; for nine of them have such bad constitutions that all the physicians in the world can’t save them, and the other six have so good constitutions that all the physicians in the world can’t kill them.”
OWEN MOORE has run away,
Owing more than he can pay.
“HURRAH ! Hurrah !” cried a young lawyer, who had succeeded to his father’s practice, “I ’ve settled that old chancery suit at last.” — “Settled it ! ” cried the astonished parent, “why I gave you that as an annuity for your life.”
“AS you do not belong to my parish,” said a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg, “you cannot expect that I should relieve you.” — “Sir,” said the sailor, with a noble air, “I lost my leg fighting for all parishes. ”
GEORGE II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his opinions, he had better suppress them. “Had Martin Luther done so, ” replied the philosopher, “your majesty would not have been on the throne of England.”
A BOY being asked what was the plural of “penny,” replied with great promptness and simplicity, “two-pence.”
A MAN having broken open a young lady’s jewel-case (the offence was differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so with consent. “In the future,” said Mr. Justice Maule, “when you receive a lady’s consent under similar circumstances, get it, if possible, in writing. ”
AN English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed his servant who was crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room, “None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog; you know you are very glad, 250 for now you will have only one boot to clean instead of two.”
A SAILOR was asked, “Where did your father die ?” — “In a storm,” answered the sailor. “And your grandfather ?” — “He was drowned.” — “And your great-grandfather ?” — “He perished at sea.” — “How, then,” said the questioner, “dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors perished there? you needs must be very rash.” — “Master,” replied the sailor, “do me the favor of telling me where your father died ?” — “Very comfortably in bed.” — “And your forefathers ?” — “In the same manner, — very quietly in their beds.” — “Ah ! master,” replied the sailor, “how, then, dare you go to bed, since all your ancestors died in it ?”
A VERY excellent lady was desired by another to teach her what secrets she had to preserve her husband’s favor. “It is,” replied she, “by doing all that pleases him, and by enduring patiently all that displeases me.”
A NOBLEMAN ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace’s table, to put this question to him : “Allow me to ask, as we are all here titled, if you were not SURPRISED at Waterloo ?” To which the duke responded, “No; but I am NOW.”
A COUNTRY boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for two bottles of wine, he said to him, “Well, John, have you shook them ? ” — “No, sir; but I will,” he replied, suiting the action to the word.
AN eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles 251 were burned down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He was at first greatly enraged at what he deemed a gross falsehood; but the same evening he tried the experiment at home, and found it to be a fact, “that when burned to the middle, neither candle would burn any longer. ”
A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted that he had received his scars in battle. “Then,” said an old soldier, “be careful the next time you run away, and don’t look back. ”
“BOBBY, what does your father do for a living ?” — “He’s a philanthropist, sir. — “A what ?” — ”A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir, — he collects money for Central America, and builds houses out of the proceeds.”
A FOREIGNER asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a suit of clothes. He replied, twelve yards. Astonished at the quantity, he went to another, who said seven would be quite sufficient. Not thinking of the exorbitancy even of this demand, all his rage was against the first tailor : so to him he went. “How did you dare, sir, ask twelve yards of cloth, to make me what your neighbor says he can do for seven ?” — “Lord, sir !” replied the man, “My neighbor can easily do it, he has but three children to clothe, I have six.”
A BEGGAR asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to whom he applied himself, asked him a question in Latin. The fellow, shaking his head, said he did not understand him. “Why,” said the gentleman, “did you not say you were a poor scholar ?” — “Yes,” replied the other, “a poor one indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word of Latin.”
252A HUNTSMAN, reported to have lived with Mr. Beckford, was not so correct in his conversation as he was in his professional employments. One day when he had been out with the young hounds, Mr. B. sent for him, and asked what sport he had had, and how the hounds behaved. “Very great sport, sir, and no hounds could behave better.” — “Did you run him long ?” — “They run him upwards of five hours successfully.” — “So then you did kill him ?” — “O no, sir; we lost him at last.”
DR. PARR, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once called a clergyman a fool, and there was probably some truth in his application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different opinion, declared he would complain to the bishop of the usage. “Do so,” added the learned Grecian, “and my Lord Bishop will confirm you.”
A COUNTRY dentist advertises that “he spares no pains” to render his operations satisfactory.
MRS. B—— desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell her, for she had other irons in the fire, and in case of its not being likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. “Then,” said the doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, “I advise you, madam, to put it where your other irons are.”
AT the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his great room in York Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payments to the workmen; and coming one day among them, to see what progress they had made, he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum, and speak anything that came uppermost, that he might observe how 253 it could be heard. “Why then, Sir Richard,” says the fellow, “here have we been working for you these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do you mean to pay us ?” — “Very well, very well,” said Sir Richard; “pray come down; I have heard quite enough; I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though it don’t much admire your subject.”
THE late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out a new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation. “But,” said the housekeeper, “I am afraid she will not suit your royal highness, as she is a soldier’s wife, and these people are generally loose characters ! ” — “What is it you say ?” said the duke, who had just entered the room, a soldier’s wife ! Pray, madam, what is your mistress ? I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged.”
A GENTLEMAN, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set up a board in a most conspicuous situation, to scare offenders, by the notification that “Steel-traps and Spring-guns are set in these Grounds” ; — but finding that even this was treated with contempt, he caused to be painted, in very prominent letters, underneath, — “NO JOKE, BY THE LORD HARRY !” which had the desired effect.
A PERSON who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had just seen his picture. “And did you ask it for a subscription ?” said the non-giver. “No, I saw no chance,” replied the other; “it was so like you. ”
GEORGE SELWYN, happening to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate the acquaintance of an elderly gentleman 254 He was in the habit of meeting at the Rooms. In the height of the following season, Selwyn encountered his old associate in St. James’s street. He endeavored to pass unnoticed, but in vain. “What ! don’t you recollect me ?” exclaimed the cuttee. “I recollect you perfectly,” replied Selwyn; “and when I next go to Bath, I shall be most happy to become acquainted with you again. ”
AT a dinner party, one of the guests used his knife improperly in eating. At length a wag asked aloud : “Have you heard of poor L——’s sad affair ? I met him at a party yesterday, when to our great horror, he suddenly took up the knife, and ——” — “Good heavens !” interposed one of the ladies; “and did he cut his throat ?” — “Why no,” answered the relator, “he did not cut his throat with his knife; but we all expected he would, for he actually put it up to his mouth. ”
THEODORE HOOK, about to be proposed a member of the Phœnix Club, inquired when they met. “Every Saturday evening during the winter,” was the answer. “Evening ? O then,” said he, “I shall never make a Phœnix, for I can’t rise from the fire. ”
A NOBLEMAN had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. “Frank,” said he, one day, “tell me how many loins you could eat ?” — “Ah, my lord, as for loins, not many; five or six at most.” — “And how many legs of mutton ?” — “Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many; seven or eight, perhaps.” — “And fatted pullets ?” — “Ah, as for pullets, my lord, not many; not more than a dozen.” — “And pigeons ?” — “Ah, as for pigeons, not many; perhaps forty — fifty at most — according to appetite.” — “And larks ?” — “Ah, as for that, my lord — little larks — for ever, my lord — for ever ! ”
DEAN COWPER, of Durham, who was very economical 255 of his wine, descanting one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind, remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than “that bottle.” — “I do not wonder at it at all, sir,” replied a minor canon, “for we have seen no more than ‘that bottle’ all the afternoon.”
A’BECKETT once said, “It seems that anything likely to have an annual increase is liable to be tithed. Could not Lord S——, by virtue of his liability, contrive to get rid of a part of his stupidity ?”
AT a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was presiding “Hoped the tea was good.” — “Very good, indeed, madam,” was the general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs, who, between truth and politeness observed, “That the tea was excellent, but the water was smoky ! ”
SOME people have a notion that villany ought to be exposed, though we must confess we think it a thing that deserves a hiding.
A STUDENT riding, being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said that if one side of his horse went on, it was not likely that the other would stay behind.
[ is, no doubt, the original of the well-known passage in Hudibras, —
“ For Hudibras wore but one spur ;
As wisely knowing, could he stir
To active trot one side of ’s horse,” &c. ]
A SCHOLAR was asked why a black hen laid a white egg. He answered, Unum contrarium expellit alterum. ”
256A POACHER was carried before a magistrate upon a charge of killing game unlawfully in a nobleman’s park, where he was caught in the fact. Being asked what he had to say in his defence, and what proof he could bring to support it, he replied, “May it please your worship, I know and confess that I was found in his lordship’s park, as the witness has told you, but I can bring the whole parish to prove that, for the last thirty years, it has been my manner. ”
JEMMY GORDON, the well-known writer of many a theme and declamation for varmint-men, alias non-reading Cantabs, having been complimented by an acquaintance on the result of one of his themes, to which the prize of a certain college was awarded, quaintly enough replied, “It is no great credit to be first in an ass-race. ”
SWIFT was one day in company with a young coxcomb, who, rising from his chair, said, with a conceited and confident air, “I would have you to know, Mr. Dean, I set up for a wit.” — “Do you, indeed,” replied the Dean; “then take my advice, and sit down again. ”
“A REFORMED Parliament,” exclaimed a Conservative the other day, “will never do for this country.” — “No ! but an unreformed would, and that quickly,” replied a bystander.
A MINISTER in Aberdeenshire, sacrificed so often and so freely to the jolly god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook his proceedings, and summoned him before them to answer for his conduct. One of his elders, and constant companion in his social hours, was cited as a witness against him. “Well, John, did you ever see the 257 Rev. Mr. C—— the worse of drink ?” — “Weel, a wat no; I ’ve monyatime seen him the better o’t, but I ne’er saw him the waur o’t.” — “But did you never see him drunk ?” — “That’s what I ’ll ne’er see; for before he be half slockened, I ’m ay’ blind fu’. ”
A CERTAIN Quaker slept at a hotel in a certain town. He was supplied with two wax candles. He retired early, and, as he had burned but a small part of the candles, he took them with him into his bedroom. In the morning, finding he was charged 2s. in his bill for wax candles, instead of fees to the waiter and chambermaid, he gave to each a wax candle.
“WHAT plan,” said an actor to another, “shall I adopt to fill the house at my benefit ?” — “Invite your creditors,” was the surly reply.
ON one occasion a lad, while at home for the holidays, complained to his mother that a schoolfellow who slept with him took up half the bed. “And why not ?” said the mother; “he ’s entitled to half, isn ’t he ?” — “Yes, mother,” rejoined her son; “but how would you like to have him take out all the soft for his half ? He will have his half out of the middle, and I have to sleep both sides of him !”
A SERVANT of an old maiden lady, a patient of Dr. Poole, formerly of Edinburgh, was under orders to go to the doctor every morning to report the state of her health, how she had slept, &c., with strict injunctions always to add, “with her compliments.” At length, one morning the girl brought this extraordinary message : “Miss S——’s compliments, and she de’ed last night at aicht o’clock !”
258A JOLLY Jack-tar having strayed into Atkin’s show at Bartholomew Fair, to have a look at the wild beasts, was much struck with the sight of a lion and a tiger in the same den. “Why, Jack,” said he to a messmate, who was chewing a quid in silent amazement, “I should n’t wonder if next year they were to carry about a sailor and a marine living peaceably together ! ” — “Aye,” said his married companion, “Or a man and wife.”
MR. BURKE, in speaking of the indisposition of Mr. Fox, which prevented him making a motion for an investigation into the conduct of Lord Sandwich, said, “No one laments Mr. Fox’s illness more than I do; and I declare that if he should continue ill, the inquiry into the conduct of the first Lord of the Admiralty should not be proceeded upon; and, should the country suffer so serious a calamity as his death, it ought to be followed up earnestly and solemnly; nay, of so much consequence is the inquiry to the public, that no bad use would be made of the skin of my departed friend, ( should such, alas ! nbsp;be his fate ! ) if, like that of John Zisca, it should be converted into a drum, and used for the purpose of sounding an alarm to the people of England.”
LORD ALLEN, in conversation with Rogers, the poet, observed : “I never put my razor into hot water, as I find it injures the temper of the blade.” — “No doubt of it,” replied Rogers; “show me the blade that is not out of temper when plunged into hot water. ”
MR. DUNLOP, while making his pastoral visitations among some of the country members of his flock, came to a farm-house where he was expected; and the mistress, thinking that he would be in need of refreshment, proposed that he should take his tea before engaging in exercises, 259 and said she would soon have it ready. Mr. Dunlop replied, “I aye tak’ my tea better when my wark’s dune. I ’ll just be gaun on. Ye can hing the pan on, an’ lea’ the door ajar, an’ I ’ll draw to a close in the prayer when I hear the haam fizzin’. ”
\IT was a strange instance of alleged obedience to orders in the case of a father’s will, which a brute of a fellow displayed in turning his younger brother out-of-doors. He was vociferously remonstrated with by the neighbors on the gross impropriety of such conduct. “Sure,” said he, “it ’s the will; I’m ordered to divide the house betune myself and my brother, so I ’ve taken the inside and given him the outside. ”
IN one of our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest operations seriously affected by continuous rains. The crops being much laid, wind was desired in order to restore them to a condition fit for the sickle. A minister, in his Sabbath services, expressed their wants in prayer as follows : — “Send us wind, no a rantin’, tantin’, tearin’ wind, but a noohin’ (noughin?), soughin’, winnin’ wind.” More expressive words than these could not be found in any language.
THE Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the terror of the idlers in Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told him that some required mode of making up the accounts was impracticable, they were met with the curt reply : “Never mind, if you can’t do it, I’ll send you half-a-dozen pay sergeants that will,” — a hint that they did not fail to take.
MEETING a negro on the road, a traveller said, “You have lost some of your friends, I see ?” — “Yes, massa.” — 260 Was it a near or a distant relative ?” — “Well, purty distant, — ’bout twenty-four mile, ” was the reply.
“ HO ! Tommy,” bawls Type, to a brother in trade,
“ he ministry are to be changed, it is said. ”
“ That’s good, ” replied Tom, “ but it better would be
With a trifling erratum. ” — “ What ? ” — “Dele the c. ”
A GENTLEMAN, thinking he was charged too much by a porter for the delivery of a parcel, asked him what his name was. “My name,” replied the man, “is the same as my father’s.” — “And what is his name ?” said the gentleman. “It is the same as mine.” — “Then what are both your names ?” — “Why, they are both alike, ” answered the man again, and very deliberately walked off.