From Joe Miller’s Jests: or, the Wits Vade-Mecum, London: T. Read, [facsimile reprint in 1861 of the original printed in 1739]; pp. 44-70.
JOE MILLER’s JESTS.
Part III.
( Jests 160-247. )
160. A certain Lady of Quality sending her Irish Footman to fetch Home a Pair of new Stays, strictly charged him to take a Coach if it rained for fear of wetting them : But a great Shower of Rain falling, the Fellow returned with the Stays dropping wet, and being severely reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he said, he had obey’d his Orders; how then, answered the Lady, could the Stays be wet, if you took them into the Coach with you? No, replyed honest Teague, I knew my Place better, I did not go into the Coach, but rode behind as I always used to do.
161. Tom Warner, the late Publisher of News Papers and Pamphlets, being very near his End, a Gentlewoman in the Neighbourhood sending her Maid to enquire how he did, he bad the Girl tell her Mistress, that he hoped he was going to the New-Jerusalem; Ah, dear Sir, said she, I dare say the Air of Islington would do you more good.
162. A Person said the Scotch were certainly the best trained up for Soldiers of any People in the World, for they began to handle their Arms almost as soon as they were born.
163. A Woman once prosecuted a Gentleman for a Rape : Upon the Trial, the Judge asked if she made any Resistance, I cry’d out, an please you, my Lord, said she : Ay, said one 45 of the Witnesses, but that was Nine Months after.
164. A young Lady who had been married but a short Time, seeing her Husband going to rise pretty early in the Morning, said, What, my Dear, are you getting up already? Pray lie a little longer and rest yourself. No, my Dear, reply’d the Husband, I’ll get up and rest myself.
165. The Deputies of Rochel, attending to speak with Henry the Fourth of France, met with a Physician who had renounced the Protestant Religion, and embrac’d the Popish Communion, whom they began to revile most grievously. The King hearing of it, told the Deputies, he advis’d them to change their Religion, for it is a dangerous Symptom, says he, that your Religion is not long-liv’d, when a Physician has given it over.
166. Two Oxford Scholars meeting on the Road with a Yorkshire Ostler, they fell to bantering the Fellow, and told him, they could prove him a Horse, an Ass, and I know not what; and I, said the Ostler, can prove your Saddle to be a Mule : A Mule! cried one of them, how can that be? because, said the Ostler, it is something between a Horse and an Ass.
167. A Frenchman travelling between Dover and London, came into an Inn to lodge, where the Host perceiving him a close-fisted Cur, having called for nothing but a Pint of Beer and a Pennyworth of Bread to eat with 46 a Sallad he had gathered by the Way, resolved to fit him for it, therefore seemingly paid him an extraordinary Respect, laid him a clean Cloth for Supper, and complimented him with the best Bed in the House. In the Morning he set a good Sallad before him, with Cold Meat, Butter, &c. which provok’d the Monsieur to the Generosity of calling for half a Pint of Wine; then coming to pay the Host gave him a Bill, which, for the best Bed, Wine, Sallad, and other Appurtenances, he had enhanc’d to the Value of twenty Shillings, Jernie, says the Frenchman, Twenty Shillings! Vat you mean? But all his spluttering was in vain; for the Host with a great deal of Tavern-Elocution, made him sensible that nothing could be ’bated. The Monsieur therefore seeing no Remedy but Patience, seem’d to pay it chearfully. After which he told the Host, that his House being extremely troubled with Rats, he could give him a Receipt to drive ’em away, so as they should never return again. The Host being very desirous to be rid of those troublesome Guests, who were every Day doing him one Mischief or other, at length concluded to give Monsieur twenty Shillings for a Receipt; which done, Beggar, says the Monsieur, you make a de Rat one such Bill as you make me, and if ever dey trouble your House again, me will be hang.
168. A young Gentleman playing at Questions and Commands with some very pretty young Ladies, was commanded to take off a 47 Garter from one of them; but she, as soon as he had laid hold of her Petticoats, ran away into the next Room, where was a Bed, now, Madam, said he, I bar squeaking, Bar the Door, you Fool, cry’d she.
169. A Westminster Justice taking Coach in the City, and being set down at Young Man’s Coffee-house, Charing-Cross, the Driver demanded Eighteen-Pence as his Fare; the Justice asked him, if he would swear that the Ground came to the Money; the Man said, he would take his Oath on’t. The Justice reply’d, Friend, I am a Magistrate, and pulling a Book out of his Pocket, administer’d the Oath, and then gave the Fellow Six-pence, saying, he must reserve the Shilling to himself for the Affidavit.
170. A Countryman passing along the Strand saw a Coach overturn’d, and asking what the Matter was? He was told, that three or four Members of Parliament were overturned in that Coach : Oh, says he, there let them lie, my Father always advis’d me not to meddle with State Affairs.
171. One saying that Mr. Dennis was an excellent Critick, was answered, that indeed his Writings were much to be valued; for that by his Criticism he taught Men how to write well, and by his Poetry, shew’d ’em what it was to write ill; so that the World was sure to edify by him.
172. One going to see a Friend who had lain a considerable Time in the Marshalsea 48 Prison, in a starving Condition, was persuading him, rather than lie there in the miserable Case, to go to Sea; which not agreeing with his high Spirit, I thank you for your Advice, replies the Prisoner, but if I go to Sea, I’m resolv’d it shall be upon good Ground.
173. A Drunken Fellow carrying his Wife’s Bible to pawn for a Quartern of Gin, to an Alehouse, the Man of the House refused to take it. What a Pox, said the Fellow, will neither my Word, nor the Word of G--d pass?
174. A certain Custice of Peace, not far from Clerkenwell, in the first Year of King George I. when his clerk was reading a Mittimus to him, coming to Anno Domini 1714, cry’d out, with some warmth, and why not Georgeo Domini, sure, Sir,you forget yourself strangely.
175. A certain Noblem---, a Cour----r, in the Beginning of the late Reign, coming out of the H---se of L---ds, accosts the Duke of B----ham, with, How does your Pot boil, my Lord, these troublesome Times? To which his Grace replied, I never go into my Kitchen, but I dare say the scum is uppermost.
176. A little dastardly half-witted ’Squire, being once surpriz’d by his Rival in his Mistress’s chamber, of whom he was terribly afraid, desir’d for god’s Sake to be conceal’d; but there being no Closet or Bed in the Room, nor indeed any Place proper to hold him, but an India Chest the Lady put her Cloathes in, 49 they lock’d him in there. His Man being in the same Danger with himself, rather than fail, he cou’d creep under the Maid’s Petticoats : Oh, you silly Dog, says his Master, that’s the commonest Place in the House.
177. The Lord N---th and G---y, being once at an Assembly at the Theatre-Royal in the Hay-Market, was pleas’d to tell Mr. H---d--gg---r, he wou’d make him a Present of 100 l. if he could produce an uglier Face in the whole Kingdom than his, the said H-d-gg-r’s, within a Year and a Day : Mr. H---d--gg---r went instantly and fetch’d a Looking-Glass, and presented it to his Lordship, saying, He did not doubt but his Lordship had Honour enough to keep his Promise.
178. A young Fellow praising his Mistress before a very amorous Acquaintance of his, after having run thro’ most of her Charms, he came at Length to her Majestick Gate, fine Air, and delicate slender Waist : Hold, says his Friend, go no lower, if you love me; but by your Leave, says the other, I hope to go lower if she loves me.
179. A Person who had an unmeasurable Stomach, coming to a Cook’s Shop to dine, said, it was not his Way to have his Meat cut, but to pay 8 d. for his Ordinary; which the Cook seem’d to think reasonable enough, and so set a Shoulder of Mutton before him, of half a Crown Price, to cut where he pleas’d; with which he so play’d the Cormorant, that he devour’d all but the Bones, 50 paid his Ordinary, and troop’d off. The next Time he came, the Cook casting a Sheep’s Eye at him, desired him to agree for his Victuals, for he’d have no more Ordinaries. Why, a Pox on you, says he, I’m sure I paid you an Ordinary Price.
180. The extravagant Duke of Buckingham [Villars] once said in a melancholy Humour, he was afraid he should die a Beggar, which was the most terrible Thing in the World; upon which a Friend of his Grace’s replyed, No, my Lord, there is a more terrible Thing than that, and which you have Reason to fear, and that is, that you’ll live a Beggar.
181. The same Duke another Time was making his Complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich Miser, of the Disorder of his Affairs, and asked him, what he should do to prevent the Ruin of his Estate? Live as I do, my Lord, said Sir John: That I can do, answered the Duke, when I am ruined.
182. At another Time, a Person who had long been a Dependant on his Grace, begged his Interest for him at Court, and to press the Thing more home upon the Duke, said, He had no Body to depend on but God and his Grace; then, says the Duke, you are in a miserable Way, for you could not have pitch’d upon two Persons who have less Interest at Court.
183. The old Lord Strangford taking a Bottle with the Parson of the Parish, was commending 51 his own Wine : Here, Doctor, says he, I can send a Couple of Ho--Ho--Ho--Hounds to France (for his Lordship had an Impediment in his Speech) and have a Ho--Ho--Ho---Hogshead of this Wi---Wi---Wi---Wine for ’em; What do you say to that, Doctor? Why, I say, your Lordship has your Wine Dog-cheap.
184. The famous Jack Ogle of facetious Memory, having borrow’d on Note five Pounds, and failing the Payment, the Gentleman who had lent it, indiscreetly took Occasion to talk of it in the Publick Coffee-house, which oblig’d Jack to take Notice of it, so that it came to a Challenge. Being got into the Field, the Gentleman a little tender in Point of Courage, offer’d him the Note to make the Matter up; to which our Hero consented readily, and had the Note delivered : But now, said the Gentleman, If we should return without fighting, our Companions will laugh at us; therefore let’s give one another a slight Scar, and say we wounded one another; with all my Heart, says Jack; Come I’ll wound you first; so drawing his Sword, he whipt it thro’ the fleshy Part of his Antagonist’s Arm, ’till he brought the very Tears in his Eyes. This being done, and the Wound ty’d up with a Handkerchief; Come, says the Gentleman, now where shall I wound you? Jack putting himself in a fighting Posture, cried Where you can, B---d Sir; Well, well, says the other, I can swear 52 I received this Wound of you, and so march’d off contentedly.
185. A Traveller at an Inn once on a very cold Night, stood so near the Fire that he burnt his Boots : An arch Rogue that sat in the Chimney-Corner, call’d out to him, Sir, you’ll burn your Spurs presently : My Boots you mean, I suppose: No, Sir, says he, they are burnt already.
186. In Eighty-Eight, when queen Elizabeth went from Temple-Bar along Fleet-street, on some Procession, the Lawyers were rang’d on one Side of the Way, and the Citizens on the other; says the Lord Bacon, then a Student, to a Lawyer, that stood next him, Do but observe the Courtiers; if they bow first to the Citizens, they are in Debt; if to us, they are in Law.
187. Some Gentlemen having a Hare for Supper at the Tavern, the Cook, instead of a Pudding, had cramm’d the Belly full of Thyme, but had not above half roasted the Hare, the Legs being almost raw; which one of the Company observing, said, There was too much Thyme, or Time, in the Belly, and too little in the Legs.
188. Two Countrymen, who had never seen a Play in their Lives, nor had any Notion of it, went to the Theatre in Drury-Lane, when they placed themselves snug in the Corner of the Middle-Gallery; the first Musick play’d, which they lik’d well enough; then the Second, and the Third to their great Satisfaction : 53 At length the Curtain drew up, and three or four Actors enter’d to begin the Play; upon which one of them cry’d to the other, Come, Hodge, let’s be going, ma’haps the Gentlemen are talking about Business.
189. A Countryman sowing his Ground, two smart Fellows riding that Way, call’d to him with an insolent Air : Well, honest Fellow, says one of them, ’tis your Business to sow, but we reap the Fruits of your Labour; to which the plain Countryman reply’d, ’Tis very likely you may, truly, for I am sowing Hemp.
190. Two inseparable Comrades, who rode in the Guards in Flanders, had every Thing in common between them. One of them being a very extravagant Fellow, and unfit to be trusted with Money, the other was always Purse-bearer, which yet he gain’d little by, for the former would at Night frequently pick his Pocket to the last Stiver; to prevent which, he bethought himself of a Stratagem, and coming among his Companions the next Day, he told them, he had bit his Comrade. Ay, how? says they. Why, says he, I hid my Money in his own Pocket last Night, and I was sure he would never look for it there.
191. The famous Sir George Rook, when he was a Captain of Marines, quarter’d at a Village where he buried a pretty many of his Men : At length the Parson refus’d to perform the Ceremony of their Interrment any more, unless he was paid for it, which being told Captain Rook, he ordered Six Men of his Company to carry 54 the Corpse of the Soldier, then dead, and lay him upon the Parson’s Hall-Table. This so embarrass’d the Parson, that he sent the Captain Word, If he’d fetch the Man away, he’d bury him and his whole Company for nothing.
192. A reverend and charitable Divine, for the Benefit of the Country were he resided, caused a large Causeway to be begun: As he was one Day overlooking the Work, a certain Nobleman came by, Well, Doctor, says he, for all your great Pains and Charity, I don’t take this to be the Highway to Heaven : Very true, my Lord, replied the Doctor, for if it had, I shou’d have wondered to have met your Lordship here.
193. Two Jesuits having pack’d together an innumerable Parcel of miraculous Lies, a Person who heard them, without taking upon him to contradict them, told ’em one of his own : That at St. Alban’s, there was a Stone Cistern, in which Water was always preserv’d for the Use of that Saint; and that ever since, if a Swine shou’d eat out of it, he wou’d instantly die : The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the Story, set out the next Day to St. Alban’s, where they found themselves miserably deceived : On their Return, they upbraided the Person with telling them so monstrous a Story; Look ye there now, said he, you told me a hundred Lies t’other Night, and I had more Breeding than to contradict you, I told you but 55 one, and you have rid twenty Miles to confute me, which is very uncivil.
194. A Welchman and an Englishman vapouring one Day at the Fruitfulness of their Countries; the Englishman said, there was a Close near the Town where he was born, which was so fertile, that if a Kiboo was thrown in over Night, it would be so cover’d with Grass, that ’twould be difficult to find it the next Day; Splut, says the Welchman, what’s that? There’s a Close where hur was born, where you may put your Horse in over Night, and not be able to find him next Morning.
195. A Country Fellow in King Charles the IId’s. Time, selling his Load of Hay in the Haymarket, two gentlemen who came out of the Blue-Posts, were talking of Affairs; one said, that Things did not go right, the King had been at the House and prorogued the Parliament. The Countryman coming Home, was ask’d, what News in London? Odsheart, says he, there’s something to do there; the King, it seems, has berogued the Parliament sadly.
196. A wild young Gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous young Lady; the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at his Return, that she was dead, and had been buried : In the mean Time, she had so plac’d herself in Disguise, as to be able to observe how he took the News; and finding him still the same gay inconstant Man he always had been, she appear’d to him as the Ghost of herself, at which he seemed not at 56 all dismay’d : At length disclosing herself to him, he then appear’d pretty much surpriz’d; a Person by said, Why, Sir, you seem more afraid now than before; Ay, replied he, most Men are more afraid of a living Wife, than a dead one.
197. An under Officer of the Customs at the Port of Liverpool, running heedlessly along a Ship’s Gunnel, happened to tip over-board, and was drown’d; being soon after taken up, the Coroner’s Jury was summoned to sit upon the body. One of the Jury-Men returning home, was call’d to by an Alderman of the Town, and ask’d what Verdict they brought in, and whether they found it Felo de se : Ay, ay, says the Jury-Man shaking his Noddle, he fell into the Sea, sure enough.
198. One losing a Bag of Money of about 50l. between Temple-Gate and Temple-Bar, fix’d a Paper up, offering 10l. Reward to those who took it up, and should return it : Upon which the Person that had it came and writ underneath to the following Effect, Sir, I thank you, but you bid me to my Loss.
199. Two Brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous Crime; the Eldest was first turn’d off, without saying one Word : The other mounting the Ladder, began to harangue the Crowd, whose Ears were attentively open to hear him, expecting some Confession from him, Good People, says he, my Brother hangs before my Face, and you see what a lamentable Spectacle he makes; in a few Moments 57 I shall be turned off too, and then you’ll see a Pair of Spectacles.
200. It was an usual Saying of King Charles II. That Sailors got their Money like Horses, and spent it like Asses; the following Story is somewhat an Instance of it : One Sailor coming to see another on Pay-day, desired to borrow twenty Shillings of him; the money’d Man fell to telling out the Sum in Shillings, but a Half-Crown thrusting its Head in, put him out, and he began to tell again, but then an impertinent Crown-piece was as officious as it’s half Brother had been, and again interrupted the Tale; so that taking up a Handful of Silver, he cry’d, Here, Jack, give me a Handful when your Ship’s paid, what a Pox signifies counting it.
201. A Person enquiring what became of such a One? Oh! dear, says one of the Company, poor Fellow, he dy’d insolvent, and was buried by the Parish : Died insolvent crys another, that’s a Lie, for he died in England, I’m sure I was at his Burying.
202. A humorous countryman having bought a Barn, in Partnership with a Neighbour of his, neglected to make the least Use of it, whilst the other had plentifully stor’d his Part with Corn and Hay : In a little Time the latter came to him, and conscientiously expostulated with him upon laying out his Money so fruitlessly : Pray, Neighbour, says he, ne’er trouble your Head, you may do what you will with your Part of the Barn, but I’ll set mine o’Fire.
58203. An Irishman whom King Charles II. had some Esteem for, being only an inferior Servant of the Household, one Day coming into the King’s Presence, his Majesty ask’d him how his Wife did, who had just before been cut for a Fistula in her Backside. I humbly thank your Majesty, replied Teague, she’s like to do well, but the Surgeon says, it will be an Eye-Sore as long as she lives.
204. A young Gentlewoman who had married a very wild Spark, that had run through a plentiful Fortune, and was reduced to some Streights, was innocently saying to him one Day, My Dear, I want some Shifts sadly. Shifts, Madam, replies he, D---me, how can that be, when we make so many every Day?
205. A Fellow once standing in the Pillory at Temple-Bar, it occasioned a Stop, so that a Carman with a Load of Cheeses had much ado to pass, and driving just up to the Pillory, he asked what that was that was writ over the Person’s Head : They told him, it was a Paper to signify his Crime, that he stood for Forgery : Ay, says he, what is Forgery? They answered him, that Forgery was counterfeiting another’s Hand, with Intent to cheat People : To which the Carman replied, looking up at the Offender, Ah, Pox! this comes of your Writing and Reading, you silly Dog.
206. Master Johnny sitting one Summer’s Evening on the Green with his Mother’s Chamber-maid, among other little Familiarities, 59 as kissing, pressing her Bubbies and the like, took the Liberty unawares to satisfy himself whereabouts she ty’d her Garters, and by an unlucky Slip went farther than he should have done : At which the poor Creature blushing, cry’d, Be quiet Mr. John, I’ll throw this Stone at your Head else. Ay, Child, says he, and I’ll fling two at your tail if you do.
207. When the Prince of Orange came over, Five of the Seven Bishops who were sent to the Tower declar’d for his Highness, and the other Two would not come into Measures; upon which, Mr. Dryden said, that the seven Golden Candlesticks were sent to be essay’d in the Tower, and five of them prov’d Prince’s Metal.
208. A Dog coming open-mouth’d at a Serjeant upon a March, he run the Spear of his Halbert into his Throat and kill’d him : the Owner coming out rav’d extreamly that his Dog was kill’d, and ask’d the Serjeant, Why he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt End of his Halbert? So I would, says he, if he had run at me with his Tail.
209. King Charles the IId. being in company with the Lord Rochester, and others of the Nobility, who had been drinking the best Part of the Night, Killegrew came in; Now, says the King, we shall hear of our Faults: No, Faith, says Killegrew, I don’t care to trouble my Head with that which all the Town talks of.
60210. A rich old Miser finding himself very ill, sent for a Parson to administer the last Consolation of the Church to him : Whilst the Ceremony was performing, old Gripewell falls into a Fit; on his Recovery the Doctor offered the Chalice to him; Indeed, crys he, I can’t afford to lend you above twenty Shillings upon’t, I can’t upon my Word.
211. A Person who had a chargeable Stomach, used often to asswage his Hunger at a Lady’s Table, having one Time or other promis’d to help her to a Husband. At length he came to her, Now Madam, says he, I have brought you a Knight, a man of Worship and Dignity, one that will furnish out a Table well. Phoo, says the Lady, your Mind’s ever running on your Belly; No, says he, ’tis sometimes running o’yours you see.
212. One, who had been a very termagant Wife, lying in her Death-bed, desired her Husband, that as she had brought him a Fortune, she might have Liberty to make her Will, for bestowing a few Legacies to her Relations : No, by G--d, Madam, says he, You had your Will all your Life-time, and now I’ll have mine.
213. When the Lord Jefferies, before he was a Judge, was pleading at the Bar once, a Country Fellow giving Evidence against his Client, push’d the Matter very home on the Side he swore of; Jefferies, after his usual Way, call’d out to the Fellow, Hark you, you Fellow in the Leather Doublet, what have you 61 for swearing? To which the Countryman smartly reply’d, Faith, Sir, if you have no more for Lying than I have for Swearing, you may go in a Leather Doublet too.
214. The same Jefferies afterwards on the Bench, told an old Fellow with a long Beard, that he supposed he had a Conscience as long as his Beard : Does your Lordship, replies the old Man, measure Consciences by Beards? if so, your Lordship has no Beard at all.
215. Apelles, the famous Painter, having drawn the Picture of Alexander the Great on Horseback, brought it and presented it to the Prince, but he not bestowing that Praise on it, which so excellent a Piece deserv’d, Apelles desired a living Horse might be brought; who mov’d by Nature fell a prancing and neighing as tho’ it had actually been his living Fellow-Creature; whereupon Apelles told Alexander, his Horse understood Painting better than himself.
216. An old Gentleman who has married a fine young Lady, and being terribly afraid of Cuckoldom, took her to Task one Day, and ask’d her, if she had considered what a crying Sin it was in a Woman to cuckold her Husband? Lord, my Dear, says she, what d’ye mean? I never had such a Thought in my Head, nor never will : No, no, replied he, I shall have it in my Head, you’ll have it some where else.
217. The late Lord Dorset, in a former Reign, was asking a certain Bishop, why he 62 conferr’d Orders on so many Blockheads. Oh, my Lord, says he, ’tis better the Ground should be plowed by Asses, than lie quite untill’d.
218. A certain Lady, to excuse herself for a Frailty she had lately fallen into, said to an intimate Friend of her’s, Lord! how is it possible for a Woman to keep her Cabinet unpickt, when every Fellow has got a Key to it.
219. Mr. Dryden, once at Dinner, being offered by a Lady the Rump of a Fowl, and refusing it, the Lady said, Pray, Mr. Dryden, take it, the Rump is the best part of the Fowl; Yes, Madam, says he, and so I think it is of the Fair.
220. A Company of Gamesters falling out at a Tavern, gave one another very scurvy Language : At length those dreadful Messengers of Anger, the Bottles and Glasses flew about like Hail-Shot; one of which mistaking it’s Errand, and hitting the Wainscot, instead of the Person’s Head it was thrown at, brought the Drawer rushing in, who cry’d, D’ye call Gentlemen? Call Gentlemen, says one of the Standers by; no, they don’t call Gentlemen, but they call one another Rogue and Rascal, as fast as they can.
221. An amorous young Fellow making very warm Addresses to a marry’d Woman, Pray, Sir, be quiet, said she, I have a Husband that won’t thank you for making him a Cuckold : No, Madam, reply’d he, but you will I hope.
63222. One observing a crooked Fellow in close Argument with another, who would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable Resolution; said to his Friend, Prithee, let him alone, and say no more to him, you see he’s bent upon it.
223. Bully Dawson was overturned in a Hackney-Coach once, pretty near his Lodgings, and being got on his Legs again, he said, ’Twas the greatest Piece of Providence that ever befel him, for it had saved him the Trouble of bilking the Coachman.
224. A vigorous young Officer, who made Love to a Widow, coming a little unawares upon her once, caught her fast in his Arms. Hey day, says she, what do you fight after the French Way; take Towns before you declare War? No, faith, Widow, says he, but I should be glad to imitate them so far, to be in the Middle of the Country before you could resist me.
225. Sir Godfrey Kneller, and the late Dr. Ratcliffe, had a Garden in common, but with one Gate : Sir Godfrey, upon some Occasion, ordered the Gate to be nail’d up; when the Doctor heard of it, he said, He did not care what Sir Godfrey did to the Gate, so he did not paint it. This being told Sir Godfrey, he replied, He would take that, or any Thing from his good Friend, the Doctor, but his Physick.
226. The same Physician, who was not the humblest Man in the World, being sent 64 for by Sir Edward Seymour, who was said to be the proudest; the Knight received him, while he was dressing his Feet and picking his Toes, being at that Time troubled with a Diabetis, and upon the Doctor’s entering the Room, accosted him in this Manner, So, Quack, said he, I’m a dead Man, for I piss sweet : Do ye, replied the Doctor, then prithee piss upon your Toes, for they stink damnably : And so turning round on his Heel went out of the Room.
227. A certain worthy Gentleman having among his Friends the Nickname of Bos, which was a Kind of Contraction of his real Name, when his late Majesty conferred the Honour of Peerage upon him, a Pamphlet was soon after published with many sarcastical Jokes upon him, and had this Part of a Line from Horace as a Motto, viz.
------ Optat Ephippia Bos ------
My Lord asked a Friend, who could read Latin, what that meant? It is as much to say, my Lord, said he, that you become Honours as a Sow does a Saddle. O! very fine, said my Lord : Soon after another Friend coming up to see him, the Pamphlet was again spoken of, I would, said my Lord, give five hundred Pounds to know the Author of it. I don’t know the Author of the Pamphlet, said his Friend, but I know who wrote the Motto; Ay, cry’d my Lord, prithee who was it? 65 Horace, answered the other : How, replied his Lordship, a dirty Dog, is that his Return to all the Favours I have done him and his Brother.
228. A wild Gentleman having pick’d up his own Wife for a Mistress, the Man, to keep his Master in Countenance, got to Bed to the Maid too. In the Morning, when the Thing was discovered, the Fellow was obliged, in Attonement for his Offence, to make the Girl amends by marrying her; Well, says he, little did my Master and I think last Night, that we were robbing our own Orchards.
229. One seeing a kept Whore, who made a very great Figure, ask’d, what Estate she had? Oh, says another, a very good Estate in Tail.
230. In the great Dispute between South and Sherlock, the former, who was a great Courtier, said, His Adversary reasoned well, but he Bark’d like a Cur : To which the other reply’d, That Fawning was the Property of a Cur, as well as Barking.
231. Second Thoughts, we commonly say, are best; and young Women who pretend to be averse to Marriage, desire not to be taken at their Words. One asking a Girl, if she would have him? Faith, no, John, says she, but you may have me if you will.
232. A Gentleman lying on his Death-Bed, called to his Coachman, who had been an old Servant, and said, Ah! Tom, I’m going a long rugged Journey, worse than ever 66 you drove me : Oh, dear Sir, reply’d the Fellow, (he having been but an indifferent Master to him,) ne’er let that discourage you, for it is all down Hill.
233. An honest bluff Country Farmer, meeting the Parson of the Parish in a By-Lane, and not giving him the Way so readily as he expected, the Parson, with an erected Crest, told him, He was better fed than taught : Very likely indeed Sir, reply’d the Farmer : for you teach me and I feed myself.
234. A famous Teacher of Arithmetick, who had long been married without being able to get his Wife with Child : One said to her, Madam, your Husband is an excellent Arithmetician. Yes, replies she, only he can’t multiply.
235. One making a furious Assault upon a hot Apple-pye, burnt his Mouth ’till the Tears ran down; his Friend asked him, Why he wept? Only, says he, ’tis just come into my Mind, that my Grand-mother dy’d this Day twelvemonth : Phoo! says the other, is that all? So whipping a large Piece into his Mouth, he quickly sympathiz’d with his Companion; who seeing his Eyes brim full, with a malicious Sneer ask’d him, why he wept? A Pox on you, says he, because you were not hanged the same Day your Grand-mother dy’d.
236. A Lady who had married a Gentleman that was a tolerable Poet, one Day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my Dear, you write upon other People, prithee write 67 something for me; let me see what Epitaph you’ll bestow upon me when I die : Oh, my Dear, reply’d he, that’s a melancholy Subject, prithee don’t think of it : Nay, upon my Life you shall, adds she, ----- Come, I’ll begin,
----- Here lies Bidd :
To which he answer’d, Ah! I wish she did.
237. A Cowardly Servant having been hunting with his Lord, they had kill’d a wild Boar; the Fellow seeing the Boar stir, betook himself to a Tree; upon which his Master call’d to him, and asked him, what he was afraid of, the Boar’s Guts were out? No, matter for that, says he, his Teeth are in.
238. One telling another that he had once so excellent a Gun that it sent off immediately upon a Thief’s coming into the House, altho’ it wasn’t charged : How the Devil can that be? said t’other: Because, said the First, the Thief carry’d it off, and what was worse, before I had Time to charge him with it.
239. Some Gentlemen coming out of a Tavern pretty merry, a Link-Boy cry’d, Have a Light, Gentlemen? Light yourself to the Devil, you Dog, says one of the Company : Bless you, Master, reply’d the Boy, we can find the Way in the Dark; shall we light your Worship thither.
240. A Person was once try’d at Kingston before the late Lord Chief Justice Holt, for having two Wives, where one Unit was to 68 have been the chief Evidence against him : After much calling for him, Word was brought that they could hear nothing of him. No, says his Lordship, why then, all I can say, is, Mr. Unit stands for a Cypher.
241. ’Tis certainly the most transcendent Pleasure to be agreeably surpriz’d with the Confession of Love, from an ador’d Mistress. A young Gentleman, after a very great Misfortune came to his Mistress, and told her, He was reduc’d even to the want of five Guineas : To which she replied, I am glad of it with all my Heart : are you so, Madam, adds he, suspecting her Constancy : Pray, why so? Because, says she, I can furnish you with five Thousand.
242. On a Publick Night of Rejoicing, when Bonefires and Illuminations were made, some honest Fellows were drinking the King’s Health and Prosperity to England, as long as the Sun and Moon endured : Ay, says one, and 500 Years after, for I have put both my Sons Apprentices to a Tallow-Chandler.
243. A young Fellow who had made an End to all he had, even to his last Suit of Cloaths; one said to him, Now I hope, you’ll own yourself a happy Man, for you have made an End of all your Cares : How so, said the Gentleman; Because, said the other, you’ve nothing left to take care of.
244. Some Years ago, when his Majesty used to hunt frequently in Richmond-Park, it brought such Crowds of People thither, that 69 Orders were given to admit none, when the King was there himself, but the Servants of the Houshold. A fat Country Parson having, on one of these Days a strong Inclination to make one of the Company, Captain B-d-ns, promised to introduce him, but coming to the Gate, the Keepers would have stopp’d him, by telling him, none but the Houshold were to be admitted: Why, d--mn you, said the Captain, don’t you know the Gentleman? He’s his Majesty’s Hunting-Chaplain : Upon which the Keepers asked Pardon, and left the reverend Gentleman to Recreation.
245. The learned Mr. Charles Barnard, Serjeant Surgeon to Queen Anne, being very severe upon Parsons having Pluralities. A reverend and worthy Divine heard him a good while with Patience, but at length took him up with this Question, Why do you Mr. Serjeant Barnard rail thus at Pluralities, who have always so many Sine-Cures upon your own Hands?
246. Dr. Lloyd, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his Prophesies, when by his Sollicitations and Compliance at Court, he got removed from a poor Welch Bishoprick to a rich English one. A reverend Dean of the Church said, That he found his Brother Lloyd spelt Prophet with an F *.
* Most of the Clergy follow this Spelling.
247. A worthy old Gentleman in the Country, having employ’d an Attorney, of whom 70 he had a pretty good Opinion, to do some Law Business for him in London, he was greatly surprized on his coming to Town, and demanding his Bill of Law charges, to find that it amounted to at least three Times the Sum he expected; the honest Attorney assured him, that there was no Article in his Bill, but what was fair and reasonable : Nay, said the Country Gentleman, here is one of them I am sure cannot be so, for you have set down three Shillings and four Pence for going to Southwark, when none of my business lay that Way; pray what is the Meaning of that Sir; Oh! Sir, said he, that was for fetching the Chine and Turkey from the Carriers, that you sent me for a Present, out of the Country.